sometimes i think about my life; namely about the things that upset me, the things that stress me out or make me anxious...and i'm honestly ashamed. how do i get so wrapped up in stupid things that i can't see past myself to be of any good for anyone? in her book "eat, pray, love", elizabeth gilbert wrote:
"happiness is the consequence of personal effort. you fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. you have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings."
"clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. you cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people."
i've gotta get the hell out of my own way! i mean, seriously. i waste a ton of time on stupid crap. i worry mercilessly on things that either i can't change or won't actually do anything about - so, why bother? i stress out over nothing, let others have way too much control over my emotions, and take myself (and everyone else) too seriously. i need to chill out! but, for someone like me...someone who actually uses the word "intense" to describe myself (probably not a compliment to most people)...how do i do that? how do i just relax and let life...be?
my goal right now is to figure this out...to take a step back from myself and focus on others while also finding my drive, my motivation. is it possible? well, one can hope. i have this looming sense that life is passing me by, that i'm wasting so much - time mostly, but with that comes the fear that i'm missing something, missing out on something. is there supposed to be more? sure i wonder "what if?" about different things...mostly what if i'd stayed at MU and followed my heart and actually persued journalism...that's really the only regret i have and at this point i can't change it so i just wonder if there isn't another avenue for me that i haven't found yet, you know?
i love my life! i am blessed beyond what i could ever deserve. i try very hard to see the little things in life and take time to not only enjoy them, but to be thankful for them. i don't think i take too much for granted, yet i don't try very hard to do better so i think that kind of cancels out the not taking too much for granted part. ugh. if you could see me right now, you would see me rolling my eyes and shaking my head because to actually type these thoughts and read them makes them sound even worse than they seem in the safe confines of my head.
at church i heard that we should change our "what if's?" into "oh well's"...to stop wondering what could have been or how it could be different or what more could i have done and simply think "oh well...i tried. i did what i could and i had this experience, no matter how it ended." again with the shaking head. it's really good in theory...so good i actually wrote it down so i wouldn't forget it, but the "fixer" in me has a really hard time letting go so i'm not sure if i can actually put this into practice...but i would like to try. stop seeing each experience that ended differently than i would have liked as a failure, but rather as just what it was - an experience, something that brought me to where i am today...made me stronger, taught me more about myself, and gave me better understanding of life. it's worth a shot.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
1.23.2012...
does life just happen? or are we on some predetermined path? or maybe a combination of the two? or do we find ourselves on some sort of "road" and with each choice, each decision, we come to a fork in the road with each direction leading to a different "destination"...giving us the feeling that we have the ultimate choice, but in all reality both directions are already laid out before us it is just up to us to choose where we will end up? honestly, i don't have the answer. i am a spiritual person. i believe strongly in God and in His divine presence within my life. but, i often wonder how or why things happen...like, how do we just end up with the life we have? we were born in a specific place, into a very specific family, with certain traits and talents...we each come with strengths and weaknesses, abilities and disabilities, gifts, opportunities, and all too often; really harsh realities that push us behind others from the very beginning. why does this happen? why is one person born into a wealthy family, destined for greatness from birth, given great health, an amazing appearance, and even a flawless personality...while others are born seemingly into a constant struggle...into a life of grief and despair where their only prayer is to make it through one more day?
i believe in a lot of gray area...that few things are black and white....that it just isn't that simple. i think everything happens for some (and, yes, sometimes absolutely crappy at the time) reason...that we meet the people we're meant to meet when we're supposed to meet them...that we each serve some purpose in each other's lives...that few things are coincidence...that serendipity (a fortunate accident) is very real and often a gift in and of itself...i believe in truly seeing someone for who they are rather than who we'd like them to be...and then accepting them as such...i believe in miracles...and moments of absolute honesty...i believe in giving your best, even when you just don't have it in you to do so...and i believe in the healing power of love...raw, honest, open, full, complete love...it comes in many forms and so often we are afraid of it, but it's there anyway if we just open ourselves up to it.
