thursday morning i got out of the shower and looked in the mirror...hair wet, no make-up...and saw 17 year old me in my reflection. full of promise and innocence; the eyes that looked back at me weren't drained, the lines not so pronounced...and, for a brief moment, i remembered exactly who i was, everything i wanted, at that point in my life. then, somehow, as i dried my hair and put on my make-up, that 17 year old disappeared and was replaced with 35 year old me...promise and innocence replaced with disappointment and worry, the reality of my life - the one i've created - evident in the lines around the less than bright green eyes staring back at me. and i didn't like what i saw.
i realized the other day that i've made very few changes in my life over the past year and a half. the new job being the only real change. otherwise, i've pretty much sat still in my little life...mostly because i'm afraid of creating a problem i can't handle or upsetting the fragile balance i've worked hard to create. or, so i thought. then, i started thinking about things and the truth is, i have little balance - only some very restrained self-control that has gotten me nowhere. i haven't grown much as a person. i haven't traveled at all. i'm hardly going to church. i'm not dating anyone. i haven't been exercising. i have made no plans, given myself nothing to look forward to...and all of a sudden i felt clausterphobic in my own life. i felt small and insignificant, like it wouldn't matter if i was here or not - no, not depressed or suicidal or anything like that - just that my existence is merely that...that i'm just here, not really living...and all of a sudden i felt the overwhelming need to find balance, to make plans, to give myself SOMETHING to look forward to.
for months, years maybe, but months from what i can clearly remember, i have felt a consistent tug to do something very different with my life. while marketing/communications is my job, it is not my passion and while i am beyond thankful for my job and do not regret the change i made; it fills a need in my life - a paycheck - but not a desire.
on tuesday night, while on a bit of a road trip with a dear friend and his son, that very subject came up. i've spent a lot of time with them, yet we've never talked about this before, but on a long stretch of highway as my friend rested, his 17 year old son said this to me..."i think you should be a counselor. for high school kids. you would fit in at our school, they are all really great people and you would be really good there. kids would talk to you." and as i sat in that backseat i almost cried. he doesn't know my heart, has no idea all the things i'm thinking about...but this 17 year old kid saw the exact thing in my that has been pulling at my heart and put it into words - gave it life, made me feel, for the first time, that what i've been thinking/feeling could be a possibility.
thursday afternoon i got an email from a good friend who won a trip to turkey while at a conference last week and she's asked me to join her. we are waiting on the details before making a final decision, but if it's as good of a deal as it initially appears, i'm in! it's possible that for nine days in november i could be putting another stamp in my little passport, seeing beautiful historic places, eating new foods, meeting unique people...and i'm pretty excited! i have been itching to get away, to travel and see something new. i look at discount travel sites often and spend more time daydreaming about laying on a white sandy beach than i should probably admit. while the turkey trip may not pan out, i've decided that no matter what, i will make plans to go somewhere this year and just making that decision gives me something fun to think about.
i don't make decisions well. food courts are an excellent example...they overwhelm me. i would rather (and, it's safe to say this simple fact alone says a lot about me as a person) someone just tell me what to do, what to eat, where to go, etc. i have never liked making decisions...as evident in my previous paragraphs. this also mirrors my dislike for change - even good change. i think i believe that if i don't make a decision - don't allow change - i am better able to control things in my life, giving less room for something bad to happen...and, in turn, less room for something good to happen. and, yes, i realize as i type these words how crazy this all sounds. but, as my friend lezley said earlier this week, sometimes we just have to make a decision...a change...because sometimes making a wrong one is better than making none at all. true. scary, but true. *sigh*
that said, i'm playing kick ball. yes, kick ball. me. one of the last ones to be picked when we played as kids in gym class. me. the least athletic person i likely know. and, funny enough, i'm loving it! i'm not as terrible as i thought i would be. i'm not great, but i'm not terrible. in fact, i scored last week and while i can't catch a ball to save my life, that little contribution (although we still lost) made me feel pretty darn good. so, yes, this is one thing outside of my comfort zone. and i'm really glad i'm doing it. fingers crossed i can actually get under a fly ball and not drop it just once before the season ends.
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