may 22, 2006...

my mind is stuck a little today...wrapped around memories i'm often able to pause only momentarily on without giving them the chance to fully take over...but, today is always different.  today it's impossible to push them aside, to almost pretend they aren't actually real....today, like every year since, i let myself remember...give myself over to the reality of that day, the weight of those moments, and the significance of one very special life.

the day flashes through my mind like an old-school home movie...raw and sketchy with blurred edges, sometimes skipping and jarring from one image, one moment, to the next.  i'm overly aware of times...6:45am...9:15am...3pm...8:45pm...each laced with emotion, softened some by time, yet still a little too familiar on days like this.  i'm haunted mostly by expressions, predominately sarah's, but even by those on the faces of strangers in the waiting room; each carrying the weight of grief, fear of the unknown, unwilling acceptance of things no one should ever have to see.  we each were lost in our own thoughts, drowning in our own personal pain; unable to see more than a minute at a time because it was too hard to look past the certainty of time.

it's amazing to think that one incredible baby touched so many people...that a life spanning only ten and a half weeks could have so much impact.  some of us live for years and never serve our purpose, never reach our potential...yet, somehow, he did it in two months.  each life is a gift, be it two months or 100 years...it's what we do with it, what we accomplish, who we serve, how we live, and maybe most importantly how we love that determines its worth.

find purpose in your life, experience the full potential of each day, feel each emotion and learn when to discard them when their time has passed, see the good in others yet don't let them walk all over you, be open to the world around you and know people are put in your path for a reason, understand the importance of time and spend it wisely with people who are worth it, give freely of yourself trying hard not to expect anything in return, smile more, laugh longer, hold tighter, walk slower, wait for direction, be mindful of others while putting selfishness aside, and love...love more, love harder, love openly without fear.