Wednesday, January 29, 2014


i have a problem with anger.  for some reason i can't hold onto it.  i want to, good lord i want to, but i've never been able to.  most people have a problem with anger, don't get me wrong, i'm a redhead so i have a hot temper when i'm pushed far enough.  but, it is quick and doesn't last and then it's replaced with hurt feelings which do nothing but cloud my judgement on a situation because i become too emotional.  my anger then spills down my cheeks and i tend to forget the real focus of my frustration and i'm left "feeling" too much instead of figuring out the best way to deal with whatever happened in the first place.  sometimes i really wish i wasn't so emotional.  i think i've read too many things that say stuff about life being too short to stay angry and that it's more important to forgive and move on...well, sometimes that's just crap.  sometimes it's okay to just be let the disappointment and frustration and hurt be what it is - anger.  but then what?  what do you do with that anger?  where does that get you?  i feel like it's important to have conversations that need to be say whatever it is that needs to be said rather than "fight" with silent treatment.  in all honesty, while i am an extremely - i can't stress this enough - extremely non-confrontational person, i am finally at a point in my life where i would rather just have the tough conversation, or even a fight if that's what's necessary, and get it over with.  sitting and stewing (thank you for that word, gran) is terrible for my anxious temperament.  my mind creates all sorts of assumptions when i have nothing but silence to work with and that's the worst.

but i guess maybe the underlining point is this...why do we hurt each other?  especially those we care about the most?  why do we do hurtful things and not apologize, or not expect there to be any consequences?  why do we treat others any different than we expect to be treated ourselves?  maybe it's a lack of communication or unmet expectations...maybe it's that sometimes things just aren't meant to work no matter how hard we try.

i think that's what life's too short for...unsaid apologies, unmet expectations, miscommunication that is never resolved, poor intentions... more mindful of your actions and the impact they have on others.  choose kindness whenever possible and make a point to genuinely repair a relationship when you've caused someone pain.  we only get so many chances...

Sunday, January 26, 2014


i watched a video a little while told the terribly sad story of a husband and father who lost his wife and unborn son when they were hit in a head-on collision and ultimately showed the unbelievable ways in which God worked within him and the man who hit them.  while the entire story was one of great impact, what stood out the most to me...what ultimately brought tears to my eyes...was the way he (the husband) spoke about how on the night of the accident, he sat down and asked God to help give him some direction to help him make sense of what had happened and he was reminded of a sermon he had heard in the past that expressed that to us our lives are simply moments...little three by five snapshots....and how we have to remember to look at the bigger picture - especially when faced with difficult, painful experiences.  he went on to say that God is always painting on a much bigger canvas, that His plan is constantly unfolding and consists of much more than we are capable of seeing most of the time.

as i heard these words i felt my chest expand a little i was holding my breath, just waiting to hear those very words.

life is so much more than we are able to see, able to feel, able to comprehend at any given moment.  this is not late-breaking news by any means, yet it is something i think we can all stand to be reminded of from time to time.  i know i'm guilty of getting wrapped up in my own junk and in those instances am incapable of seeing everything else unfolding around me.  sometimes we are nailed with things so painful we can't see through the tunnel of darkness - we've all been there and i refuse to discredit those experiences in any way - but, i think it's vital to remember just how much bigger the world is...especially in those moments.

i think i've said before that while i have lots of gray area when it comes to my beliefs, i do believe strongly in His grace and His mercy and His unfailing presence...if we allow it.  i've heard Him, i've felt Him and i've seen Him work through those He surrounds me with when i need it...need Him...most.  i know i am blessed by the people i have in my life and i'm certain they are in my life for a reason, because He put them there.  i've been carried when i wasn't strong enough to take another step forward...i've been encouraged when everything in my life fell apart...i've found ways to make peace with situations that make no sense...and i've learned that if i look to Him - often via the people He surrounds me with - i find strength and understanding when i'm certain i have none.

moments.  three by five snapshots.  they flash before us and then pass us by before we can even blink.  some take us by surprise, some knock us to our knees, some fill us with more love than we can imagine, some propel us forward and some cause us to question everything we think we know...embrace each of them, but don't let any one of them define you.  try to look beyond them and see what else might lie around you, beyond the immediateness you feel engulfed by.  i truly believe it's in the bigger picture we find the absolute beauty, the purity of why we're here and where all the real answers lie.  

Wednesday, January 22, 2014


i was speaking with a dear friend the other day about how much i love her blog (you can find it here), and she said something about how much she admired the honesty with which i write and how it's brave of me to do that.  i'm not sure that i'm brave and i'm certainly not always completely most of us do, i leave out lots of the dirty details, shining up or skipping over parts of my life that either hurt too much or embarrass me...and then i realized something.  i've had a mind full of stuff these past few weeks and have written about none of it.  none.  zip.  nada.  nothing.  and i thought back to that conversation and to the whole point of this blog - to share my life...even the parts i don't want people to hopes that even one sentence, one thought, one fear, one word might make a difference to someone.  and in this reminder i was...ashamed...disappointed in myself...and realized that maybe that's part of why i've felt a bit lost lately.  i've kept all the junk i should be sharing bottled up without giving it room to breathe, without laying claim to these pieces of myself and then putting them out there so they don't feel so large and overwhelming inside of me.  sometimes i feel so much...get bogged down by so much...that i find it hard to breathe.  why do i do that?  mom tells me i always felt everything more so than other kids...that i had a higher than normal empathy level...that i seemed to take on other's pain as if it were my own.  she's right.  and i do that to this day.  so, couple that with my constant internal battle with my own insecurities (please don't confuse that with me being insecure in who i am, because i'm not...but, don't lie to yourself for one minute and try to tell me you, too, don't have things you second-guess yourself on or struggle with because i don't believe you) - mostly as a mom...especially as she is growing up way too fast right before my eyes.  so...what i've decided to write today is a little about those very things... resolutions.  i don't make those, remember?  (no need to set myself up for failure.)  but, i realized there are things i want to do/accomplish/enjoy/deal with over the next several months so i decided to just think about and focus on those.  i have talked about traveling for the past two years and have not actually done a damn thing about it (i am terrible at research and planning which isn't good when you want to do things on a tight budget - so, i'm working on that as well).  something as simple as going to hermann to visit the wineries (i would love to go to napa, but that just isn't going to happen this year) and with any luck, going to the beach even if it means i load m in the car and we drive south until we hit water - those are on my list.

