10.4.2012...

time.  we get so little of it.  it moves slowly when we are in a hurry, and seems to fly by when all we want is a little more.  it's a cruel irony, yet we can't fight it.  every moment we get is one less we will have.  i'm not sure we ever fully take advantage of this until we are, sadly, faced with the reality there is little to no time left.  we pray to stop the clock, or at least slow it down...wishing we could turn it back even a few moments but never is that an option.

this morning a dear friend will bury his father just two months after losing his mother.  a couple days ago another close friend walked away from what appeared to be a devastating accident.  monday morning i walked into the hospital and met two clearly lost and confused women who were looking for one of the oncologists...and my heart broke for them. 

life is short.  it is over in the blink of an eye.  both cliches, but full of truth.  i see this more and more the older m gets.  we get one chance with each moment.  if we screw it up we can't really take it back.  if we waste it, we don't get a do-over.  if we sit back and watch it pass us by, we can't complain about the outcome.   

i am a firm believer in not wasting time when it comes to telling others how you feel...mostly because we never know how long we have with them, how many opportunities we might have to do so.  we don't get to go back.  people will disappoint us.  we will get hurt more times than seems necessary, but hopefully we will be loved enough to make up for all of that in the end. 

there are so many things i hope to someday get to tell you.  words i hold back because i know the time is not right...they reside in my heart, taking up space in my mind...making my chest tight with anticipation, wearing on my body with the exhaustion that comes with holding back.  they are only words.  would mean little to most, yet to the intended, could be everything.  to you they would come as no surprise, yet i feel the need to actually say them.  i never want you to wonder where you stand.  never want you to question what you mean to me.  if ever you're faced with something that seems too hard to handle, i want you to know these things and hopefully find comfort in knowing you are completely loved, and never alone.  in you i see my best self.  the truest, most honest side of me.  i find comfort in knowing that while i may never have everything i want, i have had many moments where i felt everything i needed.  i know your hand like i know my own.  i can look in your eyes and feel time stop.  yet, i get anxious when i'm afraid there won't be enough...enough to share everything with you, to show you everything i want you to see, to help you see all the good within you and around you.  i'm far from perfect in every aspect of my life, but i hope that in the end you will feel that i loved you perfectly.