i was speaking with a dear friend the other day about how much i love her blog (you can find it here), and she said something about how much she admired the honesty with which i write and how it's brave of me to do that. i'm not sure that i'm brave and i'm certainly not always completely honest...as most of us do, i leave out lots of the dirty details, shining up or skipping over parts of my life that either hurt too much or embarrass me...and then i realized something. i've had a mind full of stuff these past few weeks and have written about none of it. none. zip. nada. nothing. and i thought back to that conversation and to the whole point of this blog - to share my life...even the parts i don't want people to see...in hopes that even one sentence, one thought, one fear, one word might make a difference to someone. and in this reminder i was...ashamed...disappointed in myself...and realized that maybe that's part of why i've felt a bit lost lately. i've kept all the junk i should be sharing bottled up without giving it room to breathe, without laying claim to these pieces of myself and then putting them out there so they don't feel so large and overwhelming inside of me. sometimes i feel so much...get bogged down by so much...that i find it hard to breathe. why do i do that? mom tells me i always felt everything more so than other kids...that i had a higher than normal empathy level...that i seemed to take on other's pain as if it were my own. she's right. and i do that to this day. so, couple that with my constant internal battle with my own insecurities (please don't confuse that with me being insecure in who i am, because i'm not...but, don't lie to yourself for one minute and try to tell me you, too, don't have things you second-guess yourself on or struggle with because i don't believe you) - mostly as a mom...especially as she is growing up way too fast right before my eyes. so...what i've decided to write today is a little about those very things...
2014...no resolutions. i don't make those, remember? (no need to set myself up for failure.) but, i realized there are things i want to do/accomplish/enjoy/deal with over the next several months so i decided to just think about and focus on those. i have talked about traveling for the past two years and have not actually done a damn thing about it (i am terrible at research and planning which isn't good when you want to do things on a tight budget - so, i'm working on that as well). something as simple as going to hermann to visit the wineries (i would love to go to napa, but that just isn't going to happen this year) and with any luck, going to the beach even if it means i load m in the car and we drive south until we hit water - those are on my list.
the other is the really big one...i have spent the past two and a half years in an apartment and i'm ready to do something different. i am terrified...and a little excited...but a lot terrified. i never thought i would, nor did i ever want to, buy a house on my own. but, it's been five years...and, i find myself wanting something more permanent for us - permanency is something i seem to have a hard time with...nothing in my life, besides m and she isn't gonna want much to do with me in a few years, feels permanent - rather it feels like everything is a bit unstable, always at the mercy of something or someone else...nothing seems to have staying power in my life and i'm sure if i told a therapist this they would immediately bring up mom leaving and tell me that is the root of my issues. or something like that. anyway, i have called a good friend who is a realtor and while i'm scared that i can't even qualify for a house - nevermind all the other fears i have about it - i want to at least open that door and start the process because if i don't i'm afraid i will never make a change.
money. i have little of it. and, i've never been good at actually managing it. i pay my bills and am okay, but don't make a lot of money - it's okay, i love what i do and willingly trade the big paycheck for the unconventional benefits that come with my job. i am trying to be more mindful of where my money is going and less ignorant about the choices i make. again, this goes back to my lack of planning and my desire to do better. i'm 36 years old for god's sake. you would think this wouldn't be something i'm just now working on, but better late than never, right?
okay...i have places to be and work to do. next up in the "what's taking up space and energy in faith's mind" will likely be m and my job as her mom...i feel like i'm lacking in that department big time these days, but maybe i'm hoping it's more about refocusing my thoughts and putting them down on "paper" - that always seems to help. teaser: be more present. put the damn phone down and truly be there as much as possible. who really cares what everyone is doing on facebook or instagram or twitter? see that not so little person (and anyone else i'm sharing space with) and give them my attention.
whew! as always....these posts aren't perfect, but neither am i. but, i love to hear what you have to say so feel free to comment or ask questions or give me advice. i believe it takes a village...
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