disclaimer: this is NOT intended to garner any sympathy or make anyone feel sorry for me. it's simply a part of my story and i (for some reason) feel compelled to tell it.
i went to church yesterday. nothing new, just went to church. but, i went completely alone. no m, no friends with me...just me. i've started going to a new church (again, nothing new for me since i seem to do that from time to time), and most of the time a good friend is there with me or i see familiar faces that make me feel kind of at home...but, yesterday i guess God meant for me to experience it without the comfort of companionship because no matter where i turned i saw no one i knew. i sat a few seats in on a row fairly close to the back. by the time the service started i was surrounded by families, or at least couples; but mostly families with small children and in particular one large family who was there to celebrate the baptism of their newest family member. i honestly don't remember much about the message...something about facing our giants (ironic, now that i'm writing this), but the music was pretty good...what i do remember was how i felt. alone. in that moment, i felt completely alone. i got kinda anxious; fought back tears during one song that really spoke to me...feeling, at the same time, like i was kind of floating in a bubble where no one could touch me and like the walls were caving in on me. i really had to internally step back to readjust my focus (a bit of a struggle, i'm sad to say)...to take it off of me and put it back where it belonged. it wasn't horrible, and i survived; but i left wondering why it had bothered me so much. i mean, i understand why i felt physically alone; that's easy enough...but, can't explain the rest. i wished i'd had a hand to hold, or an arm to reach around me, to rest softly on the small of my back...i watch others do that now and i'm accutely aware of the tenderness expressed between people who truly care for one another. there's something about those outward displays of affection in places like church that seem very intimate to me. i feel like i'm witness to something very special while doing something so simple as sitting a row behind strangers while sharing the same worship service. maybe it's because it's been so long since i've felt that sense of comfort, that genuine reassurance that comes in moments like that - moments often either taken for granted by those living them or, sadly, brushed away in haste because of embarrassment or frustration. what i'd have given sunday for that...
anyway, i'm not sure what God was trying to say to me...and, you're wrong if you assume it has something to do with a fear of being alone. i'm no different than anyone else. of course i fear that to some extent, but i've made peace with all of that. i'm just thankful the feeling passed. i think, in those moments, i'm reminded that if ever given the chance to have someone next to me again i will value that time, that person...truly take care of what i have in ways maybe i haven't in the past. it's a harsh lesson to learn, but one of value for sure.
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