3.5.2014...

who do you surround yourself with?  who do you choose to share your life with...the mundane, day-to-day stuff...and, more importantly, the deeply intimate pieces of you that lie far beneath the surface?  do you carefully select those you let in or do you open up willingly to anyone who will listen?  i've thought a lot lately about the people in my life...all of which, at this point, are on this journey with me because i want them to be.  it's said that we tend to become like those we spend the most time with, and after really thinking about it, i gotta say that's pretty much dead on.  which leads me to want to surround myself - and m - with the best people possible.  some people suck the life right out of you while others do the exact opposite...they build you up and encourage your dreams and help you however you need them to even if that means offering a shoulder or making you laugh or buying you a drink or just reminding you that this life is better lived when shared.  they meet you right where you're at and don't expect you to be anything you're not.  their love is genuine and so is their friendship.  they are good people. 

so...who do you surround yourself with?  are you proud of the people you call friends?  do they make your life better or do you feel somehow less (or more, i suppose, if they cause you stress or anxiety) when you are with them?  and when you choose to share your life with someone; don't choose the better person...choose the one who makes YOU a better person.  

2.7.2014...

as i sit here watching the olympic opening ceremony i can't help but wonder...are we all destined for greatness?  do we each hold something special within us that makes us stand apart from others?  while we can't all be olympians, noble prize winners or world leaders; is it possible for us to make a difference within our own lives?  do we each have the ability to be great at something or, for most of us, is life more about simply living and finding small ways to contribute?  honestly, i think it's both...mostly because of perception.  while i struggle often with the need to know i matter, that i make a difference, that i'm somehow...special; i know i'm truly just a normal person.  i can't imagine doing anything overly spectacular with my life at this point, but instead am choosing to focus on smaller ways i feel i can make an impact...mostly through words.  so, maybe, the question is...how do we each define greatness and how can we create a life that exemplifies that?  we each have gifts, most of which give us the ability to do something for someone else.  but, do we choose to use them for that purpose?

i am thinking a lot about my gran right now...in a couple of days she will have been gone for three years and i find myself missing her more as the time goes by.  she was an amazing lady...someone who lived her life with ease and grace...she always gave more than she had and was always quick to make those around her feel special.  but, if you asked her, she always said she wasn't smart, she wasn't anything special; that she was a simple woman who was merely taking care of her family and trying to live her life for God.  i remember always feeling sad when i would hear her say these things because, to me, she was amazing...to me, she could do anything - well, anything that seemed to really matter.  she wrote letters from the heart and baked incredible pies and visited neighbors and always extended a hand to a new face at church and sewed doll clothes for us and taught us to play solitaire...she taught us to love everyone and judge no one...she showed us the power of love and acceptance through food and that there was room for everyone at her table...and, ultimately, she showed us how to be an unconditional presence in the lives of those we love, asking little in return yet giving whatever it took to make someone feel valued, important, special.  she never ran for office, never won any race, never solved some world problem; yet, to me, she lived a life of greatness.

what is your gift?  how do you define greatness?  are you able to see ways you can be great or do you minimize your abilities and not make the effort to do something that, to someone else, could mean more than you may ever know?  mother teresa always said that the greatest hunger, the greatest poverty comes from the lack of love, not food.  she encouraged us to start at home, to love those closest to us first, and to offer something as simple as a smile to a stranger and that if you can't feed 100 people, feed one - make a difference to one person, love one person and that love will spread.  such a simple act of greatness...yet something each one of us can do with very little effort...if only we choose to.

1.29.2014....

i have a problem with anger.  for some reason i can't hold onto it.  i want to, good lord i want to, but i've never been able to.  most people have a problem with anger management...now, don't get me wrong, i'm a redhead so i have a hot temper when i'm pushed far enough.  but, it is quick and doesn't last and then it's replaced with hurt feelings which do nothing but cloud my judgement on a situation because i become too emotional.  my anger then spills down my cheeks and i tend to forget the real focus of my frustration and i'm left "feeling" too much instead of figuring out the best way to deal with whatever happened in the first place.  sometimes i really wish i wasn't so emotional.  i think i've read too many things that say stuff about life being too short to stay angry and that it's more important to forgive and move on...well, sometimes that's just crap.  sometimes it's okay to just be angry...to let the disappointment and frustration and hurt be what it is - anger.  but then what?  what do you do with that anger?  where does that get you?  i feel like it's important to have conversations that need to be had...to say whatever it is that needs to be said rather than "fight" with silent treatment.  in all honesty, while i am an extremely - i can't stress this enough - extremely non-confrontational person, i am finally at a point in my life where i would rather just have the tough conversation, or even a fight if that's what's necessary, and get it over with.  sitting and stewing (thank you for that word, gran) is terrible for my anxious temperament.  my mind creates all sorts of assumptions when i have nothing but silence to work with and that's the worst.

