5.6.2014...

i finally upgraded to a legit website!  please come on over to www.faithjweber.com to continue following my take on life!

4.8.2014...

There is comfort in hearing the predictable voice of someone you love on the other end of a phone line...and today, as I called my dad after hearing that one of his lifelong best friends had died early this morning, I found myself holding my breath as the phone rang, waiting for these words..."Canaday brothers".  I've heard them a thousand times over, yet today I needed to hear them...needed to hear my father's voice...needed that reassurance that comes with knowing he is right there where he's supposed to be.  My heart aches for him...this will be the second close friend he will bury in less than a year.  His words?  "Well, when you get old, your friends start to die."  I heard the tremor in his voice and I know the only man I've loved my entire life has cried today...for his friend...and likely for much more.  

My relationship with my parents is a strange one...to say the least.  If I allow myself to think about it I feel...well, I feel too much so I don't really let myself go there.  I'm pretty certain a therapist would have a field day with this one topic and could probably pin every one of my "issues" and failed relationships and lack of true direction on my parental disconnection.  I love them...so much...these two people who gave me life...whose DNA I share...whose personality traits I find myself both searching for and fearing...they are my history, my childhood, the source of my faith and the source of many of my questions.  I look at them and on one hand wonder how I ever came from them and on the other find myself craving the similarities...the shape of my hands (hers)...the length of my toes (his)...the shape of my eyes and the early wrinkles around them from squinting when I smile (his)...the shape of my face (hers)...the size of my ears (his).  And the much more important traits...the ability to forgive quickly (both)...the slow temper that explodes quickly and without warning (his)....the warm, love everyone, judge no one attitude (both)....the ability to read people (his)....

They loved me first...and maybe best...they hold memories of me no one else does.  And while I've pulled away for many reasons, I know my heart seeks them out when I'm uneasy or worried...even if I don't actually reach out to them.  

So today I reached out to him...maybe a little for us both...and maybe he found a little comfort in the sound of my voice when he heard "hi dad"...at least that's my hope.

4.7.2014...

we are each on a journey...some easier than others, yet none less important than the other.  it's the people we meet, the relationships we build, that shape our path, that help make us who we are along our journey that matter.  some walk in and out within the same breath.  others seem to move in, make themselves comfortable and eat everything in sight - even if we aren't expecting them or maybe even want them to.  some open themselves up to us, showing us the detailed, intimate layers of their soul without us even asking while others lack the ability to give us anything no matter how hard we try.  some seem to have the ability to see and cultivate the very best of us, looking past all the junk others have either discarded or seen as roadblocks in the past.  some want nothing more than to be with us because we make their life just a little bit better simply by being in it.  and, if we're really, really lucky...we find one or two who are able to see us as nothing less than the most true, beautiful form of ourselves possible and want nothing more than to do this life together no matter the hills, the curves, the obstacles, the...junk if only because the journey is so much better when done together.

i meet people all the time...lonely, exhausted, scared people who have no one.  their journey is one wrought with more twists and turns than most of us could ever imagine...and they often are walking it alone.  most of the time that is the sole reason i feel sorry for them.  it's not their pasts, their mistakes, their current state or even their many times scary stories that break my heart...it's the fact that they are doing all of it alone.  don't get me wrong, the reasons for this are often valid - family and friends get tired of bailing people out, especially when they keep making the same, hurtful mistakes over and over - but it's still sad.  it's also true that we tend to push those we are closest to as far away as possible when faced with some of life's worst messes...out of fear of rejection or embarrassment or even to protect them from us.  again...heartbreaking.

i am blessed with amazing people in my life...ah-maz-ing.  i have people who inspire me, who lift me up, to remind me of who i am when i find myself uncertain...i have people who help me fight my battles and give me the strength to deal with the junk life throws at me...i have people who stand beside me no matter what and cheer me on when something good happens...i have people who would move heaven and earth for me if i needed them to and people who know every bit of my past and will always be a huge part of my future. some have been in my life for as long as i can remember and some have only walked into the picture in the recent past.   for each of these people i am eternally grateful...each one is a part of my journey...sometimes walking in front of me when i need guidance...sometimes walking behind me when i need a little push...and sometimes walking right next to me when i need neither guidance nor encouragement but rather simply a friend to enjoy the ride with.  i'm not sure why i have so many good people surrounding me...kinda like how i have no idea why i was lucky enough to be born in the USA instead of some third world country where the focus of my life would likely be on survival rather than figuring out how to use my life to make a difference.  but, there they are anyway...we each surround the other when necessary and take turns learning and growing and giving and taking...doing this thing we call life...together.  

