i can't remember the last time all five of us sat at that kitchen table...i tried hard to remember, but couldn't. i was at most 15, but no matter how hard i tried i couldn't find a memory that fit. the only difference was my eight year old...sitting between her grammie and papa...i simply sat back and watched...for the most part the conversation flowed well - something i was very thankful for - yet, it was oddly...unsettling. in those few moments, my mind raced...i imagined what our family would be like if it were "complete" now...how it would feel to sit around a table, eating dinner as a family...not because we had come together to mourn a friend, but simply because that's what families do. then i thought of my daughter and was better able to empathize with her...because no matter how well her father and i get along, no matter what new families we create for her, she won't have that very simple thing i found myself longing for in that moment. while i've never honestly cared that my parents are divorced, i have found myself missing some feeling of "completeness" in regards to our family. perhaps it's because neither of my parents remarried, perhaps it's because i hate that my child doesn't have typical grandparents like i was so very blessed with, perhaps it's still a child-like desire to come "home" to my parents rather than to separate homes that now neither fit quite right...most likely it's a combination of all of that and other emotions i choose not to focus on at this point in my life.
we spent the evening as a family...dinner, walking through the visitation line, chatting with people who still refer to my sisters and i as "the girls", and then...sharing gran's chocolate pie. monday it will be a year, and i miss her more now than i did then...so, last night as we sat around and talked about her, about the last time she had cooked, what she would have thought about different things, noticing similarities we each try to find between she and us...i found myself holding back tears.
those couple hours held way more emotion than i imagined they would. i never expected to feel the things i did, and wasn't quite sure what to do with it all. so, i chose to let it be...because i'm finding that sometimes that's what i have to do...no matter how hard i would like to ignore the emotions, or rush through them to something better, they will follow me until i face them. and, it's funny how much you learn about yourself, and others, when you take the time to do just that.
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