i'm sure you're wondering where i'm going with all of this...truthfully, i don't know. there have been lots of things that have happened the past couple weeks; many i've wanted to write about but just haven't found the words...i think what i've taken from these events, what really matters when it's all said and done, is that it's the people who matter...the relationships we build...the friends we share our lives with...not the amount of money we have, or the type of home we live in, or the label on our clothes...it's the acceptance of those we surround ourselves with and the love we give them that matters the most. i am blessed with amazing friends and a family who may make me crazy from time to time, but who will always love me and will always be my place of refuge. none are perfect, but each contribute to making me whole and i hope that in some way i do the same for them. so, i guess i just wonder how i got so lucky? how did i land here...in this life, with these people? and, then, how do i not waste what i do have...not take any of it for granted, but rather; find ways to give back and use every bit of potential this little life of mine holds?
i believe in a lot of gray area...that few things are black and white....that it just isn't that simple. i think everything happens for some (and, yes, sometimes absolutely crappy at the time) reason...that we meet the people we're meant to meet when we're supposed to meet them...that we each serve some purpose in each other's lives...that few things are coincidence...that serendipity (a fortunate accident) is very real and often a gift in and of itself...i believe in truly seeing someone for who they are rather than who we'd like them to be...and then accepting them as such...i believe in miracles...and moments of absolute honesty...i believe in giving your best, even when you just don't have it in you to do so...and i believe in the healing power of love...raw, honest, open, full, complete love...it comes in many forms and so often we are afraid of it, but it's there anyway if we just open ourselves up to it.
i'm sure you're wondering where i'm going with all of this...truthfully, i don't know. there have been lots of things that have happened the past couple weeks; many i've wanted to write about but just haven't found the words...i think what i've taken from these events, what really matters when it's all said and done, is that it's the people who matter...the relationships we build...the friends we share our lives with...not the amount of money we have, or the type of home we live in, or the label on our clothes...it's the acceptance of those we surround ourselves with and the love we give them that matters the most. i am blessed with amazing friends and a family who may make me crazy from time to time, but who will always love me and will always be my place of refuge. none are perfect, but each contribute to making me whole and i hope that in some way i do the same for them. so, i guess i just wonder how i got so lucky? how did i land here...in this life, with these people? and, then, how do i not waste what i do have...not take any of it for granted, but rather; find ways to give back and use every bit of potential this little life of mine holds?
Friday, January 6, 2012
eight...
in the rush of the week, days have passed by without me even posting about morgan's birthday. funny. i can post about my niece and nephew's birthdays, but can't seem to find the time...or, honestly, the words to post about the birth of my own child. perhaps it's because it's too personal. or because we were apart for two weeks, then she came home literally the day before her birthday and we crammed christmas, her "big day", and the readjustment to school/normal life into a 24-hour time frame. a combination of the two is most likely to blame. anyway, here it is...a few days later and i'm still not sure what to say. i tried to start this post before and erased it because it wasn't what i wanted it to be. i toyed with the idea of a "dear eight year old morgan" theme then stepped away from that. i listed off memories and words that, to me, are everything about her...still i hit the delete button. truth is...there is just no way to sum up what this child means to me...what her birthday means to me...how with each year i'm reminded of that very cold and icy early morning when my life was changed upon seeing her little face for the first time.
i was asked repeatedly if having her gone on christmas was hard...and my answer was always the same...nowhere near as hard as if she were gone on her birthday. i can miss holidays, but not her birthday. that day means more to me than any other. on that day i was given my greatest gift, my biggest challenge, my toughest task, and my best reward. i don't deserve her, and i know she is only "mine" for a brief amount of time, an instant really. i still shake my head when i think of her as eight. i'm not entirely certain how we got here. yes, i know, eight is what comes after seven which came after six which came after...but, really, how have eight years passed already? i often wonder if i'm everything she needs me to be. if i'm up for the challenge? if God truly knew what He was doing when He shared her with me? i still find myself looking for the big binder, the instruction manual, the cliffs notes that will give me all the answers...give me the tools i need to be the best i can be for her and to handle everything that life throws at us. but, there is no book, no cheat sheet...there's just me...and an incredible little girl who trusts me with everything she has. often i find myself questioning my decisions and praying beyond measure that i don't screw her up.