3.27.2014...

why do we give so much of ourselves?  especially once it's been proven to us that we aren't, and won't get near the same in return?  why do we keep giving and holding out hope and seeing things that really don't exist at the expense of our heart, our soul?  what is it about someone that makes us do that?  are we all so broken that we can't value ourselves enough to see a situation for what it really is, see a person for what they are really able to give and walk away with grace if we aren't able to accept both and not expect more?

i was watching the next to last episode of how i met your mother on monday and heard these (paraphrased) words:  we have to keep loving.  it's what we're good at.  it's hard and sometimes it doesn't work, but it's what life is all about, what makes life worth living.  we have to keep loving.

and i found myself agreeing with all of it.  i do love.  i love hard and with a completeness i have recently come to realize i don't do in any other area of my life.  love comes easy for me.  it's something i do with ease, not always without disappointment yet always genuine and real and honest and hopeful.  i'm not sure i'm good at it...my track record would argue that i'm not.  perhaps my love is selfish.  maybe, that while i can love easily, i am unable to love others as they truly need to be loved.  it's possible that my heart isn't capable of trusting enough to let the right people love me.  or that my ridiculous insecurities keep me from showing the right people who i am out of fear that they would then have the power to hurt me too.  honestly, i don't know.

what i do know is that for the first time in a long time i felt God this week.  i felt Him as i always do...in the people He surrounds me with.  words and reassurance, simple gestures and genuine kindness that reminded me i'm not doing this alone.

so...love.  give it.  accept it.  don't fear it.  embrace it.  when you find yourself lucky enough to share it with someone, work for it...make it a priority.  you never know how long it will last and i guess that's part of the magic...and the misery.   just keep loving...

3.23.2014...

what's more important - the big picture, or the details?  when you stop and really think about it, which is it?  i tend to be a big picture kinda girl, yet can find myself hung up on details...if that makes any sense whatsoever.  i'm not great with details...i tend to blame that on my poor memory, but it's likely more a result of the ever-looming ADD i'm fairly certain i have.  my brain just won't slow down long enough to retain details and i have to work hard to not only remember them, but to even see them or focus on them when making plans or learning things.  it's a fault of mine and i'm not proud of it.  on the flip side, i am constantly imagining things - places, stories, people, situations - some of which are based upon memories and some that are simply just day dreams.  but, they are always big picture - a general overview really.

this leads me wonder...who am i?  i mean, obviously i know who i am...but, what do other people see when they look at me?  what do others see in me - the big picture and all the little details?  do they see the me i see or someone/something entirely different?  i know that at the core of it all, i am both...

i am all the little details - my love for wind chimes, sunshine, the sound of laughter, homemade chocolate chip cookies, white daisies, a good book and almost any beach...as well as my dislike for cold, brussels sprouts, traffic, mean people, scary movies and snakes.  i'm also every heartbreak, every accomplishment, every failed attempt, every word - written and unpoken...i am my mother and i am my father...i hold pieces of each of my grandparents - some easy to see, others only visible to me...i am my fear of failing, my wish to be something more...i am strong and determined - especially when it comes to people...i am a mom who is often terrified of messing this little person up...i am a writer who wishes she could sing...i am physical touch, quality time and words of affirmation...i cry at movies and want the fairy tale...i am insecure sometimes which leads me to act jealous and clingy...i hate unpredictability and crave familiarity...i dream of traveling all over the world yet can't wait to come home...my heart is always my guide even when it shouldn't be...i tend to see the best in people but then get hurt when they disappoint me...i am human - i make lots of mistakes and i hurt people without meaning to...i try really hard to be honest - most of all with myself...and when it's all said and done, i pray i do enough good in my life to outweigh the bad.

and i am the big picture...all of those things wrapped up into a 4'10", 95 pound, 36 year old redhead with freckles with the big smile and hazel eyes who tends to be too loud but who loves fiercely and has a hard time making decisions.  i am crazy protective of those i love and give until you've pushed me so far that i truly have nothing more to give.  i can be a little too serious, yet have an ornery side.  and it's more important than anything that i make a difference...to anyone i know, anyone i work with...even to those whose path i may only cross for an instant.  i fear not being enough, but hate that part of me.  i wish i didn't need validation from anyone yet am honest enough with myself to know that's just not true.