but i guess maybe the underlining point is this...why do we hurt each other?  especially those we care about the most?  why do we do hurtful things and not apologize, or not expect there to be any consequences?  why do we treat others any different than we expect to be treated ourselves?  maybe it's a lack of communication or unmet expectations...maybe it's that sometimes things just aren't meant to work no matter how hard we try.

i think that's what life's too short for...unsaid apologies, unmet expectations, miscommunication that is never resolved, poor intentions...  friends...be more mindful of your actions and the impact they have on others.  choose kindness whenever possible and make a point to genuinely repair a relationship when you've caused someone pain.  we only get so many chances...

1.26.2014...

i watched a video a little while ago...it told the terribly sad story of a husband and father who lost his wife and unborn son when they were hit in a head-on collision and ultimately showed the unbelievable ways in which God worked within him and the man who hit them.  while the entire story was one of great impact, what stood out the most to me...what ultimately brought tears to my eyes...was the way he (the husband) spoke about how on the night of the accident, he sat down and asked God to help him...to give him some direction to help him make sense of what had happened and he was reminded of a sermon he had heard in the past that expressed that to us our lives are simply moments...little three by five snapshots....and how we have to remember to look at the bigger picture - especially when faced with difficult, painful experiences.  he went on to say that God is always painting on a much bigger canvas, that His plan is constantly unfolding and consists of much more than we are capable of seeing most of the time.

as i heard these words i felt my chest expand a little more...like i was holding my breath, just waiting to hear those very words.

life is so much more than we are able to see, able to feel, able to comprehend at any given moment.  this is not late-breaking news by any means, yet it is something i think we can all stand to be reminded of from time to time.  i know i'm guilty of getting wrapped up in my own junk and in those instances am incapable of seeing everything else unfolding around me.  sometimes we are nailed with things so painful we can't see through the tunnel of darkness - we've all been there and i refuse to discredit those experiences in any way - but, i think it's vital to remember just how much bigger the world is...especially in those moments.

i think i've said before that while i have lots of gray area when it comes to my beliefs, i do believe strongly in God...in His grace and His mercy and His unfailing presence...if we allow it.  i've heard Him, i've felt Him and i've seen Him work through those He surrounds me with when i need it...need Him...most.  i know i am blessed by the people i have in my life and i'm certain they are in my life for a reason, because He put them there.  i've been carried when i wasn't strong enough to take another step forward...i've been encouraged when everything in my life fell apart...i've found ways to make peace with situations that make no sense...and i've learned that if i look to Him - often via the people He surrounds me with - i find strength and understanding when i'm certain i have none.

moments.  three by five snapshots.  they flash before us and then pass us by before we can even blink.  some take us by surprise, some knock us to our knees, some fill us with more love than we can imagine, some propel us forward and some cause us to question everything we think we know...embrace each of them, but don't let any one of them define you.  try to look beyond them and see what else might lie around you, beyond the immediateness you feel engulfed by.  i truly believe it's in the bigger picture we find the absolute beauty, the purity of why we're here and where all the real answers lie.  

1.22.2014...

i was speaking with a dear friend the other day about how much i love her blog (you can find it here), and she said something about how much she admired the honesty with which i write and how it's brave of me to do that.  i'm not sure that i'm brave and i'm certainly not always completely honest...as most of us do, i leave out lots of the dirty details, shining up or skipping over parts of my life that either hurt too much or embarrass me...and then i realized something.  i've had a mind full of stuff these past few weeks and have written about none of it.  none.  zip.  nada.  nothing.  and i thought back to that conversation and to the whole point of this blog - to share my life...even the parts i don't want people to see...in hopes that even one sentence, one thought, one fear, one word might make a difference to someone.  and in this reminder i was...ashamed...disappointed in myself...and realized that maybe that's part of why i've felt a bit lost lately.  i've kept all the junk i should be sharing bottled up without giving it room to breathe, without laying claim to these pieces of myself and then putting them out there so they don't feel so large and overwhelming inside of me.  sometimes i feel so much...get bogged down by so much...that i find it hard to breathe.  why do i do that?  mom tells me i always felt everything more so than other kids...that i had a higher than normal empathy level...that i seemed to take on other's pain as if it were my own.  she's right.  and i do that to this day.  so, couple that with my constant internal battle with my own insecurities (please don't confuse that with me being insecure in who i am, because i'm not...but, don't lie to yourself for one minute and try to tell me you, too, don't have things you second-guess yourself on or struggle with because i don't believe you) - mostly as a mom...especially as she is growing up way too fast right before my eyes.  so...what i've decided to write today is a little about those very things...