morgan delaney...you are everything i dreamed of and more than i could have imagined. watching you grow up brings me more joy than you will ever know. you are funny and smart, ornery and sweet, curious and inquisitive, persistent and spirited. you are determined and long to please those you love. you want people to accept you and hate when i don't understand you. at eight you already are embarrassed by me, yet are rarely far from my grasp. you still want to cuddle on the couch and love to be close no matter where we are. you have a huge heart and compassion for others. you tell me often that you want to be a vet and your love for animals is unquestioned. ice skating and dancing are your two favorite things. you seem to find yourself on the ice and when i asked how you just know how to move like you do you simply say, "i feel it, mommy". it doesn't get any better than that. second grade has been good to you. you have another incredible teacher and i am thankful that the transition to your new school seemed to be a smooth one for you. you keep a few close friends, but are slow to let others in. you make people come to you...warming up slowly, taking them in, requiring that they build your trust. your eyes are still as bright as the sky and your smile continues to be contagious...your petite stature is endearing to me, yet frustrating to you. you are afraid you will be as small as me and it drives you crazy that your narrow feet slip out of all the "cool" shoes. i'm sorry about that. you are an amazing little girl and i am proud to be your mommy. eight years have gone by way too fast, and i have no doubt the next eight will go even faster. hold on to who you are. take in each moment, experience everything, be open to new things - something you and i aren't very good at it seems, again, i'm sorry - and don't be afraid to trust. you are a precious child of God and i know He is laying the most incredible path for you!
happy 8th birthday, my girl...
i was asked repeatedly if having her gone on christmas was hard...and my answer was always the same...nowhere near as hard as if she were gone on her birthday. i can miss holidays, but not her birthday. that day means more to me than any other. on that day i was given my greatest gift, my biggest challenge, my toughest task, and my best reward. i don't deserve her, and i know she is only "mine" for a brief amount of time, an instant really. i still shake my head when i think of her as eight. i'm not entirely certain how we got here. yes, i know, eight is what comes after seven which came after six which came after...but, really, how have eight years passed already? i often wonder if i'm everything she needs me to be. if i'm up for the challenge? if God truly knew what He was doing when He shared her with me? i still find myself looking for the big binder, the instruction manual, the cliffs notes that will give me all the answers...give me the tools i need to be the best i can be for her and to handle everything that life throws at us. but, there is no book, no cheat sheet...there's just me...and an incredible little girl who trusts me with everything she has. often i find myself questioning my decisions and praying beyond measure that i don't screw her up.
morgan delaney...you are everything i dreamed of and more than i could have imagined. watching you grow up brings me more joy than you will ever know. you are funny and smart, ornery and sweet, curious and inquisitive, persistent and spirited. you are determined and long to please those you love. you want people to accept you and hate when i don't understand you. at eight you already are embarrassed by me, yet are rarely far from my grasp. you still want to cuddle on the couch and love to be close no matter where we are. you have a huge heart and compassion for others. you tell me often that you want to be a vet and your love for animals is unquestioned. ice skating and dancing are your two favorite things. you seem to find yourself on the ice and when i asked how you just know how to move like you do you simply say, "i feel it, mommy". it doesn't get any better than that. second grade has been good to you. you have another incredible teacher and i am thankful that the transition to your new school seemed to be a smooth one for you. you keep a few close friends, but are slow to let others in. you make people come to you...warming up slowly, taking them in, requiring that they build your trust. your eyes are still as bright as the sky and your smile continues to be contagious...your petite stature is endearing to me, yet frustrating to you. you are afraid you will be as small as me and it drives you crazy that your narrow feet slip out of all the "cool" shoes. i'm sorry about that. you are an amazing little girl and i am proud to be your mommy. eight years have gone by way too fast, and i have no doubt the next eight will go even faster. hold on to who you are. take in each moment, experience everything, be open to new things - something you and i aren't very good at it seems, again, i'm sorry - and don't be afraid to trust. you are a precious child of God and i know He is laying the most incredible path for you!
happy 8th birthday, my girl...
