9:43 a.m....

you were anything but normal from the very beginning...a pregancy that was never supposed to be to a mom who was never supposed to have children.  too hard on her body, her heart would never be able to handle it...all words we had always heard.  so, we worried about her...constantly...fearful that she wouldn't make it....never imagining that you could be anything but whole...anything but perfect. 

they chose to induce her...you never wanted to come out, breech early on and then face up for 27 hours, several of which she pushed through...the drugs did no good...the pain was unbearable even for her...someone who had endured more in her 26 years than most do in a lifetime.  she finally gave up, asked for help when she knew she could do no more. 

there are moments we can't escape from no matter how hard we try to turn the clock back or hit the fast-forward button...we are frozen in time, yet changed instantly...9:43 a.m. on march 9, 2006 was one of those moments.  eyes wide, the color of chocolate...an old soul many said...you took it all in...took us all in...looking back now, it's easy to see you were absorbing everything you could in the short amount of time you were given. 

you would be six.  much has happened in those six years...some incredible, some less so.  you were a blessing, even when it was all over and we were left reeling with pain, questions, and guilt...you were such a gift and there isn't a day any of us have forgotten you.  

  

entwined in life...

i love knowing that every moment is consequential, that every conversation has the possibility to hold meaning - even if i may not know it at the time.  i love looking back and seeing how something i thought nothing of at the time affected me profoundly.  mostly, i love that we are all entwined in life...that, while sometimes scary if we really think about the true impact of it, we are all connected - our lives are not just ours, our choices don't just impact us, we aren't alone, and if we are truly honest...most of the time our paths look similar if we look just beneath the surface.

the truth is, none of us is special...no one exempt from emotion, safe from pain or resistent to pleasure.  we each have thresholds for sure, walls built brick by brick from each disappointment, each loss...but, we each also have huge capacities to love - sometimes more than we even realize.  we choose to allow ourselves to feel, to experience, to love...choose to let our guard down, to let others in.  sometimes that's the hardest part because it means we are letting go of something that maybe we are hiding behind out of fear or protection.  it's easier to hold back, easier to withold love because we know that once we open ourselves up to it we are also opening ourselves up to the possibility of getting hurt.  and, this applies to every relationship...not just the obvious intimate ones...but in families, friendships, and even with our children.

i woke up early today...thankful for many things, but especially for the people in my life.  my gran taught me to treasure those i hold dear, to remind them of their value, and to never take them for granted.  she gave me the gift of absolute love and acceptance, never expecting anything in return and always making sure anyone in her life knew right where they stood with her.

i think sometimes we don't even realize the immense impact we have on others...that words we say with very simple intent may leave a lasting imprint on whoever they are spoken to.  a few days ago i got this text:  "sometimes i just want to give you a hug to remind you that you're not alone"...simple words, spoken of a simple gesture that said absolutely everything i needed to hear from him in that moment.  the lasting impact of that moment will be felt for a long time.

so, yes, i love knowing that each moment is consequential...that it has the potential to be something amazing...that through those moments our lives are wrapped around each other and because of that, we are never truly alone.  

3.5.2012...

the dog ate my glasses last week.  ate. them.  new ones are ordered and will (fingers crossed) be in by the end of this week.  in case you're wondering, the dog is still alive and no i didn't flip out completely...i maybe cried a little instead of totally losing it and then finished getting ready for work.   

i keep checking cookbooks out at the library and shamelessly reading them, pouring over amazing pictures and recipes i'm fairly certain i could master if i actually tried.  i'm most drawn to anything passing for breakfast or brunch...but, then i close them and set them aside...reminding myself of two things...one, i don't really cook; and two, i hate cooking for just m and i.  maybe i will try one recipe...it's a start, right?

