disappointment...

she handed me her evaluation sheet, and with eager anticipation asked "did i pass, mommy?"  sadly, what i saw was the blaring class recommendation that said "FS3"...so, no, no she didn't pass.  as i explained to her what the scoring meant, gently told her that she would be retaking level 3 again, i watched her little face crumble...we were still at the rink so she had an audience...she tried desperately to hold it all in, to keep it all together; and simply said "i want to leave.  i don't want to skate anymore tonight."  she held the tears at bay til we were safely in the car and then - like i tend to do when i'm overwhelmed - let it all go. 

the circumstances don't matter.  disappointment is all the same in the end.  what you wanted to happen, didn't.  that's it, plain and simple.  i have found that some of my most painful moments, those i've since discovered were masked as sadness...were really disappointment in disguise.  life isn't fair.  one of the earliest things i can remember my mom saying.  "when life gives you lemons, you have to make lemonade"...a true, but harsh, analogy.  i remember her saying that the night our house burned...i was sitting on her lap, exhausted from emotion, trying desperately to make sense of why it had happened (i was in sixth grade at the time and was feeling everything from sad to angry, to a bit lost, to thankful, to overwhelmed and even a little scared)...that was the first time she told me the lemon story.  my response?  "yeah, but i can't seem to find the sugar"...a little funny, but so very honest given the circumstances.  i've found myself thinking of those very words many times over the years...faced with difficult situations that in all honesty i don't want to face.  sometimes "making lemonade" just seems too hard...sometimes you just wanna drink the damn lemonade (with a little vodka!!!) and forget about it all.  

sometimes i find myself wondering how i can protect myself from disappointment...but, then i realize, that means sheltering myself from...life.  what i have found is...people will disappoint us most of all.  not always on purpose, but often because they see no other choice when trying to find their own happiness.  we, as humans, no matter how self-less, no matter how giving...are still selfish when it comes down to it.  we try hard to do the right thing, to look out for others, to do everything possible to keep from hurting someone else...but, when faced with our own reality...especially in tough situations, we will ultimately choose our own happiness.  i can speak openly about this subject, as i've done it myself.  i am far from innocent where this is concerned, and while i'm not proud of it in the least, i do own up to it.  and, if you're totally honest with yourself, you will likely see you've done the same.  

so, how do we minimize the disappointments, or maybe even the effects of them?  i don't know.  sometimes i am thankful for the arm that holds me just far enough away...thinking that because of that distance, i am not getting close enough to really let myself get hurt....that if i don't fight it, that arm is right where i need it to be, keeping me safe from falling too far.  but, then i blink and i realize that no, i don't want that...i want to fall completely, and to be fallen for completely...to have no distance, nothing protecting me from us and our demons...to let him be my safety net.  i think what i find myself not being completely honest about, is just that...it's an interesting balancing act and i'm never 100% certain of where either of us stands but i know that in some very unique way we do balance each other out when it really comes down to it.  and, ironically, we are each terrified of disappointing the other.  ah, to feel safe enough to finally let that fear go...to know that the other would still be there even if we disappointed them...that no matter what, they are always there to come home to.  i think that's what we are all searching for...     

life is hard...we will fall, and we will somehow pick ourselves back up.  what i'm finding is that it's so important to find those people who will be right there next to you with a little hand when you need it.  that there is nothing so important as the people we surround ourselves with - yes, the human, often selfish, certain to disappoint us people.  what's that saying?  "don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option"?  right.  that one.  i never want to be anyone's "option"...only their "priority"...