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011...
i find this post hard to write...it's no secret this has been a tough year...for many it seems. i feel like i should at least acknowledge the events, but honestly don't see the point. i don't want to recap it all...it happened...i spent enough time on it all at the time...and now i just want to look forward. life happens. each time we think we have it all together, that life just can't get any better, we are hit with a curveball of reality. or, at least for me, that's how it seems to happen.
i don't make resolutions. never have. i refuse to set myself up for failure right off the bat. i find that the year always throws enough at me on its own without me just handing it something to work with. last year the only thing i promised myself i would do is live each day with pupose...i'm not certain i did that...unless you count simply surviving on many days as a "purpose". this year wasn't what i expected...things i was certain would happen did not, yet things i never would have anticipated have.
i learned a lot this year. some knowledge is hard-earned, but i think that's what makes it so valuable.
every loss, every gain is relative. some more significant than others for sure, but each monumental only to those experiencing them. it's how we handle the moment, what we learn, how we move through them that counts.
i remember wishing desperately for this year to get over. to either go back to 2010 or forward to 2012. well, forward it is! the first hour of 2012 was a good one...spent with friends, dancing, laughing, and having a great time! i am excited about the next 12 months! good-bye 2011...you won't be missed, but you will be remembered.
here's to 2012...may you be everything we need you to be...full of promise and hope. let us not forget the lessons of the past, but look to the future with anticipation, never to repeat the mistakes but to learn from them and gain wisdom and empathy, sharing in each other's joys and carrying each other's burdens. here's looking forward to stronger friendships, even more fantastic memories, and the incredible ride we call life!
happy new year everyone!
i don't make resolutions. never have. i refuse to set myself up for failure right off the bat. i find that the year always throws enough at me on its own without me just handing it something to work with. last year the only thing i promised myself i would do is live each day with pupose...i'm not certain i did that...unless you count simply surviving on many days as a "purpose". this year wasn't what i expected...things i was certain would happen did not, yet things i never would have anticipated have.
i learned a lot this year. some knowledge is hard-earned, but i think that's what makes it so valuable.
every loss, every gain is relative. some more significant than others for sure, but each monumental only to those experiencing them. it's how we handle the moment, what we learn, how we move through them that counts.
i remember wishing desperately for this year to get over. to either go back to 2010 or forward to 2012. well, forward it is! the first hour of 2012 was a good one...spent with friends, dancing, laughing, and having a great time! i am excited about the next 12 months! good-bye 2011...you won't be missed, but you will be remembered.
here's to 2012...may you be everything we need you to be...full of promise and hope. let us not forget the lessons of the past, but look to the future with anticipation, never to repeat the mistakes but to learn from them and gain wisdom and empathy, sharing in each other's joys and carrying each other's burdens. here's looking forward to stronger friendships, even more fantastic memories, and the incredible ride we call life!
happy new year everyone!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
christmas week
christmas came and went with little drama or excitement. m left for texas earlier in the week so i spent my first christmas ever without seeing her at all on the holiday. i did pretty well, considering. the drive to dad's on christmas eve (while listening to sappy christmas music, i might add) gave me lots of time to think and, ultimately, miss her. a phone call as i was driving into town was a much needed distraction so the lonliness passed without much damage.
