4.16.2013...

there are so many things beyond my comprehension.  the senseless actions of others meant to do nothing but cause harm, fear and pain to complete strangers...innocent people caught off-guard...a tiny soul the same age as m taken by the hands of someone with malicious intent and a heart full of hate.  yes, these are my assumptions...harsh opinions from a mom who has a hard time finding the words to explain the magnitude of events that continue to unfold in seemingly innocent situations to a daughter who thankfully hasn't grasped the full extent of fear intended by the monsters hiding behind the term "terrorist".  i seek to find the right explanations, grapple with understanding these horrific events enough myself in order to answer the many questions that come from her.  i read these words from the infamous mr. rogers several times on facebook last night:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” ― Fred Rogers 

i've read them many times in the past, but this time i think i REALLY read them for the first time...really heard the meaning, the depth behind them.  ..."look for the helpers" - even when things are scary, even when things are hard...there are ALWAYS people who are helping.  that simple fact brings me peace.  and...the desire to be one of those people...a helper.

seek first goodness and mercy...reach out to those who have needs greater than yours...look for beauty no matter the circumstances...and love without boundaries or reservation...

ghosts of boyfriends past...

the last two nights i have been visited in my dreams by the ghosts of boyfriends past.  let me back up, or at least preface this with the fact i rarely dream...i mean, hardly ever...so, for me to have dreams i remember not just one night, but two nights in a row is basically unheard of.  okay, back to the story...

on wednesday night i have no idea where i was in my my dream...some random place, and i've decided that doesn't matter.  but, in my dream, the ex-amazing boyfriend (honestly, he is far from amazing, but since that was how i had referred to him in the past i'm using that term for relevance) showed up wherever i was and approached me.  i appeared uninterested, totally distracted and seemed to do my best to walk away.  he followed me and kept trying to talk to me...saying things like he had heard about my new job and had seen my writing and that he was really proud of me and excited for me.  i simply said thank you and congratulated him on his marriage...something he totally blew off and showed no interest in discussing.  all the while i was moving from place to place, seeming to want nothing to do with him even though he was trying very hard to get my attention and compliment me.  i wish i could say there was some big ending, but as is the case with most dreams, it just ended and i woke up.  i didn't think too much of it, only that it was weird i had the dream in the first place.

then, on thursday night, i was visited by a guy i had dated for a while last year...never were the boyfriend/girlfriend labels used between us, but for the purpose of this we'll call him that.  this dream was very similar...vague, unknown location without anyone else around...he appeared from out of nowhere and approached me saying the same sorts of things.  again i blew him off, again i showed no interest, no emotion.  again the only real thing i remember saying was a congratulations on his engagement that he disregarded.  and, again, it simply ended.

i woke up and literally almost laughed out of the sheer coincidence of it all.  i mean, how does that happen?  what does it mean?  why on earth did i have those dreams?  i've thought i was long over both of them, but after telling this story to a couple people, their response was unanimously that i must feel i'm in a really good place and that i'm fully over them and know i'm better off.  i agree with that completely for more reasons than what happened in my dreams, but i guess it's good to have a little affirmation.  i am happy with where i'm at...there are things i want of course, situations i wish were different, emotions i can't fully express sometimes...but, overall, i'm really good.  and, after looking back to this time two years ago, i can easily see just how good i am...and, even better, how much better off i am. 

now i'm just wondering who will be ghost number three...

I am so excited!!!

i can't even begin to tell you how excited i am about this!  i was asked by my dear friend, kaylen, to be the FIRST guest blogger on her site The Penny Project!!!  i am humbled and honored to be asked (this is also MY first time as a guest blogger!!!)...The Penny Project is an incredible concept designed by kaylen to help raise money - small change makes a big difference - and awareness for those who need it most.  please visit her site and if your heart is called, do what you can for those she is serving.

you can read my post here.

4.8.2013...

when do we stop believing in wishes?  in magic?  in miracles?  is it around the same time we discover it's embarrassing to cry in front of others so we force ourselves to hold everything in, stifling our cries so no one will hear us and think we're weak?  maybe it happens when our trust in the things unseen is tested and we become a bit hardened and cautious; looking for proof to either back our understanding or undermine that of someone or something we would rather not. regardless, it happens...to us all. 

i have one wish right now.  just one.  and it's for something i can't have, yet want more than anything.  i would give almost anything to make it happen, but there is nothing i could give that would make a difference... 

she climbed the three flights of stairs to my apartment and i didn't even have to look at her to know the affect that climb had on her...the stillness in her pause, the deep breaths she didn't even bother trying to hide...and i knew things were different this time.  something new is wrong with her heart and, for the first time, she is afraid. 

she is my younger sister yet she has always been larger than life to me in many ways.  with her beside me there was nothing i couldn't do.  my fears were always matched with her bravery.  so, to see the fear in her eyes...to hear it in her voice, breaks me in ways i can't really put into words.  there are two amazing children who call her mommy...two beautiful little people who deserve to know her without the exhaustion, without the pain, without the worry of what if.  in 34 years she has touched so many people...explosive and passionate, she gives all of herself to anything and anyone she cares about.  her eyes hide more than most know, a lifetime of being different weighed down by the constant effort to be the same.  yet...nothing about her is...has ever been...the same...typical...normal.  and that's part of what makes her so special.  it's part of who she is, part of her gift...and it has given her the ability to love freely and without measure, judging no one and openly accepting everyone she meets. 

i wish for a new heart...i would give her mine if i could.  maybe that's too much to wish for, but right now i would use every birthday candle...every heads-up penny...every necklace clasp turned around the wrong way...every good fortune...every falling star...every four-leaf clover...every wishbone...every puffy dandelion...just to increase the chances of it coming true.  so, right now i'm choosing to believe in wishes...choosing to believe in magic...and maybe most of all, choosing to believe in miracles.