4.8.2014...

There is comfort in hearing the predictable voice of someone you love on the other end of a phone line...and today, as I called my dad after hearing that one of his lifelong best friends had died early this morning, I found myself holding my breath as the phone rang, waiting for these words..."Canaday brothers".  I've heard them a thousand times over, yet today I needed to hear them...needed to hear my father's voice...needed that reassurance that comes with knowing he is right there where he's supposed to be.  My heart aches for him...this will be the second close friend he will bury in less than a year.  His words?  "Well, when you get old, your friends start to die."  I heard the tremor in his voice and I know the only man I've loved my entire life has cried today...for his friend...and likely for much more.  

My relationship with my parents is a strange one...to say the least.  If I allow myself to think about it I feel...well, I feel too much so I don't really let myself go there.  I'm pretty certain a therapist would have a field day with this one topic and could probably pin every one of my "issues" and failed relationships and lack of true direction on my parental disconnection.  I love them...so much...these two people who gave me life...whose DNA I share...whose personality traits I find myself both searching for and fearing...they are my history, my childhood, the source of my faith and the source of many of my questions.  I look at them and on one hand wonder how I ever came from them and on the other find myself craving the similarities...the shape of my hands (hers)...the length of my toes (his)...the shape of my eyes and the early wrinkles around them from squinting when I smile (his)...the shape of my face (hers)...the size of my ears (his).  And the much more important traits...the ability to forgive quickly (both)...the slow temper that explodes quickly and without warning (his)....the warm, love everyone, judge no one attitude (both)....the ability to read people (his)....

They loved me first...and maybe best...they hold memories of me no one else does.  And while I've pulled away for many reasons, I know my heart seeks them out when I'm uneasy or worried...even if I don't actually reach out to them.  

So today I reached out to him...maybe a little for us both...and maybe he found a little comfort in the sound of my voice when he heard "hi dad"...at least that's my hope.