regardless, i woke early this morning with sara bareilles' song "brave" running through my head...
you can be amazing
you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
you can be the outcast
or you can start speaking up
nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
when they settle 'neath your skin
kept on the inside and no sunlight
sometimes a shadow wins
but i wonder what would happen if you
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
with what you want to say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
everybody's been there,
everybody's been stared down by the enemy
fallen for the fear
and done some disappearing,
bow down to the mighty
don't run, stop holding your tongue
maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
maybe one of these days you can let the light in
show me how big your brave is
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
and since your history of silence
won't do you any good,
did you think it would?
let your words be anything by empty
why don't you tell them the truth?
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
with what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
i'm honestly not sure why i woke with these words in my head on this particular morning. m and i love this song and always turn it up and sing along when it comes on, but for whatever reason, it's on repeat in my little brain this morning. which, typically means something in my world...
it's no secret to those who know me best that while i can talk...a lot...i am good at talking over, or around a subject - especially when talking about something i'm uncomfortable about or even more so when it comes to how i feel about something. see, i'm a peace keeper. i hate conflict - big surprise, i know. i avoid it at all cost, always have, nothing new here. but, in doing that, i've often sacrificed my feelings, my hurt, my words for the greater good. or, whatever i perceived to be the greater good at the time. i've been known to use words like "fine" and "okay" and "don't worry about it" and "it's not important"...even when asked point-blank how i felt or what i thought about something. some of you - mostly women i'm guessing - are nodding your head in complete understanding because you do it all the time as well. some of you are shaking your head at me in frustration because either you would never do that or because you know me well and can see the negative effects this has had on me and my life. you may wonder why i do this...well, most of the time it's because i don't think my feelings matter all that much, or that whatever i'm upset about isn't all that important and the situation will blow over soon enough so why bother making it bigger by saying all the stuff i'm thinking. maybe it's because when i'm upset, i have a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into actual sentences so when i do try to get them out it comes out a jumbled mess and i look like a fool and am ultimately more upset with myself than if i'd just kept my mouth shut.
and...maybe, just maybe, it's because when something is really important to me...i become afraid...afraid to put words to it, afraid that if i do that, it becomes completely real and once it's out there it can't be taken back. i keep those thoughts and feelings safe inside of me; protected from judgement and rejection. but, why? sure, there have been times when i've been brave with my words...when i've trusted myself...and the one standing in front of me...enough to say what i wanted to say. and, in so doing, i've had different reactions...good and bad. but, most of the time, i've just kept it all in...because i rarely trust anyone enough to share my true words...
my favorite part of the song is:
maybe one of these days you can let the light in
show me how big your brave is
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
and since your history of silence
won't do you any good,
did you think it would?
let your words be anything by empty
why don't you tell them the truth?
show me how big your brave is...i wanna see you be brave...let your words be anything but empty...why don't you tell them the truth...i need a sign with these words on it, or maybe a tattoo...
i know people who are brave - in every sense of the word. that's just never been me. i've made a few brave decisions...some of which i was terrified to make...and with each one i learned more about myself. a few of them made me trust myself, and my ability to make those tough decisions, less...but, more often, i learned to trust myself...my thoughts, my feelings, my gut...more. sometimes my feelings are shared by the one standing in front of me, and sometimes they aren't...and what i'm learning to accept is that it's okay, that i will be okay, when they aren't. clearly, holding my feelings in hasn't served me well in the past. i end up feeling misunderstood and ultimately resentful that i'm not being heard or that i don't matter. well, whose fault is that?
i have some amazingly, brilliant women i am blessed to call friends and one of them has the best words for any situation. a while back we were talking about something going on in my life and she said to me that no matter which way it goes it will be better than it currently was...and - these words have stuck with me the most - to do something, anything, because all i was doing was prolonging my joy. i think about her words often. she was totally honest with me, but in a gentle way that she knew would get through to me...mean something to me. and, it worked. i want to be wise like her...to be still long enough to hear what others have to say...to have the right words for my friends when they need them...and to never let my words be empty, but always truthful and brave. even when i'm afraid.
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