4.8.2013...

when do we stop believing in wishes?  in magic?  in miracles?  is it around the same time we discover it's embarrassing to cry in front of others so we force ourselves to hold everything in, stifling our cries so no one will hear us and think we're weak?  maybe it happens when our trust in the things unseen is tested and we become a bit hardened and cautious; looking for proof to either back our understanding or undermine that of someone or something we would rather not. regardless, it happens...to us all. 

i have one wish right now.  just one.  and it's for something i can't have, yet want more than anything.  i would give almost anything to make it happen, but there is nothing i could give that would make a difference... 

she climbed the three flights of stairs to my apartment and i didn't even have to look at her to know the affect that climb had on her...the stillness in her pause, the deep breaths she didn't even bother trying to hide...and i knew things were different this time.  something new is wrong with her heart and, for the first time, she is afraid. 

she is my younger sister yet she has always been larger than life to me in many ways.  with her beside me there was nothing i couldn't do.  my fears were always matched with her bravery.  so, to see the fear in her eyes...to hear it in her voice, breaks me in ways i can't really put into words.  there are two amazing children who call her mommy...two beautiful little people who deserve to know her without the exhaustion, without the pain, without the worry of what if.  in 34 years she has touched so many people...explosive and passionate, she gives all of herself to anything and anyone she cares about.  her eyes hide more than most know, a lifetime of being different weighed down by the constant effort to be the same.  yet...nothing about her is...has ever been...the same...typical...normal.  and that's part of what makes her so special.  it's part of who she is, part of her gift...and it has given her the ability to love freely and without measure, judging no one and openly accepting everyone she meets. 

i wish for a new heart...i would give her mine if i could.  maybe that's too much to wish for, but right now i would use every birthday candle...every heads-up penny...every necklace clasp turned around the wrong way...every good fortune...every falling star...every four-leaf clover...every wishbone...every puffy dandelion...just to increase the chances of it coming true.  so, right now i'm choosing to believe in wishes...choosing to believe in magic...and maybe most of all, choosing to believe in miracles.