piglet sidled up to pooh from behind. "pooh?" he whispered.
"yes, piglet?"
"nothing," said piglet, taking pooh's hand. "i just wanted to be sure of you."
-A.A. Milne
sometimes i feel like that. i need to be sure...of someone, of a reassurance that exists only within the presence of certain people. kind of like how m still occasionally needs to just know i'm "there"...it's not necessarily a physical space, but more of a conscious state that somehow connects two people when they most need it.
how do you step back from someone? especially someone who is that reassuring person for you...how do you somehow remove yourself from the situation so they can find what they need, figure out where they are and what they want...and, scariest of all...trust that they may, in the end, find their way back to you in a way you've never shared before yet knowing that there's a very good chance they won't? i'm wrestling with my selfish, human tendencies tonight...trying very hard to not let my emotions get the best of me. i've given everything i can, tried being everything i thought mattered...and, ultimately, i have to let go. it's so very hard for me to do that.
there's about a million more things i could say about this, but it's too personal. i'm afraid i've already said, written, too much and sometimes feel like by putting these words (and those of the last couple posts) out there, i've exposed my soul and it makes me feel very vulnerable. but, the larger part of me believes in sharing how you feel so in order to be honest, i feel like that's what i have to do...share that vulnerable, exposed, in many ways, raw side of me with people who have no real need to even know this piece of me.
what i realized is this...a couple days ago i spent a few hours feeling like i belonged to someone again...something i haven't felt in what seems like forever. i know it was just the way i felt, it wasn't real...but, for a brief moment, i felt like someone had chosen me...and, no not just someone...but, someone who means the world to me. the truth is, it doesn't matter what i feel, what i've felt, what i want or how i wish it was. i've allowed myself to be in a situation below me in order to hang onto someone who isn't ready to be hung onto. i've seen it. i know it. i just haven't wanted to accept it for fear that the moments that which made it all worthwhile would never be again.
so, here i am...letting go. stepping back. and just letting it be.
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