Thursday, January 24, 2013

1.24.2013...

do you ever find yourself wondering what life has in store for you?  do you ever get so wrapped up in what lies ahead that you can't even see what might be going on right now?  i know i do it all the time.  i am always looking at least one step ahead, mostly trying to figure out how to control the outcome of some situation if i'm truly honest about it.  stuck somewhere inside my head, thinking about how to handle something or someone to get what i want or to somehow twist fate into giving me what it is i think is best for me.  so, there i am, stuck someplace other than right here...worrying about something i have next to no control over...and wasting moments that i will never get back. 

i was born a worrier.  that's no secret.  my gran was a textbook worrier and that trait skipped my father and landed squarely on me.  i can remember as a child not being able to sleep and making my stomach hurt because i was over-thinking something.  i would walk from my bedroom through the house to the family room so i could hear my mom say "you're just worrying.  you're fine.  just relax and go to sleep".  and those words were usually enough to calm my mind so that i could allow my body to sleep.  today i'm not much different.  if you know me, you know i am an anxious ball of nerves a lot of the time.  i don't relax well and have fought stomach issues my entire adult life - always worse when something is going on that stresses me out or upsets me.  the only real advantage to all of this is that rather than eat when i'm upset i do the exact opposite and lose weight rather than gain so i guess that's a plus.  i tend to think i have the worrying under control, until someone points it out to me.  okay, to be fair, it's typically a guy who does that because they don't see a reason to worry or because it's easier to not be afraid yourself if you're telling someone else everything is fine.  but, sometimes, it's just easier said than done. 

right now, i am worried.  i've tried not to be.  i've tried to keep it all in perspective.  i want to believe everything is okay, truly i do, but for some reason i'm having a hard time doing that.  see...i look at my life and the first thing i see is m...and i want the world for her.  i know, life isn't perfect, it is what you make of it...it is every experience, every person, every single breath all wrapped up into one and in the end you can't change what you did or didn't do...you can only accept it for what it is.  i feel like there is something in front of me that i can't touch...just out of reach, yet i know i want it.  i don't know...i'm feeling...antsy, restless.  maybe it's the cold...maybe it's because i've felt so overwhelmed at work...maybe it's because there are things i want in my life that do feel just out of reach and i have little control over whether i ever get them or not...maybe it's that i need a vacation, something to look forward to...maybe it's the underlying fear of the unknown right now...honestly, i don't know. 

tonight i went to the chamber banquet.  it was surreal to be there and not be a part of it, to only be watching.  i know the insider's perspective...i saw things the rest of the guests didn't see...and i felt a mix of pride and sadness.  it's funny how you become a part of something and how it becomes a part of you.  how your life becomes woven with other's and how big of an impact a stretch of time can have on who you become.  tonight i saw some things in my life a little bit more clearly and maybe even realized a few things i want to accomplish even more strongly than before.  do you ever just feel like you're being pulled in a certain direction and even if you wanted to stop it you couldn't?  yeah, kinda like that. 

this is kind of all over the place, and i'm sorry about that.  i haven't written much lately and i've felt words bouncing around inside my head (funny, i was thinking "head" but my fingers initially typed "heart"...).  i read these words last night and they really hit me..."you'll know when it's worth fighting for:  when it's lighting your life; when you never feel alone.  savor it, treasure it.  and fight as hard as you can to keep it."  while written about "holding onto love", i have no doubt they could be about many things.  what is worth fighting for?  what lights your life, keeps you from feeling alone?  what makes you want to hold on?  what do you treasure so much that you would fight as hard as you can to keep it?  i can't give you the answer to those questions because for each of us it's different.  but, aside from our children, who or what is that important in your life?  i'm not sure, but perhaps therein lies the key to much of our happiness...our self worth...our greatest desire...the middle puzzle piece...   

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