i think it's important to know who we are...to be aware of what makes us...us.  it's within that knowing that we are able to give the best of us, yet also be able to see the parts that need...well, a little more work.  i believe we are all a constant work in progress...that God is continually molding us and shaping us to do His work...i'm also fairly certain there are parts of me that He likely has no idea what to do with yet He loves me anyway and keeps patiently working on those stubborn parts through forgiveness, mercy and grace.

i hope we are each able to see those in our lives - and those we maybe just pass on the street - with that same amount of compassion remembering none of us are one or the other....we are every detail and the whole picture.  it's within those details we become whole.  the hope is that others are able to see us as just that...whole, no matter how many cracks we have.

3.11.2014...

what's one thing you wish people knew about you?  i asked this question to a variety of my friends...a couple wanted more time to think about their answer, one said he just wants people to get to know him, one was actually very philosophical, but the rest had different versions of the exact same answer..."i wish people knew i'm not as strong as they think i am".

i've thought about this all day.  first of all, why do we feel the need to make others think we're so strong?  is it because we truly care that much about what others think...or, is it more to convince ourselves that we're strong enough to handle whatever life throws at us?  secondly, why if we work so hard to make others think we're so strong, do we wish they knew we aren't?  is that so that we can stop pretending?  or, so we can be more forgiving of ourselves if we can't, in fact, handle everything with the ease we feel we should?  why the need to put on such a show?

i mean, there are things we each face that are just too hard - at least temporarily.  yet, we still expend a ton of energy making sure everyone around us sees us as this unquestionable force, capable of dealing with every trial, every load of crap that gets dumped on us when in reality, sometimes all we wanna do is give up and have a good cry.  i know, i know, weakness is a sign that we're somehow less...somehow incapable of doing...doing what?  everything?  carrying not only our own burdens but those of everyone around us as well?  because, if you really think about it, that's part of it.  we want...we need...to be able to step up to the plate whenever we're needed - even if we really don't have it in us to do it at the time.  we don't want to disappoint those around us...even at our own expense.

i went to church camp as a kid for years and to this day one thing stands out to me...it was the closing campfire of the week, we had spent five days bonding with kids who had been complete strangers just days before...and on that last night, we were asked to create a mask that we then placed on the fire.  these masks represented the us we put in front of the world, not necessarily who we really were.  these masks held within them our insecurities, our fears, our hopes for what we wished others could see in us...if only we would allow them.  we were just kids...jr. high age i'm fairly certain, yet we were able to grasp that at even at that young age we were already posing for the world around us...most often to protect us from the cruelty that comes from being different.

i suppose you want to know my answer to the earlier question.  what do i wish others knew about me...well, my easy answer is that i'm actually shy - yeah, i know...you'll never believe it and to anyone i gave that answer to the response was always the same "you hide it well".  but, it's the truth.  i hate walking into places alone, especially crowded places where everyone else appears to be with someone.  i'm honestly terrible at small talk - unless you count the mindless banter that comes with a complete stranger while waiting in line.  if i'm honest, i overcompensate with being overly friendly or if you watch close enough, i actually become quiet.

here's the thing, it's actually hard for me to answer this question because at this point i'm not sure what you all don't know about me.  maybe that i'm terrified of falling into the same depression so many of my family members have been plagued with for years.  or that i fear failing so much that i don't even try many things...that way i don't have to deal with the disappointment of screwing up.  i read once that is actually a form of perfectionism...the article was very convincing although i in no way consider myself a perfectionist (i'm too lazy for that).  but, most of all, i want people to know that i am exactly who they think i am...i am exactly who i appear to be...a ridiculous mess of anxious and excited, rarely organized in anyway that might make sense to anyone else, an over thinker who sees absolute reality yet follows her heart always, an extrovert who struggles with too much alone time yet gets claustrophobic in crowds and maybe most importantly...almost always strong to the point of exhaustion - because i've finally realized i need to be needed like that almost as much as i need air...yet, i am weak too...i crack just like everyone else...rarely is it in front of others, but it happens and i've learned to let it happen when it does.  i am genuinely happy and truly love my life.  it's not an act, i assure you.  i'm not trying to make you think i'm strong, nor do i care if you think i am.  i am simply just me.  

