there are days when it's just too hard...when holding your head up is even a challenge...when the weight of reality hits you and there aren't even words to express how you feel. overtaken by fear, wishing so much for courage, praying for insight...certain that no choice is the right one, that no matter what there can be no good outcome...so, i do nothing...wait for some sense of peace, some will to fight, some amount of strength to over-ride the anxiety and sadness i feel in this moment.
nothing is ever what it seems, never as simple as we want it to be. we try desperately to keep the pieces together, certain that if we just hold still it won't all fall apart. but, that's not possible. the reality is, we juggle them; rarely seeing the whole puzzle, the complete picture.
truth is, it doesn't matter how much we love, how much we care...how careful we are or how often we look our demons in the eye. we can't control others; perhaps the hardest lesson we must learn in this life. but, what we also must know is that our choices have lasting impacts on everyone around us...the ripple affect...reaching much farther than we ever realize. most of the time we don't hurt others on purpose. we try to do the right thing, while hoping to do the least amount of damage. but, other times we are faced with a decision that we know will hurt others; possibly creating more problems than the one we are hoping to solve. so, tonight i'm praying for direction, discernment, and strength...for my heart, for my girl...and for acceptance, grace, and understanding from others who likely don't even know i need it.
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