morgan asked me yesterday to help her "sew" a dress for lanie - her american girl doll.  coming from a long line of seamstresses, i'm embarrassed to admit that i don't (can't, haven't really ever tried) sew.  BUT, morgan had a little faith in me and we did it!  it's not pretty, nor does it stand a chance of withstanding more than VERY gentle care (mostly because i'm fairly certain the seams would tear or fall out)...but, she believed i could do it and i wanted nothing less than to let her down...so, we did it!  complete with a button and everything!

i realized the other night that when she sleeps, morgan looks like she did when she was little...her long fingers move in the same ways, stretching and reaching - for what i'm not sure...her thick eyelashes rest on little puffy cheeks and her tiny pink lips still look like a rose...in those moments, i almost forget that she's eight...am suddenly taken back to moments in the middle of the night when the rest of the world was sleeping and it was just she and i getting know each other.  lord, i miss those moments sometimes...don't get me wrong, i love her now, love the conversations we get to have, love watching her learn, love seeing her grow into the little person she is today...but, there are things about them when they're little that can't be replaced and when i see her sleeping, and am hit with the harsh reality that time is passing us by faster than i wish...i get a little sad and long for her to fit in my arms again.

i unfriended him...a week ago.  and then got a text today acknowledging that we were no longer "friends" and wishing me the best.  i could tell from the undertone he was not only surprised by this, but also less than happy.  i haven't responded.  there's nothing to say.  it feels good to let go, to no longer need him or, better yet, to no longer want him to be a part of our lives in any way.  perhaps my only response would be "you made the choice to remove us from your life...i'm simply finishing it for us"...but, that's not me so i will leave it alone....thankful for the honest peace i finally feel about it.

it's almost carter's birthday...he would have been six. 

hope.  this word has been at the front of my mind, weighing on my heart.  why?  honestly, i'm not entirely sure.  there is a scripture that says we are patient for what we hope for....that we will wait patiently for whatever it is we hope for.  interestingly true once i really thought about it.  i'm not very patient as a general rule...anxious and somewhat controling (as someone dear to me recently pointed out...i need to relax and just be, stop trying to control everything so much) assuming that if i stay in control i somehow won't be caught off guard or hurt....right, well, we all know that doesn't really work.  but, i realized that i am patient for that which i hope for...things i still believe i have a shot at...patient with people i hope to build relationships with...quick to offer forgiveness and generosity in these situations, with these people.  what i'm wondering is...should we be so quick to offer patience for things we only hang hope on?  would our patience be better spent on the life, the people, we already have surrounding us?  i don't know.  i'm all for the idea of hope, all for the idea of having something to wish for...but, what about the reality we already have...would it be better to focus more on that?  again, i'm not sure...just something i've thought about lately.

there they are...random monday thoughts...nothing special...nothing important, just life.  someone asked me if i'd ever thought of blogging something everyday...i've thought about it, but never done it.  for two reasons.  one, i don't always have something i either want to share, or think is worth putting into words.  and, two, i don't think anyone would really want to read something i wrote that often.  but, since i was asked...i'm thinking about it.  thoughts?

two for two...

there are days that literally make me shake my head...knock me off my feet...make me question absolutely everything about my life, about the people i have chosen to share my life with...today was one of those days.  today i was two for two.  the ex-amazing boyfriend and the most recent man of the hour (you know, the oh so great guy i met a few months ago who so graciously fell all over himself trying to help me when i did a number to my hand falling out of the carriage on the plaza?  yeah, him.) both informed me that they have girlfriends...you heard me right, not just something casual that you don't bother mentionioning to the girl who meant something to you...nope, a legit, honest to God, girlfriend. 

