christmas week

christmas came and went with little drama or excitement.  m left for texas earlier in the week so i spent my first christmas ever without seeing her at all on the holiday.  i did pretty well, considering.  the drive to dad's on christmas eve (while listening to sappy christmas music, i might add) gave me lots of time to think and, ultimately, miss her.  a phone call as i was driving into town was a much needed distraction so the lonliness passed without much damage. 

the time with dad, my sisters, and their kiddos was as close to perfect as it could have been.  it's funny, there we were...in the house we grew up in...each with our own stories, our own situations, and our own blessings...and it was like time hadn't passed.  we each resumed our predetermined roles within our little family - three sisters, each dynamic and unique in our own ways yet well aware that our shared past is the tie that binds us in spite of our differences.  we share so much, the three of us...yet, there are moments in time we simply can't share, burdens we can't bear for one another and that is hard to accept.  but, in those moments we stepped back in time...teased and laughed, reminded of things that are only relevent this time of year...like how sarah hates anything having to do with peanut brittle so of course, becca and i each took great pleasure in eating the biggest pieces we could on either side of her!  or, how sarah always thought her picture ornament should go front and center on the tree so becca all sneaky-like took it and hung it high on the kitchen cabinets just out of sarah's reach!  little things, silly things, moments that remind us of where we came from; who we are when the drama of our real lives is stripped away.  dad sat back at watched...i wonder if he saw us as we are now or as we were all those years ago.  if he more often thinks of us as we are now or at whatever point in our lives was his favorite.  we haven't had christmas at his house in years, and it was comforting in many ways to be there like that. 

mom came down for the weekend...wanted to see us for christmas and make sure i wasn't too lonely with m gone.  it was nice to have her here.  we spent saturday afternoon together...ate lunch, did a little shopping...normal mom/daughter things...things we haven't done in years...literally.  see, we lost her a few years ago...she got sick and retreated somewhere deep within herself.  she closed herself off from all of us, and we lost the most precious of life's gifts...time.  i don't blame her.  she couldn't help it, and i get that...but, that didn't make it much easier to deal with.  but, at thanksgiving, we saw her again...our mom, as we remember her...funny and warm with a genuine smile and light in her eyes.  i don't think i realized it at the time, but in that moment i finally stopped holding my breath.  i knew she was going to be okay...that i could let my guard down a little and allow myself to be the daughter again. 

i've been thinking all week about what christmas meant to me this year...the focus isn't exactly where it should be...while i try, i'm a bit off track right now and probably have been for quite some time.  i have struggled for a long time with figuring out where m and i are supposed to be church-wise which is what i use as my excuse.  i know, i know, church isn't supposed to be what you get out of it...it's what you put into it...and that makes perfect sense, but i'm having a hard time committing to anything.  it's all part of my struggle to be a "real" adult i think.  no permanence, no real commitments, no one depending on me for anything...simply show up and take from the experience each week...well, that's not how it's designed to work and maybe that's my problem.

this christmas week has also been full of time with friends...a few i rarely see, but who mean the world to me.  we laughed a lot, shed a couple tears, and were reminded of everything that's important.  we see the future in our children...watching the next generation of "us" play together is incredible!  it's cliche to say this, but it's hard to believe how much you miss someone without even realizing it...until you're in the same space with them for a couple hours.  time goes too quickly and before you know it you're saying good-bye again for what you know will be months.  so, those visits were a gift in and of themselves.  no bows, no wrapping but definitely the most loved, most treasured.

i have spent time with people who matter to me...maybe that's what christmas was supposed to be about for me this year...holes filled in ways i never expected.  little moments...each full of meaning, joy, love.  i think maybe that's all that matters.