Tuesday, December 6, 2011

things that would only happen to me

go ahead, prepare to shake your head or laugh or sigh or simply wonder just how on earth i make it on a daily basis (trust me, i wonder that all the time!)...these stories are all true, not at all embellished, and all mine...

the one with the guinea pig(s)...
earlier this year morgan convinced me that she NEEDED a guinea pig...she saved her money and wrote a very convincing letter so we went to the local pet store and bought a young, male guinea pig.  he was a good little guy...nothing exciting, made all kinds of squeaky sounds and even purred when pet just the right way.  he loved carrots and was growing quickly...so quickly in fact that one night morgan said, "mom, sam is getting fat.  we should lay off the carrots."  i checked him out and didn't see anything unusual, but he was a bit round.  i just figured he was growing.  morgan left that next day for her dad's wedding and i was left in charge of sam for the weekend....on friday morning, i woke up and went upstairs to feed sam and found what i thought was (dead) sam shriveled up between his little house and the wall of the cage.  i yelled for fred (we were still living there then) and was afraid i had somehow killed him in one night.  he came up and we both looked at the little creature, trying to figure out what it was/what had happened when the little wooden house started shaking!  i may have shrieked and finally opened the cage, lifting the wooden house up to find...two more guinea pigs!  there were a lot of "what is that?  are those...babies?  how did that happen?" being yelled in those moments.  disbelief.  absolute disbelief.  i mean, sam was a BOY...and a very young one at that.  baby boy guinea pigs don't have babies!!!  well...sam was clearly a samantha and she had clearly been pregnant when we bought her...and we were the proud "parents" of two baby girl guinea pigs!  guinea pig facts...1) it is VERY difficult to tell the sex of guinea pigs...2) guinea pigs nurse for four weeks but...3) can start reproducing at three weeks!!!  YIKES!!!  needless to say, i was beyond shocked (think of the line in Christmas Vacation where chevy chase says "i wouldn't be more surprised if i woke up tomorrow morning and my head was sewn to the carpet").  i will say, baby guinea pigs are adorable...they are born looking just as they do when they are full grown; complete with teeth and fur.  they are sweet and cuddly, but i didn't need three so we did eventually find homes for the babies and now we're back to just "sam"...or "samantha"...only in my world, seriously.

the one with the fall...
i went on a first date not long ago...come on, you know ANY story that starts like that has to be not only decent, but fairly embarrassing, right?  okay, so we went to the plaza to see the lights and after a long walk we got hot chocolate and decided to take one of those carriage rides (my only stipulation was that we NOT end up in the cinderella coach).  the ride was good...but, when it came time to get out; he was tipping the driver and independent me decided to go ahead and climb down (it's not like it's a long ways up and there are steps!)...well, picture it...hot chocolate in my left hand and as i stepped on the final step, the heel of my boot got caught in the grate of the step...you get the idea.  no matter what i did, i couldn't get it out and in an instant i was on the ground - still holding my hot chocolate, i might add!  but my right hand and right knee took the brunt of the fall and i am embarrassed to admit it was tough not to cry but i held it together as my date watched in horror...yes, he wanted to catch me, but how on earth could he have done that???  that would have probably made things worse.  my hand was bleeding pretty bad and it hurt even worse...i was really thankful for the emergency band-aids i carry in my purse (you know, for morgan - ha!).  i won't lie...i was mortified.  thankfully it was late enough that there wasn't much of a crowd, but still...i had fallen.  in public.  out of a carriage.  on a first date.  but, i hadn't cried and didn't pass out from the blood...which is something i have a tendency to do.  and, yes, he was a total gentleman...he helped me up, apologized profusely for not catching me (as i reassured him there was no way he could have prevented it and that i'm naturally a total clutz), and then helped me put my band-aid on.  who else does this?  who else falls out of a carriage on a date???  again, only me.

the one where the puppy gets electricuted...
we adopted a puppy a couple months ago.  a decision i have both loved and regretted, but i think that's part of it.  he is the sweetest little guy, but 100% puppy.  anyway, he is very curious...into everything right now, including the christmas tree.  he crawls behind it constantly, hiding from kitty, chasing kitty, pretending to lay low when he is really trying to be sneaky...often nibbling on the string of lights (i keep thinking about that cat in Christmas Vacation).  i try very hard to stop him, but he's a puppy and sometimes i just don't catch him.  anyway, fast forward to tonight...i was in the kitchen starting dinner when in the span of about .5 seconds little charlie was under the tree and began making a horrific sound which, in turn, made morgan scream...let me say, that to this point, i have no idea what is happening or causing all this noise nor do i know how to stop it.  it was clear charlie was hurt, but i couldn't get to him to figure out how or why...he appeared stuck, but again i couldn't figure out how or where...he simply kept making this awful sound (somewhere between a bark, a cry, and a yelp) and morgan kept screaming at me to help him...you know, cuz i was simply ignoring the situation!  i finally got him out from behind the tree and he wouldn't let either of us touch him...he ran for the patio door and i let him out...he crawled behind the bikes and that was where he stayed until morgan somehow coaxed his little shivering body out and back inside.  i honestly don't know what happened...the lights were still on, there was no spark, no smoke...but, there was also nowhere he could have been stuck that would have hurt him like that.  i'm guessing that he got shocked and now i'm wondering about the safety of my lights and tree???  the good thing is, after about an hour of him curled up in a little ball, he made a full recovery!  he is back to normal, and and strangely...back to sniffing around under the tree...yet again, only in my world do these things happen.

there are more of these stories...and many more to come, i have no doubt!  i know we all have crazy things that happen in our lives...most of the time they are funny only to us (or way funnier to everyone else because it didn't happen to THEM!!!)...but, they help us keep life in perspective, that's for sure!  do you have stories like this?

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