out of fear i am selfish. perhaps the biggest realization i've had (and, yes, had pointed out to me) in a long time. it's a harsh reality, but very true none the less. fear is paralyzing in many ways...but, perhaps most destructive when it's tied to emotions. i think, in my case, i'm constantly afraid of failing...in fact, i'm certain that's the case. that's why i hold back in almost every area of my life. it's stupid, i know, but real all the same. i'm afraid of letting someone down, afraid of not being enough, afraid of the embarrassment that comes with those two things.
"you don't fight for what you want..." and worse... "you don't say what it is that you really want..."
two statements i heard last night that are 100% accurate. i think i'm afraid of what i really want because if i say it i can be turned down, or disappointed, or any number of ridiculous reasons that don't come close to justifying either of these things.
what i can see is that despite all of my writing about living life and loving openly and giving everything....what i'm really doing is sitting back and watching my life pass me by because i'm afraid. that makes me a hypocrite...and i am beyond disappointed in myself. how, at 35, am i so afraid of failure? it's not like i've honestly failed all that much in my life...but, i haven't had to work that hard, or give that much effort either. i've simply...gotten by. who wants that? i mean, who wants to look back on their life and see that they did "okay"...that they "got by"? not me, yet that's exactly what i'm setting myself up to do.
thank you to the voice who constantly forces me to look inward. who, while painful at times, is brutally honest with me. something i'm fairly certain i need, no matter how hard it is for me to take. i don't like the image in the mirror and have to find a way to stop being afraid, to stop holding back and open myself up for whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing, supposed to be feeling. good, bad, whatever. it's my life, only i can live it.
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