two for two...

there are days that literally make me shake my head...knock me off my feet...make me question absolutely everything about my life, about the people i have chosen to share my life with...today was one of those days.  today i was two for two.  the ex-amazing boyfriend and the most recent man of the hour (you know, the oh so great guy i met a few months ago who so graciously fell all over himself trying to help me when i did a number to my hand falling out of the carriage on the plaza?  yeah, him.) both informed me that they have girlfriends...you heard me right, not just something casual that you don't bother mentionioning to the girl who meant something to you...nope, a legit, honest to God, girlfriend. 

now, these are two totally separate instances with totally separate emotions attached but my learning of their existence happened within the same 12 hour time period.  right.  again, these things only happen to me.  the ex-amazing bf wasn't really a shock.  i mean, come on, it's been over seven months...it was bound to happen...but, to actually read the words "i don't want you to run into my girlfriend" (don't judge, there was nothing going on, i was simply trying to return an autographed cd of his favorite band) first thing this morning was a bit tough to take.  que minor pity party complete with tears...honestly, i can't tell you how i expected to feel only how i DID feel in that moment...and, as much as i would like to say it didn't hurt, it did.  i was replaceable...as we all are...and, take into consideration that i lived in his house...so, she sits where i sat...sleeps where i slept...drinks coffee from cups i drank out of...looks at art i helped pick out...walks in what was my daughter's bedroom...enjoys the yard i so loved and will see the roses that meant so much to me simply because i got to choose them.  she is in the life i loved...so, it's way more than just the fact she in now his girlfriend.

as for the most recent situation...well, he's not really mine to claim.  he made it clear he wasn't ready for anything serious, but as i tend to do, i fell for him anyway...yep, that's me, the girl who finds the one emotionally unavailable man and thinks he's the one for her.  it's been a constant roller coaster to say the least.  he was dealt a tough hand last year and that's putting it modestly...but, of course, as fate would have it...we met anyway.  and, being the overly empathetic one, the girl who can save anyone, always drawn to someone who just isn't ready no matter how badly i want them to be...i fell for him, completely and honestly fell for him...certain that if i cared enough, if i tried hard enough, gave enough, was patient enough, he would realize that he wanted it too.  seriously?  does that ever work out?  not in my book and since that's the only one directly affecting me, i should seriously reconsider my criteria.  do i regret it?  no...do i wish things were different?  yes, most definitely.  but, it is what it is.  and what hurts the most is the fact he said he wasn't ready for something serious...wasn't there yet...that he knew he was missing out on something great by not being ready, but that it was what it was and he couldn't force himself to be ready.  right, well, turns out he was ready...for something, or someone...just not me.  cue feelings of inadequacy. 

see, i struggle constantly with not being enough...if i'd been enough, my ex-husband wouldn't have done what he did...if i'd been enough, the ex-amazing bf would have kept me instead of so easily discarding me...if i'd been enough, the new guy (i kinda hate that i don't even have a proper title for him, but since i don't tend to discuss my dating life on here, there isn't an apporpriate title for him at this point) would have wanted me...instead of her.  ok, i'm guessing many of you are shaking your head and thinking that i need to just see the situations for what they were - rather than turning the blame inward and focusing on what i assume is wrong with me to make them want something other than me.  but, that's how i'm made and no one has been able to change that about me yet.  prove me wrong, i dare ya.

to me, it's hard...it's personal...and, it hurts.  i don't like starting over, no matter how much fun the beginning of a relationship is.  i long for the moment when i feel comfortable with someone...when i can curl up next to them on the couch and simply read while they're watching tv or napping.  i want to feel so connected to someone that when we're walking our hands instinctively find their way to eachother.  or, when we lay down, our bodies simply know how to fit together because it feels natural.  i want someone to realize when i'm stressed, when my shoulders are so tense i can hardly stand it, and reach out to rub them without me having to ask.  i want someone to be crazy excited to see me at the end of the day, yet not need to do anything other than simply BE with me because those moments are what center both of us.  i want someone to bring me flowers for no reason, and to remember my favorite restaurants when i mention them.  i want to finish eachother's sentences and share inside jokes.  i wanna look in his eyes and know that when he is looking back at me, he sees everything he has ever wanted.  i want the fairy tale...our fairy tale...the one WE write.