today i am not much different. i can feel the pressure in my chest as i think back to those moments, aching still for words i wish more than anything i had said yet reminding myself of the little things i want very much to remember.
we are guaranteed nothing. each moment is granted us with a hope that we won't waste it on our own human selfishness. yet, more often than not, that's exactly what we do.
one week ago i sat here full of questions, wondering what one small thing in my life could possibly amount to...fearing its magnitude and giving thought to many what if's in my mind. ultimately the prognosis was good, best outcome possible...and the what if's turned into now what's and i was left wondering about the future - both immediate and a bit further down the road.
tonight as i sit here, the one constant phrase of her's that keeps playing over and over in my mind is, "take care of each other"...she said this to my sisters and i many times throughout our lives, but i know she meant for us to use those words as a guidepost in all of our relationships, with everyone we meet. one of my greatest gifts, and often for my own personal detriment, one of my greatest flaws, is my capacity to love...to care...to be...too much. it's like i have no filter, no floodgate, no barameter that tells me when to stop. i think i've mentioned that i see most things as gray...not black and white. i have very few things that are set in stone for me and am able to see all sides in most situations. my mom always told me i was very sensitive as a child, that i seemed to take others in...absorbing their pain as my own...i do that still today. i think that's part of why i love people-watching so much, why i'm so drawn to the stories of others. with this comes great empathy, which i suppose is the only real positive.
so...with all of this, comes my need to look forward. i was told the other day that i still don't know what i want for me life, that i am still as lost as i was a few years ago, that i am going to spend my life looking for the meaning...for my purpose. but they were wrong. i know why i'm here, what i'm doing, what my purpose is. those things evolve for sure, but at the core they are the same as they've been my entire life. i've known since fourth grade that i was a writer, that i wanted more than anything to write and tell my stories...it's just taken me a while to get back to it and then build up the confidence to actually go for it. i know that i love people, that i am meant to tell their stories somehow. i want to see the world and experience all sorts of things and then know the comfort of returning home. i want to guide my daughter and show her what it means to love and to live and to follow her heart even when it's scary. i want to make a difference. even if it's just to one person. and, that's just the start of what i know, what i want, who i am.
but, tonight...tonight i'm stuck on a tiny round footstool that i sat on most of my childhood...at her feet, watching her breathe and looking into her eyes...torn between wishing she would be able to go, that He would take her home as she so badly wanted...and wanting to keep her here with us just a little longer.
one week ago i sat here full of questions, wondering what one small thing in my life could possibly amount to...fearing its magnitude and giving thought to many what if's in my mind. ultimately the prognosis was good, best outcome possible...and the what if's turned into now what's and i was left wondering about the future - both immediate and a bit further down the road.
tonight as i sit here, the one constant phrase of her's that keeps playing over and over in my mind is, "take care of each other"...she said this to my sisters and i many times throughout our lives, but i know she meant for us to use those words as a guidepost in all of our relationships, with everyone we meet. one of my greatest gifts, and often for my own personal detriment, one of my greatest flaws, is my capacity to love...to care...to be...too much. it's like i have no filter, no floodgate, no barameter that tells me when to stop. i think i've mentioned that i see most things as gray...not black and white. i have very few things that are set in stone for me and am able to see all sides in most situations. my mom always told me i was very sensitive as a child, that i seemed to take others in...absorbing their pain as my own...i do that still today. i think that's part of why i love people-watching so much, why i'm so drawn to the stories of others. with this comes great empathy, which i suppose is the only real positive.
so...with all of this, comes my need to look forward. i was told the other day that i still don't know what i want for me life, that i am still as lost as i was a few years ago, that i am going to spend my life looking for the meaning...for my purpose. but they were wrong. i know why i'm here, what i'm doing, what my purpose is. those things evolve for sure, but at the core they are the same as they've been my entire life. i've known since fourth grade that i was a writer, that i wanted more than anything to write and tell my stories...it's just taken me a while to get back to it and then build up the confidence to actually go for it. i know that i love people, that i am meant to tell their stories somehow. i want to see the world and experience all sorts of things and then know the comfort of returning home. i want to guide my daughter and show her what it means to love and to live and to follow her heart even when it's scary. i want to make a difference. even if it's just to one person. and, that's just the start of what i know, what i want, who i am.
but, tonight...tonight i'm stuck on a tiny round footstool that i sat on most of my childhood...at her feet, watching her breathe and looking into her eyes...torn between wishing she would be able to go, that He would take her home as she so badly wanted...and wanting to keep her here with us just a little longer.
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