one of my projects at work is to promote an upcoming event called "speaks4me"...as in, if something happens to me and i can no longer make medical decisions for myself, i have chosen this person to speak for me; or in other words, to make sure doctors and medical staff know exactly what my wishes are in regards to advanced directives, life support, organ donation, etc...
i started working on this about a month ago...i spent time researching what a durable power of attorney for healthcare means...learned that when you have one written you appoint what they refer to as an agent (a very cold word for a very intimate responsibility in my opinion)...and then thought long and hard about the fact i do not have one of these, nor do i know who i would ask to serve me in this role.
for the most part, every decision i make at this point in my life is based upon how my actions would affect m. as you can imagine, this particular decision...or, ultimately, set of decisions...carries with it consequences i find beyond difficult to put into words. my biggest fear is the thought of her growing up without me...not me missing out on my life, or her's even...but her dealing with losing her mom. i want to know that if something tragic were to happen to me, every possible effort will be made to save me...for her.
the thing is, right now, i don't know who i would trust with this task. the weight of the conversation alone is more than i typically care to endure yet it is one everyone should have with someone. it's no secret life throws us surprises we are unprepared for...at some point in our lives each of us has been, or will be, faced with making life or death decisions for someone we love. we will be face to face with their mortality and i can't help but believe if we knew in advace what they ultimately want our job would be even the slightest bit easier.
i've spent quite a bit of time thinking about all of this...i've had no real choice since a folder full of smiles and sunshine also known as "speaks4me" currently resides on my desk. at our last meeting i was point-blank asked if i have a durable power of attorney...if i've made these decisions for myself and i had to say no. to which the table full of attorneys, social workers and nurses - each of which hear painful, gut-wrenching, stories from families facing this very thing all the time - told me it was time i had it done...making it almost sound like it should be as simple as signing any other contract. i wasn't sure how to tell them that while i most certainly understand the weight of the issue...having faced one of those painful, gut-wrenching situations myself a few years ago...i just don't know who i want to have that conversation with...whose name i would want on that piece of paper.
here are the things i know: i believe strongly in organ donation, i would want any and all of mine donated possible...i don't want to be kept alive if they know there is no way i'm going to wake up and live a productive life...i never want to be a burden to anyone...but, if there is any hope i can live and be the mom m deserves, then i want everything done possible to make that happen. those are vague and when it comes to advanced directives there are many more specific decisions to be made, but those are the big ones. so...i guess what i'm hoping is that if something happens to me, someone will know me well enough to speak4me...to take these suggestions and pray about it and let God guide their heart to make the best decisions possible for me...for m.
it is a selfless act...to represent someone you love like that...to put their wishes above your own. i mean, who wouldn't want to save someone they love no matter what? that's part of what makes all of this so special...to give something so great to someone else you must be willing to put your needs, your hurt, your hopes aside and let go so they can live...or die...as they choose. i've had a version of this conversation with a very dear friend on more than one occasion. i know his general wants and even what he wants done if he were to die. i feel honored to even know these very personal things, to have the knowledge of what lies in his heart and to be trusted with the ability to act on his behalf if necessary. there have been no papers signed, no witnesses, no notary...just a simple conversation between friends that, to me, is every bit as valued as anything we could sign or file in a drawer somewhere.
i don't like thinking about this stuff. it makes me very uncomfortable. but...i'm actually kind of thankful to be forced to weigh all of this out. i'm always the first to say "life is short"...and i think it's important to at least try and have some say in how your life plays out. there are so many variables we don't get control over so it's kind of nice to think we could possibly be heard in our most vulnerable, yet most silent moments.
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