why is it that when we lose one person we are then haunted by the sadness of losing others?  isn't it enough to have to face the grief right in front of you without having to also revisit the loss of another? 

i am packing to go be with my family...mixed emotions for sure - a little anxious to face the reality of what has happened coupled with the sheer need to be with them, with the only others who knew him and are feeling much as i am right now.  the family viewing is at 4pm today.  i am dreading it.  i would rather not see him, not stand over him in that way...would rather keep my last image of him safely in front of all the others.  it was three weeks ago now...we had gone up for our annual pig roast and at the end of a very good day, i knelt next to him in his chair and took his hand and just talked to him...nothing significant, just words...i knew he wasn't well, but didn't want to think that they could be the last ones we would share.  but, that moment, brief as it was, will always be mine. 

there is something about losing a grandparent...it's like a piece of your childhood is gone somehow.  so much of my life is tied to them, they loved me unconditionally - only ever wanting me to just be there (something i never did enough of)....and now, they're gone.  first pop-pop, then gran and now grandpa.  yes, it's part of life.  yes, we were blessed to have so much time with him.  yes, he went peacefully.  i know all these things yet right now i'm just....sad.  and it's not just for him...it's for the others too.  mostly gran because losing her was so very difficult for me and i miss her terribly still.

what i'm finding is that this week is like the emotional trainwreck of faith...i know, that sounds silly, but it's true.  everything i've been holding in, everything that has hurt, everything i wish was different or more or whatever seems to have risen to the top with this one event and i feel...lost...a bit overwhelmed...terribly alone...and often like i can't breathe because of all the built-up emotion that is trying to somehow escape me.  so, i apologize now to anyone who must see my totally irrational side...but, with the death of a loved one we are faced with the realities, the shortcomings, the disappointments in our own lives and as much as i've tried to ignore some of them; they are proving to be hard to hide from now.  i have yet again been reminded of the fragility of life...of the importance of surrounding myself with only those who deserve to be there and to take time to enjoy the life i have with these people. 

my heart hurts.  my body physically aches.  i've had a headache for two days straight and my shoulders and neck may never relax.  but, i know that's just part of it.  tomorrow we will celebrate his life and then i will come home and maybe finally fill the tub as full as i can and just lay in the warm water letting all of this wash away.  until then, my mind keeps showing me pictures...a little photo album of sorts...of him, of her...and those little memories make me smile if only for a second.  i carry pieces of them within me, of that i'm certain.  characteristics undeniably them that i wouldn't change for anything.