just move

i love that she isn't afraid to just move...random dancing, spontaneous karate moves, jumping up and down for no reason, spinning - lots and lots of spinning...arms flailing, legs kicking, hair flying movements; almost all the time.  she is seven.  every bit of her is seven, but mostly her ability to do things without wondering, or caring, what anyone else might think.  this might be her greatest gift at this age.  i love her carefree nature, her love for life, her curiousity and her spirit.  we were walking through the parking lot at target the other day and she broke out in some of her spontaneous karate moves and i thought "i wish i could do that" - you know, just let it all go, kick and punch, jump and spin, all without reason or purpose; but simply just because i felt like it...and without caring what anyone else would think.

i'm not sure when that changes.  when she will start caring what others think...she already does about some things and when those moments happen i get a little sad because it's like watching pieces of her slip away .  see, with each reigned in movement, with each moment of conscious embarrassment, with each display of self-controled inhibition she is growing up; becoming the person she thinks others want her to be rather than the little spirit-filled child God created her to be.  i think that's the fine line...the tightrope we all walk on...how to be who we were designed to be while fitting in with the rest of the world.

there was a moment about a year and a half ago that shook me pretty hard...it was brought to my attention by someone who had become very important in my life that i am too...much.  i was told that i get too loud, that i get too excited, that i talk too much and needed to figure out how to "reign it in".  she said that this (my behavior) had actually been discussed and that if i felt like i was getting out of control (really?) that i should look to her for a signal and she would remind me to "box it all in" so as to not make a fool out of myself.  i remember this conversation clearly...i was gulping wine down trying desperately not to cry, yet saying that my spirit and enthusiasm is what people had always loved about me...that those things were huge parts of who i am.  she tried to gently tell me that while those were admirable qualities, they didn't fit in adult life and i should find other ways to function in social situations.  it was perhaps one of the most painful conversations i had ever had...to have someone tell me that everything i am, everything others had always said they loved about me, was...wrong...and it just about broke me.  i left in that moment changed...guarded...careful not to overdo in any way in front of her again.  and, what was worse, i wondered if that was how everyone saw me.  the words she said in those moments still haunt me, still make me wonder if that part of me is partially to blame for the break-up...still make me wonder if i never truly fit, because that was what i took from everything that night.

when we were walking through the target parking lot, i thought of that conversation and i watched my little girl...and i silently prayed that no one will ever try to break her spirit, or tell her she is too much...that she will always believe in herself and never let anyone make her feel bad about who she is or what makes her so special.