3.6.2014...

what would you do if you could do anything and knew you wouldn't fail?  and i mean anything.  i asked a few people this question earlier this week and got a variety of answers - most of which centered around career dreams, but one boldly said "world peace - if i knew i could do it and it would stick, i would make world peace happen".  each answer made me smile.  i loved the loftiness of them; like i gave them permission to really dream...to think about their life like the nine year old version of themselves would - full of promise and opportunity, lacking disappointment and failure, certain that the world is theirs for the  their answers came quickly with little hesitation.  and then the same thing happened with each one...they turned the question around on me...

that used to be a tough question for me to answer for some reason.  i think it leads back to being in college and reading through course catalogs, trying to find something that interested me enough to commit to doing it for the rest of my life.  which lead me to changing my major...oh, five times.  i see the world with so many possibilities, yet am acutely aware of my abilities and limitations which typically causes me to be overly practical and cautious and doesn't allow much room for absolute daydreaming.  but, this time it was easy for me...

i would write.  books, magazines...whatever i want.  without the fear of failing.  and i would...wait for it...these are the entertaining ones...be a motivational speaker or have my own talk show.  i know.  those are a bit out there, but this is all about "if you could do anything and not fail"....so, at this point in my life, those are my dreams...my "if i could's".

i suppose the flip side of this coin would be to imagine your life exactly as you want it...maybe easier to imagine...maybe easier to create in some ways, more difficult in others.  oddly, that dream is way more simple for me and doesn't involve a life much different than the one i currently lead...  i have a job i genuinely love, a daughter i wouldn't replace for anything, a family i love like crazy and friends i can't imagine living without.  those are the important things, but if i am totally honest i would say that i dream of creating a life, a home, with someone...or, even at this point, finding the perfect little home for m and i...in my dream we travel - a lot...in my dream i find ways to spend even more time with those friends and family who mean so much to me...and i maybe drive a different car although i can't say what...and i find a way to make peace with the things that haunt me...  i wouldn't wish to be taller and i don't need a big house or a ton of money.  i would fix sarah's heart and bring carter back....and i wouldn't waste a single minute on stupid things, but waste as much time as possible on the little things that when you add them all up make up a lifetime of perfect.

take time to dream...to imagine your life without any self-imposed boundaries.  what does it look like?  and how badly do you want to get there?  dare to take one tiny step forward and see where it gets you.  even if you end up taking two steps backwards, you will at least know that you weren't afraid to try.  your dreams, your life, are only as big...or as small...as you allow them to be.

3.5.2014...

who do you surround yourself with?  who do you choose to share your life with...the mundane, day-to-day stuff...and, more importantly, the deeply intimate pieces of you that lie far beneath the surface?  do you carefully select those you let in or do you open up willingly to anyone who will listen?  i've thought a lot lately about the people in my life...all of which, at this point, are on this journey with me because i want them to be.  it's said that we tend to become like those we spend the most time with, and after really thinking about it, i gotta say that's pretty much dead on.  which leads me to want to surround myself - and m - with the best people possible.  some people suck the life right out of you while others do the exact opposite...they build you up and encourage your dreams and help you however you need them to even if that means offering a shoulder or making you laugh or buying you a drink or just reminding you that this life is better lived when shared.  they meet you right where you're at and don't expect you to be anything you're not.  their love is genuine and so is their friendship.  they are good people. 

so...who do you surround yourself with?  are you proud of the people you call friends?  do they make your life better or do you feel somehow less (or more, i suppose, if they cause you stress or anxiety) when you are with them?  and when you choose to share your life with someone; don't choose the better person...choose the one who makes YOU a better person.  

2.7.2014...

as i sit here watching the olympic opening ceremony i can't help but wonder...are we all destined for greatness?  do we each hold something special within us that makes us stand apart from others?  while we can't all be olympians, noble prize winners or world leaders; is it possible for us to make a difference within our own lives?  do we each have the ability to be great at something or, for most of us, is life more about simply living and finding small ways to contribute?  honestly, i think it's both...mostly because of perception.  while i struggle often with the need to know i matter, that i make a difference, that i'm somehow...special; i know i'm truly just a normal person.  i can't imagine doing anything overly spectacular with my life at this point, but instead am choosing to focus on smaller ways i feel i can make an impact...mostly through words.  so, maybe, the question is...how do we each define greatness and how can we create a life that exemplifies that?  we each have gifts, most of which give us the ability to do something for someone else.  but, do we choose to use them for that purpose?

