9.17.2012...

disclaimer:  this is NOT intended to garner any sympathy or make anyone feel sorry for me.  it's simply a part of my story and i (for some reason) feel compelled to tell it. 

i went to church yesterday.  nothing new, just went to church.  but, i went completely alone.  no m, no friends with me...just me.  i've started going to a new church (again, nothing new for me since i seem to do that from time to time), and most of the time a good friend is there with me or i see familiar faces that make me feel kind of at home...but, yesterday i guess God meant for me to experience it without the comfort of companionship because no matter where i turned i saw no one i knew.  i sat a few seats in on a row fairly close to the back.  by the time the service started i was surrounded by families, or at least couples; but mostly families with small children and in particular one large family who was there to celebrate the baptism of their newest family member.  i honestly don't remember much about the message...something about facing our giants (ironic, now that i'm writing this), but the music was pretty good...what i do remember was how i felt.  alone.  in that moment, i felt completely alone.  i got kinda anxious; fought back tears during one song that really spoke to me...feeling, at the same time, like i was kind of floating in a bubble where no one could touch me and like the walls were caving in on me.  i really had to internally step back to readjust my focus (a bit of a struggle, i'm sad to say)...to take it off of me and put it back where it belonged.  it wasn't horrible, and i  survived; but i left wondering why it had bothered me so much.  i mean, i understand why i felt physically alone; that's easy enough...but, can't explain the rest.  i wished i'd had a hand to hold, or an arm to reach around me, to rest softly on the small of my back...i watch others do that now and i'm accutely aware of the tenderness expressed between people who truly care for one another.  there's something about those outward displays of affection in places like church that seem very intimate to me.  i feel like i'm witness to something very special while doing something so simple as sitting a row behind strangers while sharing the same worship service.  maybe it's because it's been so long since i've felt that sense of comfort, that genuine reassurance that comes in moments like that - moments often either taken for granted by those living them or, sadly, brushed away in haste because of embarrassment or frustration.  what i'd have given sunday for that...

anyway, i'm not sure what God was trying to say to me...and, you're wrong if you assume it has something to do with a fear of being alone.  i'm no different than anyone else.  of course i fear that to some extent, but i've made peace with all of that.  i'm just thankful the feeling passed.  i think, in those moments, i'm reminded that if ever given the chance to have someone next to me again i will value that time, that person...truly take care of what i have in ways maybe i haven't in the past.  it's a harsh lesson to learn, but one of value for sure.        

9.13.2012...

how's that saying go?  "beginnings are usually scary.  endings are usually sad.  but, it's the stuff in the middle that really matters."  or, something like that.  you get the idea.  i spent today trying hard to make it seem like any other thursday, like it wasn't my next to last day, pretending that each "normal" thing i do everyday would continue to happen...but, none of that was true.  and, in all honesty, most of today i felt almost lost...kind of in a bubble, not entirely sure what to do with myself yet trying hard to absorb everything around me. 

these past two weeks have gone quickly.  i've tried to leave with things as "done" as possible, but even that is hard.  i have a hard time walking away from anything - even for a great opportunity.  it's hard for me to step back and watch others do something i've done for so long.  i had my last ribbon cutting, my last after hours, my last ambassador meeting...i've heard from people i never would have imagined; kind people who have taken time to not only wish me well, but to also genuinely remind me of just how much i've meant to our organization and how much i will be missed.  encouraging certainly, humbling for sure.  it is in these moments i realize how many people i've met in my seven years at the chamber...how many people i've talked to, worked with, and perhaps given something good to.  it's also in these moments that i realize what an impact one person can make and how that in and of itself is a gift; one not to be taken for granted because with it comes great trust and the belief you not only matter but that people see you as maybe more than you see yourself.  it's funny, i can remember either the first time i met many of these people or something unique about each one of them...an interraction or a moment that likely no one else noticed because in all reality it wasn't that consequential yet stood out to me. that's just how my mind works. 

tomorrow will be the last time i walk in and say "it's just me" or sit across the desk from gayle as i drink my coffee and we share stories from the night before...i won't sit on laura's desk and share ridiculous dating drama...  no, i will pack my office - something i just haven't been able to do yet - and go to my last fall festival meeting...then spend a couple hours with some of my best friends eating a few of my favorite things while hopefully laughing more than i cry.  i feel kinda like it's a series finale to a beloved show...you know the scene...the girl stands at the door, and as she looks back her mind is flooded with a million memories while some sappy song covers the diologue...and, as she walks out the door for the last time she smiles because she is so thankful for all of those incredible memories because they are part of what got her here...at the doorstep of her next adventure. 

