nine...

she turned nine yesterday.  nine.  it sounds so old, so...big.  as usual, i thought a lot about the day she was born, about the night before she came...remembered memories that sadly grow fuzzy with time yet feel somehow just like yesterday.  but, yesterday was different.  it was the first time i didn't see her on her birthday...the first time i only told her happy birthday over the phone...and i missed her. 

she had a hard time leaving this trip...was very clingy and called three times before she was even out of town.  strange for a girl who barely hugs me before boarding a plane for a typical weekend trip.  she is often concerned about what i will do while she is away, asking my plans and who i will be with to make sure i'm not lonely.  but, this time was different.  she didn't ask those things.  she simply said she was going to miss me and that she loved me.  don't get me wrong.  she's having a great trip and is loving the time with her dad and step-mom.  her birthday was great and i have no doubt she is staying busy and not thinking much about me.  but, in light of the strange start to my week...i can't help but wonder if what they say is true - that kids have some sort of a sixth sense, that while there is no way she knew what was going on with me, she still had some strange feeling that something was going to be "off" while she was away. 

this first week of 2013 has been...interesting i suppose.  i find myself not looking forward, not really looking backward, but trying really hard to just be right where i'm at.  if you don't know, that's very hard for me.  honestly, i have no idea what the next 12 months hold.  i'm not even sure what i want them to hold.  and, i don't say that to sound all negative because i'm not at all.  i just don't know what i want out of this year.  as i've said before, i don't make resolutions...i refuse to set myself up for failure right from the get-go.  but, i think if i'm completely honest with myself, i typically have some things in mind for what i would like to at least happen.  but, right now, as i think about it, i seem to be drawing a blank.  maybe that's okay.  honestly, the only thing i can think of that i truly want to make happen this year is a vacation.  i miss traveling...i miss the beach...i want to see someplace beautiful and be somewhere different for a few days.  the problem is, there are a bunch of places i would love to go:  out to virginia beach to see t and meet their new baby, to vegas for our college-girls reunion, back to disneyworld with m, to the beach in fl where i could see friends in tampa, to omaha to see c and meet the youngest two kiddos whom i feel terrible that i haven't met, to some all-inclusive resort where i could just disappear for a few days with nothing but the ocean and fruity beverages in front of me, to chicago to see em, to new york to see steph and all the things i didn't see the first time...really, the list is endless.  i guess we'll see.  but, i'm itching to get out of here for a few days and usually once i get something in my head it doesn't go away until i do something about it.  so, here's to making that happen...to packing my bags and seeing where the road takes me...