i am thinking a lot about my gran right now...in a couple of days she will have been gone for three years and i find myself missing her more as the time goes by.  she was an amazing lady...someone who lived her life with ease and grace...she always gave more than she had and was always quick to make those around her feel special.  but, if you asked her, she always said she wasn't smart, she wasn't anything special; that she was a simple woman who was merely taking care of her family and trying to live her life for God.  i remember always feeling sad when i would hear her say these things because, to me, she was amazing...to me, she could do anything - well, anything that seemed to really matter.  she wrote letters from the heart and baked incredible pies and visited neighbors and always extended a hand to a new face at church and sewed doll clothes for us and taught us to play solitaire...she taught us to love everyone and judge no one...she showed us the power of love and acceptance through food and that there was room for everyone at her table...and, ultimately, she showed us how to be an unconditional presence in the lives of those we love, asking little in return yet giving whatever it took to make someone feel valued, important, special.  she never ran for office, never won any race, never solved some world problem; yet, to me, she lived a life of greatness.

what is your gift?  how do you define greatness?  are you able to see ways you can be great or do you minimize your abilities and not make the effort to do something that, to someone else, could mean more than you may ever know?  mother teresa always said that the greatest hunger, the greatest poverty comes from the lack of love, not food.  she encouraged us to start at home, to love those closest to us first, and to offer something as simple as a smile to a stranger and that if you can't feed 100 people, feed one - make a difference to one person, love one person and that love will spread.  such a simple act of greatness...yet something each one of us can do with very little effort...if only we choose to.

1.29.2014....

i have a problem with anger.  for some reason i can't hold onto it.  i want to, good lord i want to, but i've never been able to.  most people have a problem with anger management...now, don't get me wrong, i'm a redhead so i have a hot temper when i'm pushed far enough.  but, it is quick and doesn't last and then it's replaced with hurt feelings which do nothing but cloud my judgement on a situation because i become too emotional.  my anger then spills down my cheeks and i tend to forget the real focus of my frustration and i'm left "feeling" too much instead of figuring out the best way to deal with whatever happened in the first place.  sometimes i really wish i wasn't so emotional.  i think i've read too many things that say stuff about life being too short to stay angry and that it's more important to forgive and move on...well, sometimes that's just crap.  sometimes it's okay to just be angry...to let the disappointment and frustration and hurt be what it is - anger.  but then what?  what do you do with that anger?  where does that get you?  i feel like it's important to have conversations that need to be had...to say whatever it is that needs to be said rather than "fight" with silent treatment.  in all honesty, while i am an extremely - i can't stress this enough - extremely non-confrontational person, i am finally at a point in my life where i would rather just have the tough conversation, or even a fight if that's what's necessary, and get it over with.  sitting and stewing (thank you for that word, gran) is terrible for my anxious temperament.  my mind creates all sorts of assumptions when i have nothing but silence to work with and that's the worst.

but i guess maybe the underlining point is this...why do we hurt each other?  especially those we care about the most?  why do we do hurtful things and not apologize, or not expect there to be any consequences?  why do we treat others any different than we expect to be treated ourselves?  maybe it's a lack of communication or unmet expectations...maybe it's that sometimes things just aren't meant to work no matter how hard we try.

i think that's what life's too short for...unsaid apologies, unmet expectations, miscommunication that is never resolved, poor intentions...  friends...be more mindful of your actions and the impact they have on others.  choose kindness whenever possible and make a point to genuinely repair a relationship when you've caused someone pain.  we only get so many chances...

1.26.2014...

i watched a video a little while ago...it told the terribly sad story of a husband and father who lost his wife and unborn son when they were hit in a head-on collision and ultimately showed the unbelievable ways in which God worked within him and the man who hit them.  while the entire story was one of great impact, what stood out the most to me...what ultimately brought tears to my eyes...was the way he (the husband) spoke about how on the night of the accident, he sat down and asked God to help him...to give him some direction to help him make sense of what had happened and he was reminded of a sermon he had heard in the past that expressed that to us our lives are simply moments...little three by five snapshots....and how we have to remember to look at the bigger picture - especially when faced with difficult, painful experiences.  he went on to say that God is always painting on a much bigger canvas, that His plan is constantly unfolding and consists of much more than we are capable of seeing most of the time.

