a few words

i read these words on facebook this morning...they could be mine, they aren't but they could be...everything i feel in this moment, have felt for what feels like forever summed up in these few words.  

charlotte jane

we waited anxiously for you.
paced the hall, peeked through the little window over and over again watching for signs that you were coming.
our hearts were heavy...hopeful, yet cautious...we knew too much this time...had experienced the worst, yet were praying for the best.
you were following in some very important footsteps, yet we wanted nothing more than for you to be different.
we cried when we heard..."we will run more tests, but everything appears to be okay".
we stood at the same window...watched in silence as they held you up...memories of before still etched in our minds.
breathless we walked into the room.
waiting impatiently to touch you, to hold you, to know for ourselves that you were truly okay.
i remember that moment so distinctly.  i was holding back tears, tears of joy and tears of relief.  i couldn't wait to meet you, to see your little face...and the moment i did, i loved you.
you are my sister's child, my only niece.  carter's little sister.  morgan's cousin.
in you i saw everything that had been missing, everything we all had hoped for with him, everything we didn't even know we needed.
four years ago today we were blessed with you.  four years ago today we fell in love again.  four years ago our lives were forever changed.
you were the best baby, and are the funniest, sweetest, most unique little girl!  there was no way to know at that point how much you would change and heal us, but you did.
so, happy birthday, charlotte jane, may you someday know just how special you are; how very much you were wanted, how very much you are loved!

one proud mommy

i saw her face, watched her simply beam with pride...she could hardly contain herself, bouncing up and down, clasping her little pink gloved hands as her teacher kneeled in front of her giving her what was evidently good news...

tonight was test night - the night at the end of the six-week session where the teachers/coaches evaluate each skater and determine if they are ready to move up to the next level.  i watched her perform each of her skills and paid attention when her teacher and the program director took note of her skills, pointing and talking behind clipboards so as to not let her know they were watching her.  she could hardly contain herself when she was given her evaluation - glancing often in my direction, grinning from ear to ear - and then she raced off the ice to tell me that not only had she passed them all, every skill she needed to know for level five (the level i wasn't even sure she was ready for when the session began six weeks ago), but also every skill for level six!  she was going straight to seven and couldn't have been happier!  as her teacher came off the ice she walked straight over to me...pointing out over and over again how "naturally" talented morgan is; how quickly she picks up the skills and how much promise she shows.  she said that two other coaches had asked about her and before we left i was approached by both - a coach we have had previously and the program director.  they used the words "talented" and "natural" and...the scariest of all..."national" - as in, we believe she has "national potential".  i say scariest because while i am beyond proud, beyond ecstatic, and extremely flattered as her mom...i am well aware of the commitment that entails - for both of us. 

i heard similar words this time last year...and we kind of played it off, taking a few private lessons to put together a routine for the winter program but going no further.  her coach at that time made it clear that she was good...and because i swear up and down that i'm not THAT kind of mom, i kind of brushed it off believing that while she seemed to be good at skating i wasn't going to push it; but rather, let it be something she simply enjoys unless she really wants to make more of it. 

truth is, i'm not sure how to handle it...it IS a little scary.  this is one of those times i wish i had someone...someone i could talk about this with...someone with whom i could share how proud of her i am...and someone i could talk over the options with...someone who would help me weigh out the right decision...and someone to watch her learn and be proud with me. 

so, tonight i am proud.  tonight i feel extremely blessed.  tonight i also feel...a smidge lonely.  not sad, but just lonely.  you know, for the afore mentioned "someone".  but, proud and blessed take the cake so that's what we're gonna focus on!  

running: the power or ability to run

 i have looked at the Couch to 5k running program many times, printed it off and carried it around even, but never actually did anything with it. but, today was different. i made a decision to do more than that...to not only read it, but to get on the treadmill and follow it. i'm good at following directions. i'm a creature of habit, and i like structure and predictibility. so, i figured a plan that is so perfectly designed to make a runner out of anyone could just maybe make a runner out of me. see, i've never ran, never been a runner, never been defined as anything close to a runner.

i've always said i thought running was dumb, but secretly i watch runners and am jealous and a bit in awe. i am amazed at what their bodies will do, how their legs will carry them for such long distances...i think i always assumed they possessed something i didn't - chalked up my assumed inability to run to my obvious lack of athletic prowess. but, i've been told time and again that anyone can run, anyone can be a runner - all you have to do is put one foot in front of the other, right? i'm not certain it's really that simple, but for many reasons i'm giving it a try.