the time with dad, my sisters, and their kiddos was as close to perfect as it could have been. it's funny, there we were...in the house we grew up in...each with our own stories, our own situations, and our own blessings...and it was like time hadn't passed. we each resumed our predetermined roles within our little family - three sisters, each dynamic and unique in our own ways yet well aware that our shared past is the tie that binds us in spite of our differences. we share so much, the three of us...yet, there are moments in time we simply can't share, burdens we can't bear for one another and that is hard to accept. but, in those moments we stepped back in time...teased and laughed, reminded of things that are only relevent this time of year...like how sarah hates anything having to do with peanut brittle so of course, becca and i each took great pleasure in eating the biggest pieces we could on either side of her! or, how sarah always thought her picture ornament should go front and center on the tree so becca all sneaky-like took it and hung it high on the kitchen cabinets just out of sarah's reach! little things, silly things, moments that remind us of where we came from; who we are when the drama of our real lives is stripped away. dad sat back at watched...i wonder if he saw us as we are now or as we were all those years ago. if he more often thinks of us as we are now or at whatever point in our lives was his favorite. we haven't had christmas at his house in years, and it was comforting in many ways to be there like that.
mom came down for the weekend...wanted to see us for christmas and make sure i wasn't too lonely with m gone. it was nice to have her here. we spent saturday afternoon together...ate lunch, did a little shopping...normal mom/daughter things...things we haven't done in years...literally. see, we lost her a few years ago...she got sick and retreated somewhere deep within herself. she closed herself off from all of us, and we lost the most precious of life's gifts...time. i don't blame her. she couldn't help it, and i get that...but, that didn't make it much easier to deal with. but, at thanksgiving, we saw her again...our mom, as we remember her...funny and warm with a genuine smile and light in her eyes. i don't think i realized it at the time, but in that moment i finally stopped holding my breath. i knew she was going to be okay...that i could let my guard down a little and allow myself to be the daughter again.
i've been thinking all week about what christmas meant to me this year...the focus isn't exactly where it should be...while i try, i'm a bit off track right now and probably have been for quite some time. i have struggled for a long time with figuring out where m and i are supposed to be church-wise which is what i use as my excuse. i know, i know, church isn't supposed to be what you get out of it...it's what you put into it...and that makes perfect sense, but i'm having a hard time committing to anything. it's all part of my struggle to be a "real" adult i think. no permanence, no real commitments, no one depending on me for anything...simply show up and take from the experience each week...well, that's not how it's designed to work and maybe that's my problem.
this christmas week has also been full of time with friends...a few i rarely see, but who mean the world to me. we laughed a lot, shed a couple tears, and were reminded of everything that's important. we see the future in our children...watching the next generation of "us" play together is incredible! it's cliche to say this, but it's hard to believe how much you miss someone without even realizing it...until you're in the same space with them for a couple hours. time goes too quickly and before you know it you're saying good-bye again for what you know will be months. so, those visits were a gift in and of themselves. no bows, no wrapping but definitely the most loved, most treasured.
i have spent time with people who matter to me...maybe that's what christmas was supposed to be about for me this year...holes filled in ways i never expected. little moments...each full of meaning, joy, love. i think maybe that's all that matters.
the time with dad, my sisters, and their kiddos was as close to perfect as it could have been. it's funny, there we were...in the house we grew up in...each with our own stories, our own situations, and our own blessings...and it was like time hadn't passed. we each resumed our predetermined roles within our little family - three sisters, each dynamic and unique in our own ways yet well aware that our shared past is the tie that binds us in spite of our differences. we share so much, the three of us...yet, there are moments in time we simply can't share, burdens we can't bear for one another and that is hard to accept. but, in those moments we stepped back in time...teased and laughed, reminded of things that are only relevent this time of year...like how sarah hates anything having to do with peanut brittle so of course, becca and i each took great pleasure in eating the biggest pieces we could on either side of her! or, how sarah always thought her picture ornament should go front and center on the tree so becca all sneaky-like took it and hung it high on the kitchen cabinets just out of sarah's reach! little things, silly things, moments that remind us of where we came from; who we are when the drama of our real lives is stripped away. dad sat back at watched...i wonder if he saw us as we are now or as we were all those years ago. if he more often thinks of us as we are now or at whatever point in our lives was his favorite. we haven't had christmas at his house in years, and it was comforting in many ways to be there like that.
