it's a cheese puffs and red wine kinda night around here...
i'm watching julie & julia and remembering the streets of paris...the pain au chocolates and the baguettes...the little doors of every color down each windy street...the view of the city from sacre couer...the way i felt almost transposed into another era as i stepped out of the stairs of the metro and looked up at the century-old buildings, imagining the stories they each held.
then i find myself imagining a white sandy beach...the crystal clear water never getting more than waste deep no matter how far out you go. i want to take her to swim with the dolphins and watch the sea turtles hatch...wander up and down the shore looking for sea glass and sand dollars...little things that when added all together become some of life's greatest memories.
i want a big, double-wide chair in a bedroom next to a window with a little table and a pretty lamp. there i would find all my notebooks, pens, stationary, laptop and a stack of my favorite books...a soft cozy blanket draped over the back and a vase of pretty fresh flowers. i would read and write in my very own beautiful little corner. this space doesn't exist in my current bedroom...
my small blonde one is sitting behind me talking to no one in particular in a fake brittish accent - i almost expect to hear "the rain in spain falls mainly on the plains", but she knows nothing of eliza doolittle. she is spending great amounts of time creating special bracelets for friends and practicing an accent she shares during the day with her little redheaded friend. she knows not of the battles i fight within...the fears i carry and insecurities i try hard to hide. i still find myself struggling to feel like much more than a wanna be adult who can't quite figure out how to do it all...living each day wondering if i'm giving her enough of myself or if she will look back on this time and see me as selfish and lazy, or wonder as i often do why i didn't try harder to do more with my life or make plans to do something instead of sitting back waiting for it to come to me. i'm not sure why i worry so much about her knowing me and seeing me for who i am instead of the me she will likely conjure up in her mind based on moments spent in anger or embarrassment, mingled hopefully with joy and love. maybe because it's just me and there is no one else here with us to help her see what life is like (yes, i realize she has a fantastic dad and incredible step-mom who do plenty of that but i mean right here, in our home, our life). what am i teaching her? what example am i setting for her? does she know she can do anything or will she have a dream and make it smaller to fit into whatever box she is comfortable with? will she know how to share a life with someone even though she may never see that here? am i teaching her how to be a woman of virtue? a true friend? am i teaching her to respect herself and stand up for what she believes in? am i inspiring her to live her life and to appreciate the people within it and the memories she creates? please, god, i hope so. there are many ways i know i am failing her. ways i don't even want to get into right now because there really is no point and i don't have the energy to address them tonight.
what i do know is, i love her. i fiercely love her with all that i am and if she knows nothing else about me, from me, she will know how to love and that, in my opinion, that is the greatest gift you can give anyone.
for now, i will finish my glass of wine and heat up a bean bag for my achy back and crawl into bed with the hope my night doesn't end at 3 a.m. again.
this is good stuff. it is true though. as mamas we do most ( in your case all ) the "work" and i like how you want her to remember you as a person...not as the person who cooked and cleaned and drove and disciplined.
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