now, these are two totally separate instances with totally separate emotions attached but my learning of their existence happened within the same 12 hour time period.  right.  again, these things only happen to me.  the ex-amazing bf wasn't really a shock.  i mean, come on, it's been over seven months...it was bound to happen...but, to actually read the words "i don't want you to run into my girlfriend" (don't judge, there was nothing going on, i was simply trying to return an autographed cd of his favorite band) first thing this morning was a bit tough to take.  que minor pity party complete with tears...honestly, i can't tell you how i expected to feel only how i DID feel in that moment...and, as much as i would like to say it didn't hurt, it did.  i was replaceable...as we all are...and, take into consideration that i lived in his house...so, she sits where i sat...sleeps where i slept...drinks coffee from cups i drank out of...looks at art i helped pick out...walks in what was my daughter's bedroom...enjoys the yard i so loved and will see the roses that meant so much to me simply because i got to choose them.  she is in the life i loved...so, it's way more than just the fact she in now his girlfriend.

as for the most recent situation...well, he's not really mine to claim.  he made it clear he wasn't ready for anything serious, but as i tend to do, i fell for him anyway...yep, that's me, the girl who finds the one emotionally unavailable man and thinks he's the one for her.  it's been a constant roller coaster to say the least.  he was dealt a tough hand last year and that's putting it modestly...but, of course, as fate would have it...we met anyway.  and, being the overly empathetic one, the girl who can save anyone, always drawn to someone who just isn't ready no matter how badly i want them to be...i fell for him, completely and honestly fell for him...certain that if i cared enough, if i tried hard enough, gave enough, was patient enough, he would realize that he wanted it too.  seriously?  does that ever work out?  not in my book and since that's the only one directly affecting me, i should seriously reconsider my criteria.  do i regret it?  no...do i wish things were different?  yes, most definitely.  but, it is what it is.  and what hurts the most is the fact he said he wasn't ready for something serious...wasn't there yet...that he knew he was missing out on something great by not being ready, but that it was what it was and he couldn't force himself to be ready.  right, well, turns out he was ready...for something, or someone...just not me.  cue feelings of inadequacy. 

see, i struggle constantly with not being enough...if i'd been enough, my ex-husband wouldn't have done what he did...if i'd been enough, the ex-amazing bf would have kept me instead of so easily discarding me...if i'd been enough, the new guy (i kinda hate that i don't even have a proper title for him, but since i don't tend to discuss my dating life on here, there isn't an apporpriate title for him at this point) would have wanted me...instead of her.  ok, i'm guessing many of you are shaking your head and thinking that i need to just see the situations for what they were - rather than turning the blame inward and focusing on what i assume is wrong with me to make them want something other than me.  but, that's how i'm made and no one has been able to change that about me yet.  prove me wrong, i dare ya.

to me, it's hard...it's personal...and, it hurts.  i don't like starting over, no matter how much fun the beginning of a relationship is.  i long for the moment when i feel comfortable with someone...when i can curl up next to them on the couch and simply read while they're watching tv or napping.  i want to feel so connected to someone that when we're walking our hands instinctively find their way to eachother.  or, when we lay down, our bodies simply know how to fit together because it feels natural.  i want someone to realize when i'm stressed, when my shoulders are so tense i can hardly stand it, and reach out to rub them without me having to ask.  i want someone to be crazy excited to see me at the end of the day, yet not need to do anything other than simply BE with me because those moments are what center both of us.  i want someone to bring me flowers for no reason, and to remember my favorite restaurants when i mention them.  i want to finish eachother's sentences and share inside jokes.  i wanna look in his eyes and know that when he is looking back at me, he sees everything he has ever wanted.  i want the fairy tale...our fairy tale...the one WE write. 
     

a "real" valentine...

"mom, will i get a valentine tomorrow?"

"of course.  your friends will all make them for you, like you did for them."

"no.  you know, like a real valentine...?"

OHHHHH!!!!  right.  a real valentine. 

"well, honey, is there someone you are hoping to get a valentine from?"

she got all shy and girly, saying "oh.  no, not really.  well, maybe."

"are you gonna tell me who?"

