Thursday, July 12, 2012

big blue eyes...

*disclaimer:  this most likely won't make any real sense other than the fact that i'm referring to m...and that right now i miss her terribly and since this post keeps coming back to me, evolving and changing depending on my mood, i'm gonna try and finish it - even if it doesn't really make sense to anyone but me.

big blue eyes...they stare back at me in the rear-view matter where we're going i can look up and see her looking back at me, or see her gazing off towards something in the distance; or, on occasion...see them closed, her long eyelashes resting on her soft cheeks.  big blue eyes full of intensity, wonder, and empathy...bright with passion, and full of curiosity...they are the window to her soul and in them i see everything.

i wrote the following paragraph on friday afternoon...almost three weeks ago.  it seemed to fit at the time, yet the words weren't coming quite right, didn't quite flow past this point and i wasn't sure why...

she leaves tonight...goes to texas for the rest of the summer.  this isn't new, we've done it before and i know what to expect but this year feels somehow different....i'm guessing it's because there isn't something else big going on in my life to off-set the reality that i won't see her, won't touch her for six weeks.  people ask me all the time how i handle it, and my answer is always the same:  i know it's coming, i plan for it, i take advantage of the time to do what i want when i want...and i miss her.  like a piece of me is gone sort of missing her...and it starts about 24 hours after she leaves.  however, i'm thinking this time it may hit me around 5:20pm when we say good-bye and they escort her through the door, and down the jetway to the plane...i will watch her as far as i can...wheeling her little skate bag, chatting with the attendant...switching gears to adjust from one home to the other in a matter of a two-hour plane ride.  and then i will go back to my chair, pretend to read while ignoring the tightness in my chest, and wait for the "departed" sign to show up on the board to begin my own adjustment period. 

then, i spent an evening at the Relay for Life walk...made lap after lap around a track, surrounded by names on little white paper bags...names of those fighting cancer...and those who lost the battle but who are remembered by those they left behind.  to say my perspective changed immediately is an understatement...suddenly my tears seemed to have been shed in vain, my sadness for a child i know i will see again humbled by the realization that there are so many who can not say that. my own emotions were quickly put into check as i said silent prayers for the numerous names i read, many of which i was shocked to see that i knew.

sometimes it's good to get a reality be gently reminded that the world doesn't revolve around us...that life is so much bigger than where we are right this second.

skip ahead to now (last friday night, actually) hit me today how much i miss her.  i know, i know, she will be home and ultimately i'm fine.  but, tonight, tonight i felt like a shell...empty and hollow.  i remember this feeling as it visits me from time to time each summer; consuming me for a period of time, making me feel completely disconnected from her.  it's an awful feeling, and i never quite know what to do with it.  there is no ignoring it or pretending that it's not takes up so much space that it's almost suffocating.  i find myself pulling away, feeling the need to be alone and i'm not entirely sure why.  but, it will pass.  i pray that through this moment i am gaining empathy for others whose lives are consumed constantly by this type of emotion; that i may better understand where they are in those moments because i've had a very tiny taste of it myself.