mom came down for the weekend...wanted to see us for christmas and make sure i wasn't too lonely with m gone. it was nice to have her here. we spent saturday afternoon together...ate lunch, did a little shopping...normal mom/daughter things...things we haven't done in years...literally. see, we lost her a few years ago...she got sick and retreated somewhere deep within herself. she closed herself off from all of us, and we lost the most precious of life's gifts...time. i don't blame her. she couldn't help it, and i get that...but, that didn't make it much easier to deal with. but, at thanksgiving, we saw her again...our mom, as we remember her...funny and warm with a genuine smile and light in her eyes. i don't think i realized it at the time, but in that moment i finally stopped holding my breath. i knew she was going to be okay...that i could let my guard down a little and allow myself to be the daughter again.
i've been thinking all week about what christmas meant to me this year...the focus isn't exactly where it should be...while i try, i'm a bit off track right now and probably have been for quite some time. i have struggled for a long time with figuring out where m and i are supposed to be church-wise which is what i use as my excuse. i know, i know, church isn't supposed to be what you get out of it...it's what you put into it...and that makes perfect sense, but i'm having a hard time committing to anything. it's all part of my struggle to be a "real" adult i think. no permanence, no real commitments, no one depending on me for anything...simply show up and take from the experience each week...well, that's not how it's designed to work and maybe that's my problem.
this christmas week has also been full of time with friends...a few i rarely see, but who mean the world to me. we laughed a lot, shed a couple tears, and were reminded of everything that's important. we see the future in our children...watching the next generation of "us" play together is incredible! it's cliche to say this, but it's hard to believe how much you miss someone without even realizing it...until you're in the same space with them for a couple hours. time goes too quickly and before you know it you're saying good-bye again for what you know will be months. so, those visits were a gift in and of themselves. no bows, no wrapping but definitely the most loved, most treasured.
i have spent time with people who matter to me...maybe that's what christmas was supposed to be about for me this year...holes filled in ways i never expected. little moments...each full of meaning, joy, love. i think maybe that's all that matters.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
and then the tree fell over
*read the previous post to fully understand the full impact of this little doozy.
after all the less than fun that had filled the earlier part of my day, the christmas tree just went ahead and fell right on over. loud, crashing sound...i initially blamed the dog, but upon further inspection, the stand broke. the tree is in pieces, right along with a few ornaments, and i kinda fell apart (emotional breakdown was due, just needed a final justification i guess) right next to it. (cue pity party.)
after tucking morgan back in bed, and having a sufficient cry, i took all the ornaments off and contemplated taking the tree right on down to the dumpster, but just didn't have the energy to do it tonight. so much for a tree this year. i guess it's good m is going to texas tuesday. at least she will have a decent tree there. and...i don't have to worry about the dog and cat chasing around it anymore or look at its non-working lights (remember the shocked dog story from here?) that have been driving me crazy yet i was just too lazy to take off the crap strand and put on new ones. *sigh* looking for the bright side here.
there were so many good things that happened this weekend! i will get around to posting about them, but tonight my mind was a bit one-tracked so this is what you're stuck with. i'm about done with my pity party and my venting. i haven't even finished my glass of wine! sheesh.
after all the less than fun that had filled the earlier part of my day, the christmas tree just went ahead and fell right on over. loud, crashing sound...i initially blamed the dog, but upon further inspection, the stand broke. the tree is in pieces, right along with a few ornaments, and i kinda fell apart (emotional breakdown was due, just needed a final justification i guess) right next to it. (cue pity party.)