as i heard these words i felt my chest expand a little more...like i was holding my breath, just waiting to hear those very words.

life is so much more than we are able to see, able to feel, able to comprehend at any given moment.  this is not late-breaking news by any means, yet it is something i think we can all stand to be reminded of from time to time.  i know i'm guilty of getting wrapped up in my own junk and in those instances am incapable of seeing everything else unfolding around me.  sometimes we are nailed with things so painful we can't see through the tunnel of darkness - we've all been there and i refuse to discredit those experiences in any way - but, i think it's vital to remember just how much bigger the world is...especially in those moments.

i think i've said before that while i have lots of gray area when it comes to my beliefs, i do believe strongly in God...in His grace and His mercy and His unfailing presence...if we allow it.  i've heard Him, i've felt Him and i've seen Him work through those He surrounds me with when i need it...need Him...most.  i know i am blessed by the people i have in my life and i'm certain they are in my life for a reason, because He put them there.  i've been carried when i wasn't strong enough to take another step forward...i've been encouraged when everything in my life fell apart...i've found ways to make peace with situations that make no sense...and i've learned that if i look to Him - often via the people He surrounds me with - i find strength and understanding when i'm certain i have none.

moments.  three by five snapshots.  they flash before us and then pass us by before we can even blink.  some take us by surprise, some knock us to our knees, some fill us with more love than we can imagine, some propel us forward and some cause us to question everything we think we know...embrace each of them, but don't let any one of them define you.  try to look beyond them and see what else might lie around you, beyond the immediateness you feel engulfed by.  i truly believe it's in the bigger picture we find the absolute beauty, the purity of why we're here and where all the real answers lie.  

1.22.2014...

i was speaking with a dear friend the other day about how much i love her blog (you can find it here), and she said something about how much she admired the honesty with which i write and how it's brave of me to do that.  i'm not sure that i'm brave and i'm certainly not always completely honest...as most of us do, i leave out lots of the dirty details, shining up or skipping over parts of my life that either hurt too much or embarrass me...and then i realized something.  i've had a mind full of stuff these past few weeks and have written about none of it.  none.  zip.  nada.  nothing.  and i thought back to that conversation and to the whole point of this blog - to share my life...even the parts i don't want people to see...in hopes that even one sentence, one thought, one fear, one word might make a difference to someone.  and in this reminder i was...ashamed...disappointed in myself...and realized that maybe that's part of why i've felt a bit lost lately.  i've kept all the junk i should be sharing bottled up without giving it room to breathe, without laying claim to these pieces of myself and then putting them out there so they don't feel so large and overwhelming inside of me.  sometimes i feel so much...get bogged down by so much...that i find it hard to breathe.  why do i do that?  mom tells me i always felt everything more so than other kids...that i had a higher than normal empathy level...that i seemed to take on other's pain as if it were my own.  she's right.  and i do that to this day.  so, couple that with my constant internal battle with my own insecurities (please don't confuse that with me being insecure in who i am, because i'm not...but, don't lie to yourself for one minute and try to tell me you, too, don't have things you second-guess yourself on or struggle with because i don't believe you) - mostly as a mom...especially as she is growing up way too fast right before my eyes.  so...what i've decided to write today is a little about those very things...

2014...no resolutions.  i don't make those, remember?  (no need to set myself up for failure.)  but, i realized there are things i want to do/accomplish/enjoy/deal with over the next several months so i decided to just think about and focus on those.  i have talked about traveling for the past two years and have not actually done a damn thing about it (i am terrible at research and planning which isn't good when you want to do things on a tight budget - so, i'm working on that as well).  something as simple as going to hermann to visit the wineries (i would love to go to napa, but that just isn't going to happen this year) and with any luck, going to the beach even if it means i load m in the car and we drive south until we hit water - those are on my list.

the other is the really big one...i have spent the past two and a half years in an apartment and i'm ready to do something different.  i am terrified...and a little excited...but a lot terrified.  i never thought i would, nor did i ever want to, buy a house on my own.  but, it's been five years...and, i find myself wanting something more permanent for us - permanency is something i seem to have a hard time with...nothing in my life, besides m and she isn't gonna want much to do with me in a few years, feels permanent - rather it feels like everything is a bit unstable, always at the mercy of something or someone else...nothing seems to have staying power in my life and i'm sure if i told a therapist this they would immediately bring up mom leaving and tell me that is the root of my issues.  or something like that.  anyway, i have called a good friend who is a realtor and while i'm scared that i can't even qualify for a house - nevermind all the other fears i have about it - i want to at least open that door and start the process because if i don't i'm afraid i will never make a change.