the other is the really big one...i have spent the past two and a half years in an apartment and i'm ready to do something different.  i am terrified...and a little excited...but a lot terrified.  i never thought i would, nor did i ever want to, buy a house on my own.  but, it's been five years...and, i find myself wanting something more permanent for us - permanency is something i seem to have a hard time with...nothing in my life, besides m and she isn't gonna want much to do with me in a few years, feels permanent - rather it feels like everything is a bit unstable, always at the mercy of something or someone else...nothing seems to have staying power in my life and i'm sure if i told a therapist this they would immediately bring up mom leaving and tell me that is the root of my issues.  or something like that.  anyway, i have called a good friend who is a realtor and while i'm scared that i can't even qualify for a house - nevermind all the other fears i have about it - i want to at least open that door and start the process because if i don't i'm afraid i will never make a change.

money.  i have little of it.  and, i've never been good at actually managing it.  i pay my bills and am okay, but don't make a lot of money - it's okay, i love what i do and willingly trade the big paycheck for the unconventional benefits that come with my job.  i am trying to be more mindful of where my money is going and less ignorant about the choices i make.  again, this goes back to my lack of planning and my desire to do better.  i'm 36 years old for god's sake.  you would think this wouldn't be something i'm just now working on, but better late than never, right?

okay...i have places to be and work to do.  next up in the "what's taking up space and energy in faith's mind" will likely be m and my job as her mom...i feel like i'm lacking in that department big time these days, but maybe i'm hoping it's more about refocusing my thoughts and putting them down on "paper" - that always seems to help.  teaser:  be more present.  put the damn phone down and truly be there as much as possible.  who really cares what everyone is doing on facebook or instagram or twitter?  see that not so little person (and anyone else i'm sharing space with) and give them my attention.

whew!  as always....these posts aren't perfect, but neither am i.  but, i love to hear what you have to say so feel free to comment or ask questions or give me advice.  i believe it takes a village...

Thursday, January 2, 2014

1.2.2004...ten years ago...almost feels like a lifetime...well, it sort of is - your lifetime.

i have a hard time imagining you there now, wrapped so tightly inside of me...the warmth and security of my stretched belly held you safe just beneath my heart.  i remember it all so well...your tiny hands and feet stretched constantly as you tried desperately to make room...your little bottom jutted out making my tummy look like a torpedo...the length of your back as you rolled across my entire being.  my belly button popped out like a thanksgiving turkey timer long before you were due...the large crevice i now have in its place my one true visual reminder of where you once lived.  we were once one...two of everything yet existing as one safe within my skin.  a matched set from moment couldn't be more like me in some ways if you tried.  we watched your tiny face, your long fingers, your miniature toes on the screen that afternoon before you were born and i remember wondering in that moment if you would know me once you were no longer inside of me.  turns out i had nothing to worry about.  your eyes were midnight blue, much deeper than your daddy's, your papa's or even your aunt becca's.  tiny pink lips that when you rested looked like the delicate bows i now love so much.  and those long, skinny fingers quickly found their way to mine wrapping tightly around me whenever you could.  to this day you reach for me with those not-so-little hands and when you sleep, i see the baby girl who was laid upon my chest that early january morning.  i had a dream about you once when i still held you close within me...a simple dream, nothing other than the realization i was holding you and i could see your tiny face as you looked up at me.  i was in love with you long before i saw you...yet knew you the moment i saw you...that same tiny face that stared up at me with those beautiful eyes.  i remember thinking...and maybe even saying, although i can't remember now..."there you are.  i know you."

for a brief moment i got to hold you safe within my body.  your every heartbeat dependent on mine.  never can i tell you in words what those nine months meant to me, my beautiful girl...never can you truly know how my heart grew simply by feeling your tiny flutters low in my tummy that late-summer afternoon. one else knows what my heart sounds like from within its one else has had my blood coursing through their one else has ever been so completely protected by me...only you.  you hold my heart like no one else ever will.

you changed my life at 4:55am as your body left mine.  i knew i could no longer rely on my safety to be enough for you and this reality becomes even more evident as you are growing up and needing me less and less.  you have pulled back in some ways - ways you're supposed to, ways i'm proud of...yet, there are moments i wish i could go back for an hour and just hold you in the early morning light.  i carried you to bed after your skating show a couple weeks had to wrap around me so i wouldn't drop you...and for a second i remembered carrying you to bed as you nestled in close to my neck with your little bitty arms tucked in close to my chest...and i felt a pang of sadness.

your birthday is a day i look forward to each year...there is something beautiful in remembering the months, the hours...the final minutes of anticipation, just waiting to touch you, to feel you...from the outside.  i love you more than i could have ever even imagined ten years ago...i want the world for you...or whatever version of it YOU want for yourself....within you lies so much life and i pray you find a way to live every bit of it.  i'm just thankful i was the lucky one who got to feel you, know you, love you first...