so, today i set a goal (another thing i tend not to do) - to complete the Couch to 5k program and to find and run my first 5k. i put on my tennis shoes and morgan and i went to our complex's gym for 25 minutes of what i was pretty sure i would hate. well, guess what? i didn't hate it! i actually really liked it! i loved that during each running segment i wasn't completely wiped out like i thought i would be and felt stronger with each step because i knew i was doing something good for me - both physically and mentally. i'm actually excited about wednesday when i will step back on the treadmill again - words you can be sure i never thought i'd be saying!
 

just move

i love that she isn't afraid to just move...random dancing, spontaneous karate moves, jumping up and down for no reason, spinning - lots and lots of spinning...arms flailing, legs kicking, hair flying movements; almost all the time.  she is seven.  every bit of her is seven, but mostly her ability to do things without wondering, or caring, what anyone else might think.  this might be her greatest gift at this age.  i love her carefree nature, her love for life, her curiousity and her spirit.  we were walking through the parking lot at target the other day and she broke out in some of her spontaneous karate moves and i thought "i wish i could do that" - you know, just let it all go, kick and punch, jump and spin, all without reason or purpose; but simply just because i felt like it...and without caring what anyone else would think.

i'm not sure when that changes.  when she will start caring what others think...she already does about some things and when those moments happen i get a little sad because it's like watching pieces of her slip away .  see, with each reigned in movement, with each moment of conscious embarrassment, with each display of self-controled inhibition she is growing up; becoming the person she thinks others want her to be rather than the little spirit-filled child God created her to be.  i think that's the fine line...the tightrope we all walk on...how to be who we were designed to be while fitting in with the rest of the world.

there was a moment about a year and a half ago that shook me pretty hard...it was brought to my attention by someone who had become very important in my life that i am too...much.  i was told that i get too loud, that i get too excited, that i talk too much and needed to figure out how to "reign it in".  she said that this (my behavior) had actually been discussed and that if i felt like i was getting out of control (really?) that i should look to her for a signal and she would remind me to "box it all in" so as to not make a fool out of myself.  i remember this conversation clearly...i was gulping wine down trying desperately not to cry, yet saying that my spirit and enthusiasm is what people had always loved about me...that those things were huge parts of who i am.  she tried to gently tell me that while those were admirable qualities, they didn't fit in adult life and i should find other ways to function in social situations.  it was perhaps one of the most painful conversations i had ever had...to have someone tell me that everything i am, everything others had always said they loved about me, was...wrong...and it just about broke me.  i left in that moment changed...guarded...careful not to overdo in any way in front of her again.  and, what was worse, i wondered if that was how everyone saw me.  the words she said in those moments still haunt me, still make me wonder if that part of me is partially to blame for the break-up...still make me wonder if i never truly fit, because that was what i took from everything that night.

when we were walking through the target parking lot, i thought of that conversation and i watched my little girl...and i silently prayed that no one will ever try to break her spirit, or tell her she is too much...that she will always believe in herself and never let anyone make her feel bad about who she is or what makes her so special.

today.

i read a lot.  i am inspired by the words of others, exposed to and provoked by thoughts sometimes different from my own; yet often very similar to mine if i were to actually put them onto paper.  here are a few passages i've come across lately...all of which have spoken to me and made me think just a bit more...each one simple enough:

"you make your mark inside yourself.  i think we're meant to use every single thing we're given.  i want to act on every impulse."

"you have to start with yourself.  you have to let yourself know you're here.  take things in.  let things happen.  everything."

"the truth is, endings and beginnings are one and the same.  the question remains:  what new beginnings are waiting to be pursued?"

"finish each day and be done with it.  you have done what you could.  some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

here's what i think:  we have one life.  a limited number of days.  we waste many of them for sure.  maybe what we should do is open our eyes to every single thing that surrounds us...don't close our eyes in fear when it gets too hard, don't shield them from the brightness when it's too much to bear...instead, look...see and feel everything you can...be open to every possibility and new beginning and figure out how to make peace with the endings.  touch, smell, taste, listen...be quick to give, slower to take...step back from yourself...but only far enough to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. 

this life...i want all of it.  every. single. bit. of. it.  i want to do small things with great love and i want to hear and feel and touch on many levels.  so, my goal is to "begin (tomorrow) well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with (my) old nonsense"!   

dancing queen

i forgot how much i love dancing!  i haven't been dancing with the girls in forever...i maybe made up for that last night!  here's the thing...i am a white girl, i dance like a white girl...and typically i'm fairly shy about it, but get a couple drinks in me and i not only think everything is super funny, but i also stop caring about what anyone thinks and actually let myself go.  this is something i haven't allowed myself to do for a long time and it was due to say the least.  one more thing i can say friends are good for - reminding you of just how much fun you can have!  so, i was a dancing queen - at least in my little world for a few hours last night - and it was fantastic!