money.  i have little of it.  and, i've never been good at actually managing it.  i pay my bills and am okay, but don't make a lot of money - it's okay, i love what i do and willingly trade the big paycheck for the unconventional benefits that come with my job.  i am trying to be more mindful of where my money is going and less ignorant about the choices i make.  again, this goes back to my lack of planning and my desire to do better.  i'm 36 years old for god's sake.  you would think this wouldn't be something i'm just now working on, but better late than never, right?

okay...i have places to be and work to do.  next up in the "what's taking up space and energy in faith's mind" will likely be m and my job as her mom...i feel like i'm lacking in that department big time these days, but maybe i'm hoping it's more about refocusing my thoughts and putting them down on "paper" - that always seems to help.  teaser:  be more present.  put the damn phone down and truly be there as much as possible.  who really cares what everyone is doing on facebook or instagram or twitter?  see that not so little person (and anyone else i'm sharing space with) and give them my attention.

whew!  as always....these posts aren't perfect, but neither am i.  but, i love to hear what you have to say so feel free to comment or ask questions or give me advice.  i believe it takes a village...

1.2.2004...er...2014...

1.2.2004...ten years ago...almost feels like a lifetime...well, it sort of is - your lifetime.

i have a hard time imagining you there now, wrapped so tightly inside of me...the warmth and security of my stretched belly held you safe just beneath my heart.  i remember it all so well...your tiny hands and feet stretched constantly as you tried desperately to make room...your little bottom jutted out making my tummy look like a torpedo...the length of your back as you rolled across my entire being.  my belly button popped out like a thanksgiving turkey timer long before you were due...the large crevice i now have in its place my one true visual reminder of where you once lived.  we were once one...two of everything yet existing as one safe within my skin.  a matched set from moment one...you couldn't be more like me in some ways if you tried.  we watched your tiny face, your long fingers, your miniature toes on the screen that afternoon before you were born and i remember wondering in that moment if you would know me once you were no longer inside of me.  turns out i had nothing to worry about.  your eyes were midnight blue, much deeper than your daddy's, your papa's or even your aunt becca's.  tiny pink lips that when you rested looked like the delicate bows i now love so much.  and those long, skinny fingers quickly found their way to mine wrapping tightly around me whenever you could.  to this day you reach for me with those not-so-little hands and when you sleep, i see the baby girl who was laid upon my chest that early january morning.  i had a dream about you once when i still held you close within me...a simple dream, nothing other than the realization i was holding you and i could see your tiny face as you looked up at me.  i was in love with you long before i saw you...yet knew you the moment i saw you...that same tiny face that stared up at me with those beautiful eyes.  i remember thinking...and maybe even saying, although i can't remember now..."there you are.  i know you."

for a brief moment i got to hold you safe within my body.  your every heartbeat dependent on mine.  never can i tell you in words what those nine months meant to me, my beautiful girl...never can you truly know how my heart grew simply by feeling your tiny flutters low in my tummy that late-summer afternoon.  but...no one else knows what my heart sounds like from within its walls...no one else has had my blood coursing through their veins...no one else has ever been so completely protected by me...only you.  you hold my heart like no one else ever will.

you changed my life at 4:55am as your body left mine.  i knew i could no longer rely on my safety to be enough for you and this reality becomes even more evident as you are growing up and needing me less and less.  you have pulled back in some ways - ways you're supposed to, ways i'm proud of...yet, there are moments i wish i could go back for an hour and just hold you in the early morning light.  i carried you to bed after your skating show a couple weeks ago...you had to wrap around me so i wouldn't drop you...and for a second i remembered carrying you to bed as you nestled in close to my neck with your little bitty arms tucked in close to my chest...and i felt a pang of sadness.

your birthday is a day i look forward to each year...there is something beautiful in remembering the months, the hours...the final minutes of anticipation, just waiting to touch you, to feel you...from the outside.  i love you more than i could have ever even imagined ten years ago...i want the world for you...or whatever version of it YOU want for yourself....within you lies so much life and i pray you find a way to live every bit of it.  i'm just thankful i was the lucky one who got to feel you, know you, love you first...