Friday, March 28, 2014


why do we give so much of ourselves?  especially once it's been proven to us that we aren't, and won't get near the same in return?  why do we keep giving and holding out hope and seeing things that really don't exist at the expense of our heart, our soul?  what is it about someone that makes us do that?  are we all so broken that we can't value ourselves enough to see a situation for what it really is, see a person for what they are really able to give and walk away with grace if we aren't able to accept both and not expect more?

i was watching the next to last episode of how i met your mother on monday and heard these (paraphrased) words:  we have to keep loving.  it's what we're good at.  it's hard and sometimes it doesn't work, but it's what life is all about, what makes life worth living.  we have to keep loving.

and i found myself agreeing with all of it.  i do love.  i love hard and with a completeness i have recently come to realize i don't do in any other area of my life.  love comes easy for me.  it's something i do with ease, not always without disappointment yet always genuine and real and honest and hopeful.  i'm not sure i'm good at track record would argue that i'm not.  perhaps my love is selfish.  maybe, that while i can love easily, i am unable to love others as they truly need to be loved.  it's possible that my heart isn't capable of trusting enough to let the right people love me.  or that my ridiculous insecurities keep me from showing the right people who i am out of fear that they would then have the power to hurt me too.  honestly, i don't know.

what i do know is that for the first time in a long time i felt God this week.  i felt Him as i always the people He surrounds me with.  words and reassurance, simple gestures and genuine kindness that reminded me i'm not doing this alone.  give it.  accept it.  don't fear it.  embrace it.  when you find yourself lucky enough to share it with someone, work for it...make it a priority.  you never know how long it will last and i guess that's part of the magic...and the misery.   just keep loving...

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