i noticed it early one morning...when she lies next to me her feet now lie next to mine rather than somewhere up around my knees. she doesn't hold my hand like she used to...only sometimes and when she does it's often because she feels insecure or afraid...never when i reach for it as we walk through parking lots and rarely just because. she is increasingly aware of how her friends see her and wants desperately to fit in in all the typical girly ways. i'm thankful for mismatched outfit choices and constant spinning through stores and down sidewalks...these simple things remind me she is still a little girl, at least in a few ways. to me, she has changed in so many ways over the past nine months...which is mostly to blame for my anxiety over her leaving this weekend - i can't even tell you the number of times i've said from the front seat while looking at her in the rearview mirror to not grow up too much over the next eight weeks. i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm crazy. i find myself trying to absorb as much of her as possible...to give as much of myself to her as possible...enough to hold us both until she comes home again.
see, i know she's growing up. and, i'm okay with that...there are some really great things about her growing up, but with those come the realization that i'm slowly becoming less and less important...that, in time, i will be a nuisance to her - a last resort when it comes to someone she wants to spend time with. and that simple fact literally breaks my heart. there's something about having only one...you get one shot...for everything. when that's over, when she grows up, there isn't another to fill her shoes...to fill my hand or my time.
she called me "mommy" tonight...that doesn't happen much these days. she's outgrowing that too. on occasion she even rolls her eyes when saying "mo-om" out of exasperation. the little girl who, at the beginning of the year, needed me to wait and wave to her until the bus was out of sight barely waves most days now as she climbs on board. she still kisses me quickly on the cheek as she climbs out of the car while we exchange our "i love you's" and "have a great day, i'll see you this afternoon's". i am thrilled she is confident enough to not need me next to her constantly at this point, proud of the girl she is becoming. but, i'm terrified of the next stages in more ways than i'm even prepared to admit.
sometimes i wish i could stop the clock, rewind it even. back to the days when she fit on my chest as we slept and rarely was her little hand far from mine. but, i know we can't...so i'm doing all i can to enjoy every bit of where we are right now. focusing on the person she is now and trying to not screw up the woman she will become. i remind myself often as i look in her big blue eyes that i am so blessed to be her mom...that having a healthy, happy, well-adjusted child is more than i could ask for...and i try really hard to simply be her mom despite all the ways i seem to undermine my own abilities.
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