after tucking morgan back in bed, and having a sufficient cry, i took all the ornaments off and contemplated taking the tree right on down to the dumpster, but just didn't have the energy to do it tonight. so much for a tree this year. i guess it's good m is going to texas tuesday. at least she will have a decent tree there. and...i don't have to worry about the dog and cat chasing around it anymore or look at its non-working lights (remember the shocked dog story from here?) that have been driving me crazy yet i was just too lazy to take off the crap strand and put on new ones. *sigh* looking for the bright side here.
there were so many good things that happened this weekend! i will get around to posting about them, but tonight my mind was a bit one-tracked so this is what you're stuck with. i'm about done with my pity party and my venting. i haven't even finished my glass of wine! sheesh.
in an instant
i held a hand today...she was a stranger, someone i've never met, someone i'll never see again, someone who's path crossed mine in the most devastating of ways...yet, the impact those moments had on me will be felt likely forever...
the gas pump had just started. i was watching for katie and morgan to come back out of the store, and i heard it...cars crashing have a very distinct sound - loud and intense laced with fear, frustration, and pain - but there it was and as i turned around i watched the car slide to a halt just inches from the sidewalk in front of me. it was a busy intersection, yet with all the people around i made eye contact with the random employee who also happened to see the same thing i just had and we both ran towards the car. smoke was pouring out of both vehicles, and in the car closest to me there were two women...the passenger slumped out the window and the driver laying across her lap. i'm not trained...i'm not a nurse or a paramedic, or anything special...i was just there. cell phones were already in use so i went to the car...the passenger was conscious, but barely responsive...her arm was extended out the window so i reached out and took her hand...i prayed she could hear me, prayed she knew she wasn't alone as her friend...sister...mother...lay bleeding and unresponsive across her lap. i stayed there with her until the paramedics came. she didn't know me, didn't need to. she tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come. my heart shattered in those moments...they had simply been driving...something we all do, all the time, and their lives were changed in an instant.
there are more details, but i've shared enough and those don't really matter...the other driver was an older woman who thankfully was able to walk away, even with her van on fire. no doubt she is carrying burdens i don't want to imagine tonight, but at least she appeared physically ok.
i most likely won't know the outcome of this incident...not that i need to i suppose. these things happen all the time; i know that. accidents happen. lives are changed. there were many lives changed in those few moments today...including mine...i will continue to pray for these strangers, continue to see the images i wish i could forget...continue to wonder about their story...and continue to be thankful for everything, everyone in my life...every blessing, every trial...all of it. and all because i held a stranger's hand...
the gas pump had just started. i was watching for katie and morgan to come back out of the store, and i heard it...cars crashing have a very distinct sound - loud and intense laced with fear, frustration, and pain - but there it was and as i turned around i watched the car slide to a halt just inches from the sidewalk in front of me. it was a busy intersection, yet with all the people around i made eye contact with the random employee who also happened to see the same thing i just had and we both ran towards the car. smoke was pouring out of both vehicles, and in the car closest to me there were two women...the passenger slumped out the window and the driver laying across her lap. i'm not trained...i'm not a nurse or a paramedic, or anything special...i was just there. cell phones were already in use so i went to the car...the passenger was conscious, but barely responsive...her arm was extended out the window so i reached out and took her hand...i prayed she could hear me, prayed she knew she wasn't alone as her friend...sister...mother...lay bleeding and unresponsive across her lap. i stayed there with her until the paramedics came. she didn't know me, didn't need to. she tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come. my heart shattered in those moments...they had simply been driving...something we all do, all the time, and their lives were changed in an instant.
there are more details, but i've shared enough and those don't really matter...the other driver was an older woman who thankfully was able to walk away, even with her van on fire. no doubt she is carrying burdens i don't want to imagine tonight, but at least she appeared physically ok.
i most likely won't know the outcome of this incident...not that i need to i suppose. these things happen all the time; i know that. accidents happen. lives are changed. there were many lives changed in those few moments today...including mine...i will continue to pray for these strangers, continue to see the images i wish i could forget...continue to wonder about their story...and continue to be thankful for everything, everyone in my life...every blessing, every trial...all of it. and all because i held a stranger's hand...
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