what causes us to have a connection with someone? be it a physical or emotional one; i find that those connections happen almost instantly with some people and may never happen with others. it's been said that i can talk to anyone, that i am easy to open up to...strangers tell me their life stories, sometimes sharing details so intimate that when the conversation ends and we part ways i feel like i've known them my entire life. yet, there are times with people i should be able to connect with...people who i've grown close to over time, that those intimate moments and conversations never come. i tend to internalize those things, tend to assume it's something wrong with me because "everyone can talk to me"...but, the reality is, sometimes a deep connection just isn't possible...mostly because of where one or both of us is at that point in our lives. just one more example of the immense damage created by our pasts, and the weight of scars we try so very hard to keep hidden from even those we are close to. frustrating for sure, beyond simple explanation and without reason or justification to those who haven't lived true heartbreak...but, for those of us who have, understandable.
on the rare occasion that we make a connection with someone, it comes at us with such force we are almost always taken by surprise. it's a look, a touch, a word, a smile...often so small, so simple we don't even realize it in the moment; but we are changed by it none the less. i honestly don't know why we are able to make these connections with some and not with others...i mean, i get the physical part of it - either we are or we aren't attracted to someone, that's simple enough. but, the emotional part is harder to rationalize, more difficult to wrap my brain around. i know enough to see that i'm stimulated by different things, that even something so simple as a person's voice is a turn on or a turn off; but i still can't believe that there isn't more to it than genetics...which goes back to my hard and fast belief that everything happens when it's meant to, that we meet the people we're supposed to meet when we're supposed to meet them; and, perhaps most importantly, no matter what our connection to them, we only get them for a certain amount of time. i think we each serve some purpose in each other's lives; that we enter relationships based on when we need something specific that only that person can give us (and vice versa). the really difficult part of all of this is recognizing what we have to give (and what we ultimately need from) those in our lives and to then find a way to let go if we must. life is just that - a constant give and take marked most by compromise and a search for middle ground...and hopefully few disappointments when it's all said and done.
honestly, i wish i could connect with everyone...wish i could give constantly, that my heart was always full enough, my self-worth high enough; that i never needed anything from others. but, i'm fairly certain that's not possible. a friend of mine once said that a group of friends works like this: we are all in a circle and at any given time, one of us is in the center - surrounded by the others because in that moment she is the one who needs the most and throughout our lives we each take turns sitting in that center spot depending on who's needs are greatest at that moment. i kinda love that analogy...it gives me strength just picturing my friends as we surround each other in our moments of weakness. maybe the best lesson i've learned over time is that i can't force a connection...either it's there or it isn't and that's okay...hard to accept sometimes, but okay none the less.
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