Thursday, August 15, 2013


yesterday morning i woke early, unable to sleep...likely from the excitement of starting my new job....i found myself looking for something specific i had pinned on pinterest - 52 key bible verses to memorize - i set it aside a couple weeks ago thinking it would come in handy at some point.  i looked through the various verses listed...many i was familiar with, a few i knew almost by heart...but one stood out above them all:

colossians 3: 12-15 "...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  bear with each other...forgive as the Lord forgave you...let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts..."

i looked at others, but my heart kept going back to these words, drawn in a way i haven't been drawn to a passage of scripture in quite some time.  it's not hard for me to imagine why i was so drawn to these words...with the spectrum of my new role, i felt like God was reminding me (and maybe preparing me) to be compassionate, kind, humble, gentle and patient...and it is His command to bear with (lend a hand, offer support, simply just be there, help carry a burden) one another in moments of suffering or trials...i have always said it's not my job to judge anyone, but it is my job to forgive even if only because He has forgiven (and continues to forgive) me...and, lastly, it's no secret i'm a smidge high-strung and anxious so just reading the words "let the peace of Christ rule in your (in MY) heart" is very comforting to me - if i allow my thoughts to stop long enough to really meditate on it.

i was starting to think i couldn't hear Him anymore, couldn't feel Him, couldn't sense His direction for my life...i would look at my bible and not even open it the past few months, never once feeling the urge to look there for guidance even when i was really needing it.  i felt so disconnected...yet had zero motivation to do anything about it.  but, just as is always the case...just when i need it the most, my heart...are opened and i can feel again and i'm reminded i'm not on this journey alone.

i find myself surrounded by people who believe in the power of grace, who seek to serve, who see the world around them and want to do something to make it life at a time.  i know God is working through them, through me...again...finally.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013


the last day of summer...well, the last day of summer as defined by the start of another school year.  it's 9 a.m. and m is still in bed...i did the right mom thing and made her go to bed "on time" last night for the first time since coming home, but am letting her get every little bit of sleep she wants this morning.  i've always loved the start of school...the anticipation of a new year, the excitement of seeing friends i hadn't seen all summer, the smell and feel of new school supplies...but, it's different now that the one starting school is my little girl.  last night we went to her school - a place we both love, mostly because it's filled with people we love and there is such a sense of security, familiarity and encouragement there.  we met her teacher...her 4th grade teacher...those words are still hard for me to say, but it's exciting for me none the less.  she unpacked her overloaded backpack and put all her shiny, new supplies away all the while looking around at each name on the surrounding desks searching for the comfort that comes with even a single friend to share the next nine months with.  watching her navigate her way through the building, talking easily with teachers and seeing her face light up as she found the friends she hadn't seen in almost three months.  i followed behind giving her room to find her way...the distance creating room to truly watch her in her element, something i find magical.

i'm not entirely sure where the summer went.  i accomplished some of what i hoped to and ultimately had a lot of fun, which is (in my opinion) exactly what summer is for.  some of the things i worried about three months ago have managed to work themselves out, others still are giant questions looming overhead.  the past week and a half with m has flown by...we've had so much fun being on vacation without ever really leaving the area!  shopping and movies, oceans of fun and the state fair, hanging out with aunts, cousins and grandparents and visits with friends...every moment memorable in even the most simple of ways...because we were together.    

tomorrow marks the beginning of a huge change in my life as well as i start working with (i know the correct terminology is working for, but i honestly feel more like i'm working with this organization and the people within it) hillcrest transitional housing.  i don't feel the trepidation i felt last year when i left the chamber for the hospital...i feel a huge sense of peace, a quiet reassurance that i am going where i belong...that maybe God has finally found a use for me...that maybe i'm finally doing something i was created for.  or, at least, that's what i'm praying for. 

today i wiped her tears and held her hand and combed her hair after her shower...i watched her skate and answered her questions...i listened as she told stories and watched her take in the world around us...and then i tucked her in and reminded her just how much i love her.  somedays i'm not so sure i'm good at this mom was not one of those i had the answers and had the reassuring touch...something i'm so thankful for.

i haven't written much recently...i'm not sure why, only that the words just didn't come.  something i find frustrating as i long to sit in front of the screen, feeling the thoughts pour out of my fingers into the clacking of the little black keys.  for stretches of time there is...nothing...not that i don't want to write, just that the thoughts don't manifest into something worth sharing, or that i don't allow myself to think or feeling enough...or, that i'm too wrapped up in myself to see the world going on around's typically a mix of all three.  so...i'm hoping that with this, i am giving myself a kickstart of sorts and will find my way back to the thoughts...the feelings...the words i'm so longing to express.