"his name starts with an 'M'..."

and, this is where it begins...

she made him a special valentine, hoping to slip it into his backpack rather than give it to him openly.  she wrote honestly, yet simply; telling him that she "likes him a little".  i told her it was perfect. 

do we always hope for a special valentine?  do we ever stop wanting to be someone's valentine?  for one day, everyone wants to mean something to someone...to hear words that mean so much, even if it's only "i like you a little".  it's funny.  i know there are plenty of people who don't like valentine's day; who think it's silly to do so much for someone you love on one very commercialized day rather than all throughout the year...but, then i think "why not?"  i'll admit i'm a bit of a closet hopeless romantic who secretly loves everything about the day...even though i sometimes play all tough and pretend to not care one way or another about it.  i love all the pink, the hearts, the ridiculous anticipation, the sappy cards, the overpriced flowers, the chocolate...the love.  and, if you're so lucky as to have someone special in your life, why wouldn't you want to take every opportunity possible to remind them of how very much they mean to you?  oh, i know...too many perceived implications may come from your gestures.  so, take the time to do or say whatever is on your heart that won't confuse them.  it's really not that hard...especially if my eight year old can do it...simple words coming from an open heart with honest effort mean the most. 

and, to the little boy who will get a surprise in his backpack tomorrow...you are one very lucky guy...she's a pretty amazing little girl and she chose you.

   

2.11.2012....

i can't remember the last time all five of us sat at that kitchen table...i tried hard to remember, but couldn't.  i was at most 15, but no matter how hard i tried i couldn't find a memory that fit.  the only difference was my eight year old...sitting between her grammie and papa...i simply sat back and watched...for the most part the conversation flowed well - something i was very thankful for - yet, it was oddly...unsettling.  in those few moments, my mind raced...i imagined what our family would be like if it were "complete" now...how it would feel to sit around a table, eating dinner as a family...not because we had come together to mourn a friend, but simply because that's what families do.  then i thought of my daughter and was better able to empathize with her...because no matter how well her father and i get along, no matter what new families we create for her, she won't have that very simple thing i found myself longing for in that moment.  while i've never honestly cared that my parents are divorced, i have found myself missing some feeling of "completeness" in regards to our family. perhaps it's because neither of my parents remarried, perhaps it's because i hate that my child doesn't have typical grandparents like i was so very blessed with, perhaps it's still a child-like desire to come "home" to my parents rather than to separate homes that now neither fit quite right...most likely it's a combination of all of that and other emotions i choose not to focus on at this point in my life. 

we spent the evening as a family...dinner, walking through the visitation line, chatting with people who still refer to my sisters and i as "the girls", and then...sharing gran's chocolate pie.  monday it will be a year, and i miss her more now than i did then...so, last night as we sat around and talked about her, about the last time she had cooked, what she would have thought about different things, noticing similarities we each try to find between she and us...i found myself holding back tears. 

those couple hours held way more emotion than i imagined they would.  i never expected to feel the things i did, and wasn't quite sure what to do with it all.  so, i chose to let it be...because i'm finding that sometimes that's what i have to do...no matter how hard i would like to ignore the emotions, or rush through them to something better, they will follow me until i face them.  and, it's funny how much you learn about yourself, and others, when you take the time to do just that. 

your "thing" is writing...

i was talking to a friend the other night...someone i grew up with, but hadn't really spent any time with since high school.  our lives do not intersect in any way other than on facebook (which, for many of us, that is the ONLY way we interract too and for that simple fact alone i am grateful for the life-sucking force that is facebook).  anyway, we were at a friend's birthday party the other night and somehow the subject of "things"...as in "what's your thing?" or "my thing is..." like a hobby or a skill, came up.  i said something to the effect of "i don't have a thing...nothing i am really good at" and he simply said, "your thing is writing".  that was it.  i looked him in the eye and asked, "you read that?"  i guess i just couldn't imagine why he would either look for my blog or bother reading it.  but, he clearly had.  it was a simple enough conversation, but one that stuck with me.  a defining moment of sorts i suppose.  so, i've been thinking about that all week...the idea of being seen as a writer, not that at this point i truly think anyone sees me legitimately as such because i don't really see this as the same as having something published but it definitely made me think.