eight...

in the rush of the week, days have passed by without me even posting about morgan's birthday.  funny.  i can post about my niece and nephew's birthdays, but can't seem to find the time...or, honestly, the words to post about the birth of my own child.  perhaps it's because it's too personal.  or because we were apart for two weeks, then she came home literally the day before her birthday and we crammed christmas, her "big day", and the readjustment to school/normal life into a 24-hour time frame.  a combination of the two is most likely to blame.  anyway, here it is...a few days later and i'm still not sure what to say.  i tried to start this post before and erased it because it wasn't what i wanted it to be.  i toyed with the idea of a "dear eight year old morgan" theme then stepped away from that.  i listed off memories and words that, to me, are everything about her...still i hit the delete button.  truth is...there is just no way to sum up what this child means to me...what her birthday means to me...how with each year i'm reminded of that very cold and icy early morning when my life was changed upon seeing her little face for the first time.

i was asked repeatedly if having her gone on christmas was hard...and my answer was always the same...nowhere near as hard as if she were gone on her birthday.  i can miss holidays, but not her birthday.  that day means more to me than any other.  on that day i was given my greatest gift, my biggest challenge, my toughest task, and my best reward.  i don't deserve her, and i know she is only "mine" for a brief amount of time, an instant really.  i still shake my head when i think of her as eight.  i'm not entirely certain how we got here.  yes, i know, eight is what comes after seven which came after six which came after...but, really, how have eight years passed already?  i often wonder if i'm everything she needs me to be.  if i'm up for the challenge?  if God truly knew what He was doing when He shared her with me?  i still find myself looking for the big binder, the instruction manual, the cliffs notes that will give me all the answers...give me the tools i need to be the best i can be for her and to handle everything that life throws at us.  but, there is no book, no cheat sheet...there's just me...and an incredible little girl who trusts me with everything she has.  often i find myself questioning my decisions and praying beyond measure that i don't screw her up.

morgan delaney...you are everything i dreamed of and more than i could have imagined.  watching you grow up brings me more joy than you will ever know.  you are funny and smart, ornery and sweet, curious and inquisitive, persistent and spirited.  you are determined and long to please those you love.  you want people to accept you and hate when i don't understand you.  at eight you already are embarrassed by me, yet are rarely far from my grasp.  you still want to cuddle on the couch and love to be close no matter where we are.  you have a huge heart and compassion for others.  you tell me often that you want to be a vet and your love for animals is unquestioned.  ice skating and dancing are your two favorite things.  you seem to find yourself on the ice and when i asked how you just know how to move like you do you simply say, "i feel it, mommy".  it doesn't get any better than that.  second grade has been good to you.  you have another incredible teacher and i am thankful that the transition to your new school seemed to be a smooth one for you.  you keep a few close friends, but are slow to let others in.  you make people come to you...warming up slowly, taking them in, requiring that they build your trust.  your eyes are still as bright as the sky and your smile continues to be contagious...your petite stature is endearing to me, yet frustrating to you.  you are afraid you will be as small as me and it drives you crazy that your narrow feet slip out of all the "cool" shoes.  i'm sorry about that.  you are an amazing little girl and i am proud to be your mommy.  eight years have gone by way too fast, and i have no doubt the next eight will go even faster.  hold on to who you are.  take in each moment, experience everything, be open to new things - something you and i aren't very good at it seems, again, i'm sorry - and don't be afraid to trust.  you are a precious child of God and i know He is laying the most incredible path for you!

happy 8th birthday, my girl...