6.5.2013...

i've believed on a few very important occasions that i truly heard God...the first time His words scared me..."it's bigger than you, faith." and "trust me, i am with you."  i heard those words very clearly on a late january sunday while sitting in church with the ex-amazing boyfriend just a few weeks before he turned our life upside down and broke my heart.  i remember being acutely aware of the weight of those words...knowing that it couldn't mean anything good...and, ultimately, i was right.  at least at that point.

then, after meeting a very special person i remember praying often about our situation.  it was anything but typical, and on many occasions i felt like no matter what i gave it wouldn't matter...but, each time i prayed about it, i felt God telling me to be patient, that He would take care of me in the moments when i needed more than my friend could give me.  each time i trusted those words and gained strength from them.

and, last fall, when i interviewed for the job at the hospital...i felt God leading me, opening the doors with ease.  heard Him telling me that this was the next step and i trusted that guidance.

yet, now, i feel mislead in so many ways.  while i don't regret the time i've spent with my friend, or the pieces of my heart i no longer hold...things are probably at their worst at this point between us and i'm hurt and sad.  the job i wanted so badly has been a terrible disappointment...i can count on one hand the number of days i've truly been happy there and i feel like a complete failure.  i truly feel like the ways in which i trusted God over the past couple years have lead me to a point now where i feel lost, defeated, broken down...and i'm afraid of trusting that voice i put so much faith into in the moments i needed guidance the most. 

i am disappointed...in these situations, in myself, and maybe even in the belief that God was truly speaking to me in those moments and either i didn't understand what He was saying or i somehow made the words mean what i wanted/needed to hear in those moments.  i honestly have no idea, but at this point, i'm leaning more towards the latter....especially given my current situations.  i really have little trust in my judgement right now and am afraid of what else i could screw up in my life. 

back to the first words...looking back, i can see that He was right...that He was with me...in moments when i needed Him more than words could say.  and, it was bigger than me...in many ways.  if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have met my dear friend when he needed someone...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have this little life that m and i share...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have the renewed friendships i have with the girls who mean the world to me...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have stood up for myself when i needed to...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have been able to be as empathetic for yet another friend as her world fell apart not long after mine....if i hadn't gone through that...well, the list goes on and on...way beyond ANYTHING i could have ever seen in those moments when His voice was loud and clear even though the sanctuary was full. 

so...maybe, just maybe...there is a bigger meaning behind the other messages as well.  maybe i'm unable to see the rest right now because i'm blinded by my own emotions, my own issues, my own disappointments...my own pride.  i'm honestly not sure what to do about some of it.  but, i'm working on it.  the worst part is, i find myself unable to lean as much on God right now...unable to fully trust His plan...unable to give all of my problems fully to Him.  so, if you find it in you to say a little prayer for me...i'm looking for my...faith...for discernment and for grace.  i'm beating myself up pretty bad right now and that isn't likely to end anytime soon so the grace is for me. 

right now i just feel...icky (i know, super mature word but it's honestly all i've got at this point)...about many things in my life.  i'm a little freaked out about how that will affect the way i feel about m leaving on saturday.  my anxiety is at an all-time high right now and i know that to anyone around me i likely seem less than pleasant. i'm sorry for that...sorry for my crazy girl moments...i really hope i get this all figured out soon so i can get back to...me.  normal, happy me.  until then...one day at a time. 

6.4.2013...

i noticed it early one morning...when she lies next to me her feet now lie next to mine rather than somewhere up around my knees.  she doesn't hold my hand like she used to...only sometimes and when she does it's often because she feels insecure or afraid...never when i reach for it as we walk through parking lots and rarely just because.  she is increasingly aware of how her friends see her and wants desperately to fit in in all the typical girly ways.  i'm thankful for mismatched outfit choices and constant spinning through stores and down sidewalks...these simple things remind me she is still a little girl, at least in a few ways.  to me, she has changed in so many ways over the past nine months...which is mostly to blame for my anxiety over her leaving this weekend - i can't even tell you the number of times i've said from the front seat while looking at her in the rearview mirror to not grow up too much over the next eight weeks.  i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm crazy.  i find myself trying to absorb as much of her as possible...to give as much of myself to her as possible...enough to hold us both until she comes home again. 

see, i know she's growing up.  and, i'm okay with that...there are some really great things about her growing up, but with those come the realization that i'm slowly becoming less and less important...that, in time, i will be a nuisance to her - a last resort when it comes to someone she wants to spend time with.  and that simple fact literally breaks my heart.  there's something about having only one...you get one shot...for everything.  when that's over, when she grows up, there isn't another to fill her shoes...to fill my hand or my time.

she called me "mommy" tonight...that doesn't happen much these days.  she's outgrowing that too.  on occasion she even rolls her eyes when saying "mo-om" out of exasperation.  the little girl who, at the beginning of the year, needed me to wait and wave to her until the bus was out of sight barely waves most days now as she climbs on board.  she still kisses me quickly on the cheek as she climbs out of the car while we exchange our "i love you's" and "have a great day, i'll see you this afternoon's".  i am thrilled she is confident enough to not need me next to her constantly at this point, proud of the girl she is becoming.  but, i'm terrified of the next stages in more ways than i'm even prepared to admit. 

sometimes i wish i could stop the clock, rewind it even. back to the days when she fit on my chest as we slept and rarely was her little hand far from mine.  but, i know we can't...so i'm doing all i can to enjoy every bit of where we are right now.  focusing on the person she is now and trying to not screw up the woman she will become.  i remind myself often as i look in her big blue eyes that i am so blessed to be her mom...that having a healthy, happy, well-adjusted child is more than i could ask for...and i try really hard to simply be her mom despite all the ways i seem to undermine my own abilities.