5.23.2013...

looking back, i'm not sure which one of us was more of a mess...which one of us needed the other more.  in the beginning, i thought it was you but now i'm not so sure.  on paper you were clearly in a worse spot while i was fairly certain i had my act together.  what i couldn't see at the time was how with each moment i spent with you, a part of me i didn't realize was broken...was healed.  with you i was never alone....something i swear i'm not afraid of, yet if i'm completely honest, is a part of why i've hung on.  no one has forced me to be as honest as you, no one has ever allowed me...encouraged me...to actually be honest with what i think, how i feel.  in exchange, you gave me honesty and truth...even when you knew it would hurt me.  and, you have...more times than you may remember...yet, from the moment you walked through my door i just...knew.  i knew you were meant to be in my life, and i in yours.  to me, we were the epitome of my greatest belief.  while i've accused you of not listening, you always heard me.  gently you've pointed out faults of mine no one ever has...things i'm sure have annoyed not only you, but are likely to blame for other relationships not working as well.  you've been there in your own way when i've needed you...rarely as i've expected, yet always exceeding any expectation i could have had.  friends is all you've ever been able to call us...all you were capable of giving.  but, for some reason, no matter how hard you worked to convince me of this, i always put us somewhere above that.  this, our greatest difference, is the only one that matters now.  the words "i'm not going to force my feelings anymore" were the final blow.  you could have slapped me and it would have hurt less.  you have a good heart, of this i have no doubt.  while i see potential in you that may no longer exist, i choose to believe somewhere inside of you is the man i've seen glimpses of in the rare moments you've let your guard down with me.  you've come so far in the time i've known you, but i know you aren't yet where you want to be.  i deserve to have everything from someone...just as you've told me so many times.  and you deserve to not have to worry about whether or not you'll hurt me as you continue to find your place.  we both fear not being enough...and now i fear being "too much".  what i have to remind myself is, for someone, i will be just right.  i just hoped that someone was going to be you.  i know we met when we were meant to...filled needs no one else could at the time.  in many ways you are my best friend, but i'm having a hard time letting you be just that.  but, i'm trying.  i'm trying to let it be.  trying to trust that the future holds things i can't yet see.  so...my friend...i won't ask you to force your feelings ever again.