Sunday, March 23, 2014


what's more important - the big picture, or the details?  when you stop and really think about it, which is it?  i tend to be a big picture kinda girl, yet can find myself hung up on details...if that makes any sense whatsoever.  i'm not great with details...i tend to blame that on my poor memory, but it's likely more a result of the ever-looming ADD i'm fairly certain i have.  my brain just won't slow down long enough to retain details and i have to work hard to not only remember them, but to even see them or focus on them when making plans or learning things.  it's a fault of mine and i'm not proud of it.  on the flip side, i am constantly imagining things - places, stories, people, situations - some of which are based upon memories and some that are simply just day dreams.  but, they are always big picture - a general overview really.

this leads me wonder...who am i?  i mean, obviously i know who i am...but, what do other people see when they look at me?  what do others see in me - the big picture and all the little details?  do they see the me i see or someone/something entirely different?  i know that at the core of it all, i am both...

i am all the little details - my love for wind chimes, sunshine, the sound of laughter, homemade chocolate chip cookies, white daisies, a good book and almost any well as my dislike for cold, brussels sprouts, traffic, mean people, scary movies and snakes.  i'm also every heartbreak, every accomplishment, every failed attempt, every word - written and unpoken...i am my mother and i am my father...i hold pieces of each of my grandparents - some easy to see, others only visible to me...i am my fear of failing, my wish to be something more...i am strong and determined - especially when it comes to people...i am a mom who is often terrified of messing this little person up...i am a writer who wishes she could sing...i am physical touch, quality time and words of affirmation...i cry at movies and want the fairy tale...i am insecure sometimes which leads me to act jealous and clingy...i hate unpredictability and crave familiarity...i dream of traveling all over the world yet can't wait to come heart is always my guide even when it shouldn't be...i tend to see the best in people but then get hurt when they disappoint me...i am human - i make lots of mistakes and i hurt people without meaning to...i try really hard to be honest - most of all with myself...and when it's all said and done, i pray i do enough good in my life to outweigh the bad.

and i am the big picture...all of those things wrapped up into a 4'10", 95 pound, 36 year old redhead with freckles with the big smile and hazel eyes who tends to be too loud but who loves fiercely and has a hard time making decisions.  i am crazy protective of those i love and give until you've pushed me so far that i truly have nothing more to give.  i can be a little too serious, yet have an ornery side.  and it's more important than anything that i make a anyone i know, anyone i work with...even to those whose path i may only cross for an instant.  i fear not being enough, but hate that part of me.  i wish i didn't need validation from anyone yet am honest enough with myself to know that's just not true.

i think it's important to know who we be aware of what makes  it's within that knowing that we are able to give the best of us, yet also be able to see the parts that need...well, a little more work.  i believe we are all a constant work in progress...that God is continually molding us and shaping us to do His work...i'm also fairly certain there are parts of me that He likely has no idea what to do with yet He loves me anyway and keeps patiently working on those stubborn parts through forgiveness, mercy and grace.

i hope we are each able to see those in our lives - and those we maybe just pass on the street - with that same amount of compassion remembering none of us are one or the other....we are every detail and the whole picture.  it's within those details we become whole.  the hope is that others are able to see us as just that...whole, no matter how many cracks we have.

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