11.12.2013...

i hate that with the onset of fall comes shorter days and longer evenings...with that, i find myself tired much earlier and in bed often before 10 because i simply can't keep my eyes open any longer.  but, with that, comes the ability to yet again wake early in the morning, wide-awake full of thoughts...see, i'm a morning person by nature yet have lost some of that as i've gotten older - i blame having a child who never slept well...i think i've been tired for 10 years straight.  i've always loved the early morning - much as gran did.  maybe it was all those mornings waking up at her house, finding her in the kitchen playing solitaire and drinking coffee.  i would join her and she would make me something special to eat and we would share some time together before anyone else got up.  at home, i was the family alarm clock, waking much earlier than everyone else - i think i enjoyed the responsibility...and maybe the alone time.

regardless, i woke early this morning with sara bareilles' song "brave" running through my head...

you can be amazing
you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
you can be the outcast
or you can start speaking up
nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
when they settle 'neath your skin
kept on the inside and no sunlight
sometimes a shadow wins
but i wonder what would happen if you

say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave

with what you want to say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave

everybody's been there,
everybody's been stared down by the enemy
fallen for the fear
and done some disappearing,
bow down to the mighty
don't run, stop holding your tongue
maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
maybe one of these days you can let the light in
show me how big your brave is

say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave

and since your history of silence
won't do you any good,
did you think it would?
let your words be anything by empty
why don't you tell them the truth?

say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave

with what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave

i'm honestly not sure why i woke with these words in my head on this particular morning.  m and i love this song and always turn it up and sing along when it comes on, but for whatever reason, it's on repeat in my little brain this morning.  which, typically means something in my world...

it's no secret to those who know me best that while i can talk...a lot...i am good at talking over, or around a subject - especially when talking about something i'm uncomfortable about or even more so when it comes to how i feel about something.  see, i'm a peace keeper.  i hate conflict - big surprise, i know.  i avoid it at all cost, always have, nothing new here.  but, in doing that, i've often sacrificed my feelings, my hurt, my words for the greater good.  or, whatever i perceived to be the greater good at the time.  i've been known to use words like "fine" and "okay" and "don't worry about it" and "it's not important"...even when asked point-blank how i felt or what i thought about something.  some of you - mostly women i'm guessing - are nodding your head in complete understanding because you do it all the time as well.  some of you are shaking your head at me in frustration because either you would never do that or because you know me well and can see the negative effects this has had on me and my life.  you may wonder why i do this...well, most of the time it's because i don't think my feelings matter all that much, or that whatever i'm upset about isn't all that important and the situation will blow over soon enough so why bother making it bigger by saying all the stuff i'm thinking.  maybe it's because when i'm upset, i have a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into actual sentences so when i do try to get them out it comes out a jumbled mess and i look like a fool and am ultimately more upset with myself than if i'd just kept my mouth shut.

and...maybe, just maybe, it's because when something is really important to me...i become afraid...afraid to put words to it, afraid that if i do that, it becomes completely real and once it's out there it can't be taken back.  i keep those thoughts and feelings safe inside of me; protected from judgement and rejection.  but, why?  sure, there have been times when i've been brave with my words...when i've trusted myself...and the one standing in front of me...enough to say what i wanted to say.  and, in so doing, i've had different reactions...good and bad.  but, most of the time, i've just kept it all in...because i rarely trust anyone enough to share my true words...

my favorite part of the song is:

maybe one of these days you can let the light in
show me how big your brave is

say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave

and since your history of silence
won't do you any good,
did you think it would?
let your words be anything by empty
why don't you tell them the truth?

show me how big your brave is...i wanna see you be brave...let your words be anything but empty...why don't you tell them the truth...i need a sign with these words on it, or maybe a tattoo...

i know people who are brave - in every sense of the word.  that's just never been me.  i've made a few brave decisions...some of which i was terrified to make...and with each one i learned more about myself.  a few of them made me trust myself, and my ability to make those tough decisions, less...but, more often, i learned to trust myself...my thoughts, my feelings, my gut...more.  sometimes my feelings are shared by the one standing in front of me, and sometimes they aren't...and what i'm learning to accept is that it's okay, that i will be okay, when they aren't.  clearly, holding my feelings in hasn't served me well in the past.  i end up feeling misunderstood and ultimately resentful that i'm not being heard or that i don't matter.  well, whose fault is that?  

i have some amazingly, brilliant women i am blessed to call friends and one of them has the best words for any situation.  a while back we were talking about something going on in my life and she said to me that no matter which way it goes it will be better than it currently was...and - these words have stuck with me the most - to do something, anything, because all i was doing was prolonging my joy.  i think about her words often.  she was totally honest with me, but in a gentle way that she knew would get through to me...mean something to me.  and, it worked.  i want to be wise like her...to be still long enough to hear what others have to say...to have the right words for my friends when they need them...and to never let my words be empty, but always truthful and brave.  even when i'm afraid.      

