january first...a brand new year. the one behind me passed quickly...looking back there are moments that became memories...some hurt worse than i could have imagined and some brought more joy than expected. people continue to amaze and confuse me. life is still an evolving adventure and i can't wait to see what this year holds.
looking back there are definitely a few moments that will stand out in my mind, in my heart, forever...some too personal to share, best kept locked away for only me to cherish...yet many have been put on display for the world to see...my life an open book in the hopes that those who read my words will continue to inspire me to be better, to be more open and honest with myself and in turn everyone else.
that said...2012 ended in a rather...(i'm not even sure what the right word is...scary, interesting, rough, insightful, overwhelming...all of those and others my mind can't fully put together right now) way. i don't really know how to tell this story...it is so fresh and it is mine...not one i watched someone else live...but, there is no way to wrap up the past year without including it...
yesterday morning i found a lump in my breast (yes, this is likely the most personal story i could share right now and you're right in assuming this is very hard for me to put into words). i was in the shower, nothing special, nothing unusual...but as i ran my hand across my chest it was there. pea-size and hard, undeniably something that wasn't supposed to be there. i pushed on it, certain i had imagined it...sure that if i kept touching it i would discover that what i thought i had felt wasn't really there. my mind raced...panicked and scared, all i could think of was m. yes, i went there...i jumped ahead and thought about everything awful that could happen - i'm a mom, and i'm human and i was terrified. after a call to the doctor, i was sent straight to the breast center at the hospital for a mammogram...my first at 35. but, first, i had to go through patient registration...i sat in the room i walk through numerous times each day...felt the fear i have imagined others feel as they wait for their name to be called. one of the volunteers i talk to quite often was in there, but was kind enough to not ask why i was sitting rather than walking quickly through as i typically do. i was given a patient wristband and sent for my tests. the tech asked me to show her where i thought i had felt something and she had no trouble finding it then said that yes, we would go ahead and do a sonogram as well since she was able to tell that there was definitely a lump. the mammogram was nothing to fear, but maybe it's because i was so anxious to know what was going on. once i was on the table for the sonogram, she showed me the lump and explained what she was seeing - mostly black (which is good because that indicates fluid), kidney-shaped and the gray spot was most likely a lymph node - all good news from what she could tell. the radiologist said he thought it was an irregular cyst on a lymph node and told me to come back and have it re-checked in six months. i'm not okay with the six months of doing nothing about it...i've heard too many horror stories of women doing that and ultimately ending up with something terribly wrong. so, after talking with a couple people who know way more than i do about this stuff, i am seeing my doctor and asking her opinion. yes, i'm relieved...of course i am. does that take away the fear i felt? no. nor does it erase the fact i am now a bit more aware of...well, several things...most of which sound way too morbid when typed so i will just leave it at that.
i don't tell you that story for pity or to scare anyone. i'm not trying to make it out to be something more dramatic than it was because others have experienced way worse, and i have no trouble keeping this in perspective...more so because it made me value the past 12 months even more and made me look forward with a different kind of view than i guess i've had before. i'm thankful...and i'm excited for this year! i can't wait to see what this life will become in the days, weeks and months ahead...
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