tomorrow. may 22. seven years. i will wear my ladybug shirt and be all-too-aware of the time. i will likely find myself drifting back in time as i always do on that day. i will think often about sarah and wish, yet again, that i could take this from her knowing full-well i can't. and then, i will remember what we did tonight...charlotte's pre-school graduation. somehow the little girl i connected with the moment i held her is five and on the downhill side to kindergarten and i love her to pieces. she and her incredibly cute little brother do a very good job of filling the holes left by one very precious little soul.
time is flying...too fast for my liking at the moment. in just over two weeks m leaves for the summer and for some reason i'm terrified she will leave in june and come back in august all grown up. i have a different kind of anxiety for this trip. maybe it has something to do with the fact i've watched her change so much over the past nine months. maybe it's seeing all the footage from things like the sandy hook shooting and the boston bombing and now the moore tornado...i was watching a mom as she finally found her son sitting on a curb yesterday after the tornado and i found myself crying along with her; certain that if it were me and m i would never let her out of my sight again. now, don't get me wrong, i want her to go and enjoy her time with her dad and step-mom...and, while it's very hard for me to admit, i selfishly enjoy a little time to myself. but, there will be a hole inside of me when she gets on that plane and sometime about three weeks later i will find myself wandering around feeling like someone has cut off my right arm. but, tomorrow we get to do something we've never done. tomorrow we are going on her third grade field trip and i'm honestly not sure which one of us is more excited! she asked me to go, not just kind of suggesting that she might like for me to meet them down there; but, rather, a "mom, i really want you to go. to ride the bus and lead a group and be a part of the whole day." okay, m, okay. so, i will ride a school bus for the first time since the last away football game in 1994 and be in charge of a few nine year olds who (in her words) usually think i'm her baby-sitter instead of her mom. i. can't. wait! and i pray we make a few memories neither one of us will forget...not just over the eight weeks we're apart, but maybe one or two that might last a lifetime.
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