11.5.2013...

"give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.  send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:  i lift my lamp beside the golden door."

- quote on the statue of liberty

i have always said it's not my job to judge...not people, not their choices, not their beliefs, not their experiences, not their interest in, or lack there of, in things i care about, not their sexual orientation, not their desire to marry or to create a life with someone that doesn't involve a ring or legalities.  we aren't here to give our opinions on other people's lives simply because they differ from our own.  while we are allowed to have opinions and beliefs, i find that many deem theirs superior and build a platform based upon "christian" beliefs -  most of which truly undermine all things Christ lived - and died - for.  who are we to tell others how to live or who to give their hearts to?  who are we to look at another and take one piece of their life and diminish the value of them as a person because we dislike or disagree with that one thing?  is our conscious so clear, our history so pristine, our closet so empty that we can honestly justify the judgement and persecution of others - most of which we have never even spoken to or know?  

if you look back, the people who did the most good - who helped the most people - did so without question or hesitation.  never did they ask someone who was hungry if he was gay or straight before feeding them.  never did they question the validity of a relationship between a man and a woman before opening the door to them or giving them something of need.  these things just don't matter when it comes to helping people.  how does one's sexual orientation affect whether or not someone is worthy of help?  it just doesn't.    

the reason behind this post - this rant - is irrelevant.  what is relevant is the sad reality that we have people - families with children - who go hungry, who sleep in cars, who search for one person to believe in them just enough to give them one little break.  they love their children the same as i do, as you do.  they want the best for their family just the same as you and i...they simply have been dealt a different hand and for many of them, the deck is stacked against them.  i sit across a desk from people who open their lives to me...every dirty detail, every mistake, every fear...every hope, every dream, every plea...each laid out before me in the form of one simple request.  for me to open our door to them and believe in them enough to give them the chance they need to survive...to step forward...to make a better life for them and their children.

one such mom literally walked to my office a couple weeks ago...no car, no job and three kids who were barely scraping by in the extended stay motel a few miles up the road.  she poured out her heart, told me her story, opened the book of their lives to me hoping i could see past who she had become.  what i first saw was a woman who had been beaten down, abused verbally and emotionally, left to flee with her children from everything they knew with nothing other than a few possessions....i watched her swipe away prideful tears and i saw a woman, a mom, who had a fire in her eyes...something i could only describe as hope...which is the one thing so many people are lacking when they finally reach our door.  but, she had it and i instantly felt a connection to her.  two days later we moved them in and a few days after that she was offered a job and found a car.  she has told me more than once how thankful she is that i believed in her enough to give her a chance...that she believes she was lead there for a reason and that she can't believe a stranger would care enough about her to have faith in her...not just help her, but see her for who she is underneath her "homeless" exterior.

what she doesn't know is i am inspired by her...that her tears weren't the only ones shed...that her words gave me hope and helped me believe in myself and my ability to do my job...to make a difference.

i often wonder if Jesus were standing in front of me who He would see.  would He say "well done, my child" or would He turn His head in shame.  at the same time, i often wonder what others see when they look at me...do they see my invisible scars?  are the aware of my insecurities and crazy obsessions?  do they know i fear being misunderstood and forgotten?  are they able to love me in spite of my uncontrollable interrupting and unending excitability that i know drives many crazy.  do they know that when i'm quiet i am likely nervous or anxious about something?  and do they know that while to most people i appear confident and extroverted, i'm actually quite shy and still feel the same need to be accepted as i did when i was 15?  are they proud to call me friend?  do they look forward to our time together?  if asked, could they truly tell you who i am?

i'm honestly not sure.  what i do know is i'm thankful to be surrounded by incredible people...a support system of family and friends who are counted among my "strengths".  that is something so many i encounter are missing and it makes life that much more difficult for them.  trust me, i struggle with lots of things when it comes to the families we serve...i have things that, for me, are more than i'm prepared, or equipped, to handle.  but, i'm trying.  i've always believed we never know who may be standing before us...that we should see others through Jesus' eyes and show them the same grace and kindness He would.  so, i try.  i may not always succeed, but i try.  and i don't give a damn if they are married, single, straight, gay or living "in sin".  none of that matters in the grand scheme of things and i'm fairly certain it doesn't matter what i think or believe when someone needs a roof, food and a little bit of hope.