tonight, as we put up our christmas tree, m and i were watching "the family man" with nicholas cage. i've seen it several times and i love the underlying message, but tonight these two lines hit me...
"we have the chance to have a life everyone would envy"
"they already envy us"
a life that others envy. of course, the first line was said completely about material things - money, an amazing life in a beautiful house, cars, trips, private schools, etc... the second, said from a wife to her husband after he had tried to sell her on such a life, a sobering reminder that what may be enviable to one person means nothing to another.
m and i bought a new tree tonight. the first i've ever actually bought by myself. i hauled it up three flights of stairs, opend the box and we put it together creating something that, to me, became not only beautiful but exatly what i wanted for her...for us. we wound 350 little lights around it, unwrapping and placing ornaments that each hold some special meaning, and battled with the stupid star that won't stay upright. but, that stretch of time was about as perfect as it could have been. and, as she opened the blinds so others could see our tree, i realized that while there are times i get stuck in my head and ache for a life i wish i could have, wish i could give to her...we, in this moment, have a life that's worthy of envy.
see...i had the other type of life for a while...every bit of it and it was nice for a time. but, ultimately it was empty and looking back i do not envy the new woman who is living that life. i wouldn't go back for anything. i am thankful for some of the moments, but if given the chance, i would choose today - choose this little life i've created for m and i - over that life anyday. what i learned in that time was that i was (come to find out) quickly replaceable and never could we have ever truly fit there. but, now, here in our little apartment, i feel like i am who and where i'm supposed to be and thus able to give m a much better life worth way more than anything we had there.
we all want what we can't have. that's no surprise. and, i think that's okay. it pushes us to try harder, to do more, to hopefully not become bitter and jealous but more empathetic and appreciative when we do acquire something we've wanted for some time.
i'm human...and, if asked what i want, what i envy...it's sharing a life with someone and doing so in our home, with our children, creating memories and growing together through whatever life hands us. perhaps that doesn't sound like much to some, but to me it sounds just about perfect. i've had the time to do whatever i want. i've been single for quite some time now and i have no doubt many married people reading this would argue that i have it made and in some ways they are right. but, i want more. i have a hard time looking to the future by myself. to me, making long-term plans includes someone else - please don't see that as a weakness of mine because i don't. i believe we were created to share this life with others and find myself feeling unsettled thinking about anything much further in the future than a few weeks - ok, confession, living on my own has allowed me to be that way in that i do what i want when i want not feeling the need to expect others to plan around me but, rather to just be wherever i feel like being and with whomever i choose to spend my time. selfish? in some ways, yes. but, i miss things like planning holidays in my home...i feel very much like i'm a college kid again in many ways and i don't like that part of being single at 35.
so, back to the whole "a life worth envying"...i have everything i need...more than i deserve...and try so very hard to be thankful for all of that. tonight, if anyone looked in our window, they saw a mom and a little girl creating something symbolic of everything worth envying in our little life. that tree, those moments together, represented so much more than what was happening in those few moments. it represented our life in all its beauty and chaos and that is something to envy.
No comments:
Post a Comment