6.5.2013...

i've believed on a few very important occasions that i truly heard God...the first time His words scared me..."it's bigger than you, faith." and "trust me, i am with you."  i heard those words very clearly on a late january sunday while sitting in church with the ex-amazing boyfriend just a few weeks before he turned our life upside down and broke my heart.  i remember being acutely aware of the weight of those words...knowing that it couldn't mean anything good...and, ultimately, i was right.  at least at that point.

then, after meeting a very special person i remember praying often about our situation.  it was anything but typical, and on many occasions i felt like no matter what i gave it wouldn't matter...but, each time i prayed about it, i felt God telling me to be patient, that He would take care of me in the moments when i needed more than my friend could give me.  each time i trusted those words and gained strength from them.

and, last fall, when i interviewed for the job at the hospital...i felt God leading me, opening the doors with ease.  heard Him telling me that this was the next step and i trusted that guidance.

yet, now, i feel mislead in so many ways.  while i don't regret the time i've spent with my friend, or the pieces of my heart i no longer hold...things are probably at their worst at this point between us and i'm hurt and sad.  the job i wanted so badly has been a terrible disappointment...i can count on one hand the number of days i've truly been happy there and i feel like a complete failure.  i truly feel like the ways in which i trusted God over the past couple years have lead me to a point now where i feel lost, defeated, broken down...and i'm afraid of trusting that voice i put so much faith into in the moments i needed guidance the most. 

i am disappointed...in these situations, in myself, and maybe even in the belief that God was truly speaking to me in those moments and either i didn't understand what He was saying or i somehow made the words mean what i wanted/needed to hear in those moments.  i honestly have no idea, but at this point, i'm leaning more towards the latter....especially given my current situations.  i really have little trust in my judgement right now and am afraid of what else i could screw up in my life. 

back to the first words...looking back, i can see that He was right...that He was with me...in moments when i needed Him more than words could say.  and, it was bigger than me...in many ways.  if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have met my dear friend when he needed someone...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have this little life that m and i share...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have the renewed friendships i have with the girls who mean the world to me...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have stood up for myself when i needed to...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have been able to be as empathetic for yet another friend as her world fell apart not long after mine....if i hadn't gone through that...well, the list goes on and on...way beyond ANYTHING i could have ever seen in those moments when His voice was loud and clear even though the sanctuary was full. 

so...maybe, just maybe...there is a bigger meaning behind the other messages as well.  maybe i'm unable to see the rest right now because i'm blinded by my own emotions, my own issues, my own disappointments...my own pride.  i'm honestly not sure what to do about some of it.  but, i'm working on it.  the worst part is, i find myself unable to lean as much on God right now...unable to fully trust His plan...unable to give all of my problems fully to Him.  so, if you find it in you to say a little prayer for me...i'm looking for my...faith...for discernment and for grace.  i'm beating myself up pretty bad right now and that isn't likely to end anytime soon so the grace is for me. 

right now i just feel...icky (i know, super mature word but it's honestly all i've got at this point)...about many things in my life.  i'm a little freaked out about how that will affect the way i feel about m leaving on saturday.  my anxiety is at an all-time high right now and i know that to anyone around me i likely seem less than pleasant. i'm sorry for that...sorry for my crazy girl moments...i really hope i get this all figured out soon so i can get back to...me.  normal, happy me.  until then...one day at a time.