change...aka "faith got a new job"...

change.  it's a dirty word to me.  i don't do it, or at least avoid it at all cost as much as possible in every aspect of my life.  mostly because even the best change causes at least a smidge of discomfort and i tend to fall into the group (like the majority of us i've discovered) of people who prefer to leave things as they are rather than experience anything that resembles disarray or chaos (two of the primary side-effects of change).  we like our water placid, our sailing smooth, our boat unrocked...but what of that? 

this week marks the beginning of a very big change for me...friday is my last day at the chamber...the job i've had the longest, the job that has given me the most professional growth, the job that has opened doors and given me opportunities i never imagined seven years ago when i answered an ad for a part-time communications coordinator.  morgan was little...i was still married...my life was pretty simple...at least compared to what it would become.  i was barely an adult, still innocently unaware of what harsh realities i would face in my years there.  the chamber, the people in it - many of which have become very good friends...all my source of stability in some very unstable moments.  i grew up in that building, discovered my strengths and my weaknesses...and found my voice again.  i walked through things i never dreamed of...felt emotions i wasn't sure i could handle, and was often carried by those very people who were only "members" when i started there.  these past seven years have given me so much.  i've been blessed with a boss who is way more than that; she is a friend...someone i know will always be a very important part of my life.  i've built relationships with incredible people; and i know it's because of those relationships that i am being given this next opportunity.  this time next week i will be preparing for my first day at liberty hospital in what i'm certain was a role written perfectly for me.  i will be their new community relations specialist and i couldn't be more excited!  i get to stay in the community i love and do all the things i'm best at, while learning and experiencing new things.  it's the very best situation i could have imagined and i am beyond thankful.  i knew early on that God was leading me through this door...that He had laid this path for me.  rarely do i feel that way, and it was pretty cool. 

so, i will spend the next five days wrapping up my current job and on friday celebrate with some of these people i've grown to love.  "will your office be empty by then?" was what my co-worker asked the other day..."yes...yes, i suppose it will be..." was my only response.  this change is a good one...but, even good ones come with mixed emotions.  i am a bit afraid, yet all the good far out-weighs any of that.  i know i will cry...likely more than once or twice.  and then i will walk out that door for the last time as "the chamber girl" and walk forward into my new role; taking with me so much more than i could ever find the words to put on here...mostly because often there are no words big enough to describe some things.  but, thankful...blessed...so very blessed...those are the two words that i leave with.

9.1.2012...

out of fear i am selfish.  perhaps the biggest realization i've had (and, yes, had pointed out to me) in a long time.  it's a harsh reality, but very true none the less.  fear is paralyzing in many ways...but, perhaps most destructive when it's tied to emotions.  i think, in my case, i'm constantly afraid of failing...in fact, i'm certain that's the case.  that's why i hold back in almost every area of my life.  it's stupid, i know, but real all the same.  i'm afraid of letting someone down, afraid of not being enough, afraid of the embarrassment that comes with those two things. 

"you don't fight for what you want..."  and worse... "you don't say what it is that you really want..."

two statements i heard last night that are 100% accurate.  i think i'm afraid of what i really want because if i say it i can be turned down, or disappointed, or any number of ridiculous reasons that don't come close to justifying either of these things. 

what i can see is that despite all of my writing about living life and loving openly and giving everything....what i'm really doing is sitting back and watching my life pass me by because i'm afraid.  that makes me a hypocrite...and i am beyond disappointed in myself.  how, at 35, am i so afraid of failure?  it's not like i've honestly failed all that much in my life...but, i haven't had to work that hard, or give that much effort either.  i've simply...gotten by.  who wants that?  i mean, who wants to look back on their life and see that they did "okay"...that they "got by"?  not me, yet that's exactly what i'm setting myself up to do. 

thank you to the voice who constantly forces me to look inward.  who, while painful at times, is brutally honest with me.  something i'm fairly certain i need, no matter how hard it is for me to take.  i don't like the image in the mirror and have to find a way to stop being afraid, to stop holding back and open myself up for whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing, supposed to be feeling.  good, bad, whatever.  it's my life, only i can live it.