Thursday, January 2, 2014

1.2.2004...er...2014...

1.2.2004...ten years ago...almost feels like a lifetime...well, it sort of is - your lifetime.

i have a hard time imagining you there now, wrapped so tightly inside of me...the warmth and security of my stretched belly held you safe just beneath my heart.  i remember it all so well...your tiny hands and feet stretched constantly as you tried desperately to make room...your little bottom jutted out making my tummy look like a torpedo...the length of your back as you rolled across my entire being.  my belly button popped out like a thanksgiving turkey timer long before you were due...the large crevice i now have in its place my one true visual reminder of where you once lived.  we were once one...two of everything yet existing as one safe within my skin.  a matched set from moment one...you couldn't be more like me in some ways if you tried.  we watched your tiny face, your long fingers, your miniature toes on the screen that afternoon before you were born and i remember wondering in that moment if you would know me once you were no longer inside of me.  turns out i had nothing to worry about.  your eyes were midnight blue, much deeper than your daddy's, your papa's or even your aunt becca's.  tiny pink lips that when you rested looked like the delicate bows i now love so much.  and those long, skinny fingers quickly found their way to mine wrapping tightly around me whenever you could.  to this day you reach for me with those not-so-little hands and when you sleep, i see the baby girl who was laid upon my chest that early january morning.  i had a dream about you once when i still held you close within me...a simple dream, nothing other than the realization i was holding you and i could see your tiny face as you looked up at me.  i was in love with you long before i saw you...yet knew you the moment i saw you...that same tiny face that stared up at me with those beautiful eyes.  i remember thinking...and maybe even saying, although i can't remember now..."there you are.  i know you."

for a brief moment i got to hold you safe within my body.  your every heartbeat dependent on mine.  never can i tell you in words what those nine months meant to me, my beautiful girl...never can you truly know how my heart grew simply by feeling your tiny flutters low in my tummy that late-summer afternoon.  but...no one else knows what my heart sounds like from within its walls...no one else has had my blood coursing through their veins...no one else has ever been so completely protected by me...only you.  you hold my heart like no one else ever will.

you changed my life at 4:55am as your body left mine.  i knew i could no longer rely on my safety to be enough for you and this reality becomes even more evident as you are growing up and needing me less and less.  you have pulled back in some ways - ways you're supposed to, ways i'm proud of...yet, there are moments i wish i could go back for an hour and just hold you in the early morning light.  i carried you to bed after your skating show a couple weeks ago...you had to wrap around me so i wouldn't drop you...and for a second i remembered carrying you to bed as you nestled in close to my neck with your little bitty arms tucked in close to my chest...and i felt a pang of sadness.

your birthday is a day i look forward to each year...there is something beautiful in remembering the months, the hours...the final minutes of anticipation, just waiting to touch you, to feel you...from the outside.  i love you more than i could have ever even imagined ten years ago...i want the world for you...or whatever version of it YOU want for yourself....within you lies so much life and i pray you find a way to live every bit of it.  i'm just thankful i was the lucky one who got to feel you, know you, love you first...

1 comment:

  1. awww this was very sweet!!! happy late birthday to your sweet girl!

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