2014...no resolutions.  i don't make those, remember?  (no need to set myself up for failure.)  but, i realized there are things i want to do/accomplish/enjoy/deal with over the next several months so i decided to just think about and focus on those.  i have talked about traveling for the past two years and have not actually done a damn thing about it (i am terrible at research and planning which isn't good when you want to do things on a tight budget - so, i'm working on that as well).  something as simple as going to hermann to visit the wineries (i would love to go to napa, but that just isn't going to happen this year) and with any luck, going to the beach even if it means i load m in the car and we drive south until we hit water - those are on my list.

the other is the really big one...i have spent the past two and a half years in an apartment and i'm ready to do something different.  i am terrified...and a little excited...but a lot terrified.  i never thought i would, nor did i ever want to, buy a house on my own.  but, it's been five years...and, i find myself wanting something more permanent for us - permanency is something i seem to have a hard time with...nothing in my life, besides m and she isn't gonna want much to do with me in a few years, feels permanent - rather it feels like everything is a bit unstable, always at the mercy of something or someone else...nothing seems to have staying power in my life and i'm sure if i told a therapist this they would immediately bring up mom leaving and tell me that is the root of my issues.  or something like that.  anyway, i have called a good friend who is a realtor and while i'm scared that i can't even qualify for a house - nevermind all the other fears i have about it - i want to at least open that door and start the process because if i don't i'm afraid i will never make a change.

money.  i have little of it.  and, i've never been good at actually managing it.  i pay my bills and am okay, but don't make a lot of money - it's okay, i love what i do and willingly trade the big paycheck for the unconventional benefits that come with my job.  i am trying to be more mindful of where my money is going and less ignorant about the choices i make.  again, this goes back to my lack of planning and my desire to do better.  i'm 36 years old for god's sake.  you would think this wouldn't be something i'm just now working on, but better late than never, right?

okay...i have places to be and work to do.  next up in the "what's taking up space and energy in faith's mind" will likely be m and my job as her mom...i feel like i'm lacking in that department big time these days, but maybe i'm hoping it's more about refocusing my thoughts and putting them down on "paper" - that always seems to help.  teaser:  be more present.  put the damn phone down and truly be there as much as possible.  who really cares what everyone is doing on facebook or instagram or twitter?  see that not so little person (and anyone else i'm sharing space with) and give them my attention.

whew!  as always....these posts aren't perfect, but neither am i.  but, i love to hear what you have to say so feel free to comment or ask questions or give me advice.  i believe it takes a village...

1.2.2004...er...2014...

1.2.2004...ten years ago...almost feels like a lifetime...well, it sort of is - your lifetime.

i have a hard time imagining you there now, wrapped so tightly inside of me...the warmth and security of my stretched belly held you safe just beneath my heart.  i remember it all so well...your tiny hands and feet stretched constantly as you tried desperately to make room...your little bottom jutted out making my tummy look like a torpedo...the length of your back as you rolled across my entire being.  my belly button popped out like a thanksgiving turkey timer long before you were due...the large crevice i now have in its place my one true visual reminder of where you once lived.  we were once one...two of everything yet existing as one safe within my skin.  a matched set from moment one...you couldn't be more like me in some ways if you tried.  we watched your tiny face, your long fingers, your miniature toes on the screen that afternoon before you were born and i remember wondering in that moment if you would know me once you were no longer inside of me.  turns out i had nothing to worry about.  your eyes were midnight blue, much deeper than your daddy's, your papa's or even your aunt becca's.  tiny pink lips that when you rested looked like the delicate bows i now love so much.  and those long, skinny fingers quickly found their way to mine wrapping tightly around me whenever you could.  to this day you reach for me with those not-so-little hands and when you sleep, i see the baby girl who was laid upon my chest that early january morning.  i had a dream about you once when i still held you close within me...a simple dream, nothing other than the realization i was holding you and i could see your tiny face as you looked up at me.  i was in love with you long before i saw you...yet knew you the moment i saw you...that same tiny face that stared up at me with those beautiful eyes.  i remember thinking...and maybe even saying, although i can't remember now..."there you are.  i know you."

