i have a problem with anger. for some reason i can't hold onto it. i want to, good lord i want to, but i've never been able to. most people have a problem with anger management...now, don't get me wrong, i'm a redhead so i have a hot temper when i'm pushed far enough. but, it is quick and doesn't last and then it's replaced with hurt feelings which do nothing but cloud my judgement on a situation because i become too emotional. my anger then spills down my cheeks and i tend to forget the real focus of my frustration and i'm left "feeling" too much instead of figuring out the best way to deal with whatever happened in the first place. sometimes i really wish i wasn't so emotional. i think i've read too many things that say stuff about life being too short to stay angry and that it's more important to forgive and move on...well, sometimes that's just crap. sometimes it's okay to just be angry...to let the disappointment and frustration and hurt be what it is - anger. but then what? what do you do with that anger? where does that get you? i feel like it's important to have conversations that need to be had...to say whatever it is that needs to be said rather than "fight" with silent treatment. in all honesty, while i am an extremely - i can't stress this enough - extremely non-confrontational person, i am finally at a point in my life where i would rather just have the tough conversation, or even a fight if that's what's necessary, and get it over with. sitting and stewing (thank you for that word, gran) is terrible for my anxious temperament. my mind creates all sorts of assumptions when i have nothing but silence to work with and that's the worst.
but i guess maybe the underlining point is this...why do we hurt each other? especially those we care about the most? why do we do hurtful things and not apologize, or not expect there to be any consequences? why do we treat others any different than we expect to be treated ourselves? maybe it's a lack of communication or unmet expectations...maybe it's that sometimes things just aren't meant to work no matter how hard we try.
i think that's what life's too short for...unsaid apologies, unmet expectations, miscommunication that is never resolved, poor intentions... friends...be more mindful of your actions and the impact they have on others. choose kindness whenever possible and make a point to genuinely repair a relationship when you've caused someone pain. we only get so many chances...
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
1.26.2014...
i watched a video a little while ago...it told the terribly sad story of a husband and father who lost his wife and unborn son when they were hit in a head-on collision and ultimately showed the unbelievable ways in which God worked within him and the man who hit them. while the entire story was one of great impact, what stood out the most to me...what ultimately brought tears to my eyes...was the way he (the husband) spoke about how on the night of the accident, he sat down and asked God to help him...to give him some direction to help him make sense of what had happened and he was reminded of a sermon he had heard in the past that expressed that to us our lives are simply moments...little three by five snapshots....and how we have to remember to look at the bigger picture - especially when faced with difficult, painful experiences. he went on to say that God is always painting on a much bigger canvas, that His plan is constantly unfolding and consists of much more than we are capable of seeing most of the time.
as i heard these words i felt my chest expand a little more...like i was holding my breath, just waiting to hear those very words.
life is so much more than we are able to see, able to feel, able to comprehend at any given moment. this is not late-breaking news by any means, yet it is something i think we can all stand to be reminded of from time to time. i know i'm guilty of getting wrapped up in my own junk and in those instances am incapable of seeing everything else unfolding around me. sometimes we are nailed with things so painful we can't see through the tunnel of darkness - we've all been there and i refuse to discredit those experiences in any way - but, i think it's vital to remember just how much bigger the world is...especially in those moments.
i think i've said before that while i have lots of gray area when it comes to my beliefs, i do believe strongly in God...in His grace and His mercy and His unfailing presence...if we allow it. i've heard Him, i've felt Him and i've seen Him work through those He surrounds me with when i need it...need Him...most. i know i am blessed by the people i have in my life and i'm certain they are in my life for a reason, because He put them there. i've been carried when i wasn't strong enough to take another step forward...i've been encouraged when everything in my life fell apart...i've found ways to make peace with situations that make no sense...and i've learned that if i look to Him - often via the people He surrounds me with - i find strength and understanding when i'm certain i have none.
moments. three by five snapshots. they flash before us and then pass us by before we can even blink. some take us by surprise, some knock us to our knees, some fill us with more love than we can imagine, some propel us forward and some cause us to question everything we think we know...embrace each of them, but don't let any one of them define you. try to look beyond them and see what else might lie around you, beyond the immediateness you feel engulfed by. i truly believe it's in the bigger picture we find the absolute beauty, the purity of why we're here and where all the real answers lie.
as i heard these words i felt my chest expand a little more...like i was holding my breath, just waiting to hear those very words.
