sometimes i think about my life; namely about the things that upset me, the things that stress me out or make me anxious...and i'm honestly ashamed. how do i get so wrapped up in stupid things that i can't see past myself to be of any good for anyone? in her book "eat, pray, love", elizabeth gilbert wrote:
"happiness is the consequence of personal effort. you fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. you have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings."
"clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. you cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people."
i've gotta get the hell out of my own way! i mean, seriously. i waste a ton of time on stupid crap. i worry mercilessly on things that either i can't change or won't actually do anything about - so, why bother? i stress out over nothing, let others have way too much control over my emotions, and take myself (and everyone else) too seriously. i need to chill out! but, for someone like me...someone who actually uses the word "intense" to describe myself (probably not a compliment to most people)...how do i do that? how do i just relax and let life...be?
my goal right now is to figure this out...to take a step back from myself and focus on others while also finding my drive, my motivation. is it possible? well, one can hope. i have this looming sense that life is passing me by, that i'm wasting so much - time mostly, but with that comes the fear that i'm missing something, missing out on something. is there supposed to be more? sure i wonder "what if?" about different things...mostly what if i'd stayed at MU and followed my heart and actually persued journalism...that's really the only regret i have and at this point i can't change it so i just wonder if there isn't another avenue for me that i haven't found yet, you know?
i love my life! i am blessed beyond what i could ever deserve. i try very hard to see the little things in life and take time to not only enjoy them, but to be thankful for them. i don't think i take too much for granted, yet i don't try very hard to do better so i think that kind of cancels out the not taking too much for granted part. ugh. if you could see me right now, you would see me rolling my eyes and shaking my head because to actually type these thoughts and read them makes them sound even worse than they seem in the safe confines of my head.
at church i heard that we should change our "what if's?" into "oh well's"...to stop wondering what could have been or how it could be different or what more could i have done and simply think "oh well...i tried. i did what i could and i had this experience, no matter how it ended." again with the shaking head. it's really good in theory...so good i actually wrote it down so i wouldn't forget it, but the "fixer" in me has a really hard time letting go so i'm not sure if i can actually put this into practice...but i would like to try. stop seeing each experience that ended differently than i would have liked as a failure, but rather as just what it was - an experience, something that brought me to where i am today...made me stronger, taught me more about myself, and gave me better understanding of life. it's worth a shot.
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