for a brief moment i got to hold you safe within my body.  your every heartbeat dependent on mine.  never can i tell you in words what those nine months meant to me, my beautiful girl...never can you truly know how my heart grew simply by feeling your tiny flutters low in my tummy that late-summer afternoon.  but...no one else knows what my heart sounds like from within its walls...no one else has had my blood coursing through their veins...no one else has ever been so completely protected by me...only you.  you hold my heart like no one else ever will.

you changed my life at 4:55am as your body left mine.  i knew i could no longer rely on my safety to be enough for you and this reality becomes even more evident as you are growing up and needing me less and less.  you have pulled back in some ways - ways you're supposed to, ways i'm proud of...yet, there are moments i wish i could go back for an hour and just hold you in the early morning light.  i carried you to bed after your skating show a couple weeks ago...you had to wrap around me so i wouldn't drop you...and for a second i remembered carrying you to bed as you nestled in close to my neck with your little bitty arms tucked in close to my chest...and i felt a pang of sadness.

your birthday is a day i look forward to each year...there is something beautiful in remembering the months, the hours...the final minutes of anticipation, just waiting to touch you, to feel you...from the outside.  i love you more than i could have ever even imagined ten years ago...i want the world for you...or whatever version of it YOU want for yourself....within you lies so much life and i pray you find a way to live every bit of it.  i'm just thankful i was the lucky one who got to feel you, know you, love you first...

12.29.2013...

i lost a friend a week and a half ago.  and i'm watching one of my best friends go through the grief of losing someone she loves very much.  his name is chris - i say "is" because whenever someone dies i have a very hard time talking about them in the past tense, especially when i truly can't believe they are gone  - chris...or, peter christopher bohler as he has been mentioned on the news, was serving with the army in afghanistan when his black hawk helicopter crashed.  i met him about a year and a half ago when k and i were out and he was in kc with a group of his army buddies from ft. riley.  chris and k hit it off immediately and he quickly became a bigger part of her life than i know she wanted to admit.  a gentle soul, quiet and unassuming, quick-witted and funny...his deep eyes took everything in and his wide smile made everyone want to be his friend.  always a gentleman, he had the ability to make everyone around him feel at ease.  he went along with our shenanigans and was always willing to do whatever it would take to make k smile.  he loved her and accepted everything about her completely - something many of us never know.

there is an internal reflection that comes when we lose someone.  the fragility of life is suddenly a reality and for many of us, we are faced with the need to look within our own lives searching for anything that makes sense and grasping on to those who make our life worth living.  i am no different.  for the past week and a half since hearing k's voice on the other end of the line, i've spent a lot of time looking at my life and trying to make sense of where i am and what i want from here on out.  we only get so many days and it's up to us to make them count.  i've always said it's important to tell those we care about how we feel about them - never should someone we love question their value in our life - and losing chris makes me believe this even more.  i'm not saying every conversation needs to be one that matters, but i do think it's important to remind the people we share our life with that they matter...that they are worth more to us than anything else...and to not wait until it's too late to tell them.

i am so thankful for chris...for the difference he has made to my dear friend...for loving her the way he did...for showing her that she is worth that...for his friendship and his genuine kindness.  his short life was a gift to many and i feel blessed to have had the privilege of knowing him.  i am angry he is gone...there is much i don't understand.  i keep thinking back to that friday night in early august when we all went out the last time...we knew he was leaving that week and i remember us talking about when he comes home and telling him to be safe...all the while knowing in the back of our minds there was the possibility he wouldn't, yet never in a million years believing it would happen to him.  but it did and now what i keep trying to do is remind k of the blessing she was to him and to take the lesson placed in front of us...don't take one day for granted and if there is someone who makes your life better just by being in it - tell them.

so, my friend...you are missed.  your life mattered more than you will ever know.  29 years wasn't enough, but you touched lives and changed hearts in that short amount of time and for that you will always be remembered and loved.  and, to all of you reading my words...many of you i know and some of you i will never meet...please keep k in your prayers, please honor chris by taking the time to tell those you love how important they are to you, and please take a moment to remember the men and women serving for all of us - the sacrifice they are making is much greater than dying for their country.