Tuesday, August 13, 2013

8.13.2013...

the last day of summer...well, the last day of summer as defined by the start of another school year.  it's 9 a.m. and m is still in bed...i did the right mom thing and made her go to bed "on time" last night for the first time since coming home, but am letting her get every little bit of sleep she wants this morning.  i've always loved the start of school...the anticipation of a new year, the excitement of seeing friends i hadn't seen all summer, the smell and feel of new school supplies...but, it's different now that the one starting school is my little girl.  last night we went to her school - a place we both love, mostly because it's filled with people we love and there is such a sense of security, familiarity and encouragement there.  we met her teacher...her 4th grade teacher...those words are still hard for me to say, but it's exciting for me none the less.  she unpacked her overloaded backpack and put all her shiny, new supplies away all the while looking around at each name on the surrounding desks searching for the comfort that comes with even a single friend to share the next nine months with.  watching her navigate her way through the building, talking easily with teachers and seeing her face light up as she found the friends she hadn't seen in almost three months.  i followed behind giving her room to find her way...the distance creating room to truly watch her in her element, something i find magical.

i'm not entirely sure where the summer went.  i accomplished some of what i hoped to and ultimately had a lot of fun, which is (in my opinion) exactly what summer is for.  some of the things i worried about three months ago have managed to work themselves out, others still are giant questions looming overhead.  the past week and a half with m has flown by...we've had so much fun being on vacation without ever really leaving the area!  shopping and movies, oceans of fun and the state fair, hanging out with aunts, cousins and grandparents and visits with friends...every moment memorable in even the most simple of ways...because we were together.    

tomorrow marks the beginning of a huge change in my life as well as i start working with (i know the correct terminology is working for, but i honestly feel more like i'm working with this organization and the people within it) hillcrest transitional housing.  i don't feel the trepidation i felt last year when i left the chamber for the hospital...i feel a huge sense of peace, a quiet reassurance that i am going where i belong...that maybe God has finally found a use for me...that maybe i'm finally doing something i was created for.  or, at least, that's what i'm praying for. 

today i wiped her tears and held her hand and combed her hair after her shower...i watched her skate and answered her questions...i listened as she told stories and watched her take in the world around us...and then i tucked her in and reminded her just how much i love her.  somedays i'm not so sure i'm good at this mom thing...today was not one of those days...today i had the answers and had the reassuring touch...something i'm so thankful for.

i haven't written much recently...i'm not sure why, only that the words just didn't come.  something i find frustrating as i long to sit in front of the screen, feeling the thoughts pour out of my fingers into the clacking of the little black keys.  for stretches of time there is...nothing...not that i don't want to write, just that the thoughts don't manifest into something worth sharing, or that i don't allow myself to think or feeling enough...or, that i'm too wrapped up in myself to see the world going on around me...it's typically a mix of all three.  so...i'm hoping that with this, i am giving myself a kickstart of sorts and will find my way back to the thoughts...the feelings...the words i'm so longing to express.         

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