life is so much more than we are able to see, able to feel, able to comprehend at any given moment. this is not late-breaking news by any means, yet it is something i think we can all stand to be reminded of from time to time. i know i'm guilty of getting wrapped up in my own junk and in those instances am incapable of seeing everything else unfolding around me. sometimes we are nailed with things so painful we can't see through the tunnel of darkness - we've all been there and i refuse to discredit those experiences in any way - but, i think it's vital to remember just how much bigger the world is...especially in those moments.
i think i've said before that while i have lots of gray area when it comes to my beliefs, i do believe strongly in God...in His grace and His mercy and His unfailing presence...if we allow it. i've heard Him, i've felt Him and i've seen Him work through those He surrounds me with when i need it...need Him...most. i know i am blessed by the people i have in my life and i'm certain they are in my life for a reason, because He put them there. i've been carried when i wasn't strong enough to take another step forward...i've been encouraged when everything in my life fell apart...i've found ways to make peace with situations that make no sense...and i've learned that if i look to Him - often via the people He surrounds me with - i find strength and understanding when i'm certain i have none.
moments. three by five snapshots. they flash before us and then pass us by before we can even blink. some take us by surprise, some knock us to our knees, some fill us with more love than we can imagine, some propel us forward and some cause us to question everything we think we know...embrace each of them, but don't let any one of them define you. try to look beyond them and see what else might lie around you, beyond the immediateness you feel engulfed by. i truly believe it's in the bigger picture we find the absolute beauty, the purity of why we're here and where all the real answers lie.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
1.22.2014...
i was speaking with a dear friend the other day about how much i love her blog (you can find it here), and she said something about how much she admired the honesty with which i write and how it's brave of me to do that. i'm not sure that i'm brave and i'm certainly not always completely honest...as most of us do, i leave out lots of the dirty details, shining up or skipping over parts of my life that either hurt too much or embarrass me...and then i realized something. i've had a mind full of stuff these past few weeks and have written about none of it. none. zip. nada. nothing. and i thought back to that conversation and to the whole point of this blog - to share my life...even the parts i don't want people to see...in hopes that even one sentence, one thought, one fear, one word might make a difference to someone. and in this reminder i was...ashamed...disappointed in myself...and realized that maybe that's part of why i've felt a bit lost lately. i've kept all the junk i should be sharing bottled up without giving it room to breathe, without laying claim to these pieces of myself and then putting them out there so they don't feel so large and overwhelming inside of me. sometimes i feel so much...get bogged down by so much...that i find it hard to breathe. why do i do that? mom tells me i always felt everything more so than other kids...that i had a higher than normal empathy level...that i seemed to take on other's pain as if it were my own. she's right. and i do that to this day. so, couple that with my constant internal battle with my own insecurities (please don't confuse that with me being insecure in who i am, because i'm not...but, don't lie to yourself for one minute and try to tell me you, too, don't have things you second-guess yourself on or struggle with because i don't believe you) - mostly as a mom...especially as she is growing up way too fast right before my eyes. so...what i've decided to write today is a little about those very things...
2014...no resolutions. i don't make those, remember? (no need to set myself up for failure.) but, i realized there are things i want to do/accomplish/enjoy/deal with over the next several months so i decided to just think about and focus on those. i have talked about traveling for the past two years and have not actually done a damn thing about it (i am terrible at research and planning which isn't good when you want to do things on a tight budget - so, i'm working on that as well). something as simple as going to hermann to visit the wineries (i would love to go to napa, but that just isn't going to happen this year) and with any luck, going to the beach even if it means i load m in the car and we drive south until we hit water - those are on my list.
the other is the really big one...i have spent the past two and a half years in an apartment and i'm ready to do something different. i am terrified...and a little excited...but a lot terrified. i never thought i would, nor did i ever want to, buy a house on my own. but, it's been five years...and, i find myself wanting something more permanent for us - permanency is something i seem to have a hard time with...nothing in my life, besides m and she isn't gonna want much to do with me in a few years, feels permanent - rather it feels like everything is a bit unstable, always at the mercy of something or someone else...nothing seems to have staying power in my life and i'm sure if i told a therapist this they would immediately bring up mom leaving and tell me that is the root of my issues. or something like that. anyway, i have called a good friend who is a realtor and while i'm scared that i can't even qualify for a house - nevermind all the other fears i have about it - i want to at least open that door and start the process because if i don't i'm afraid i will never make a change.
money. i have little of it. and, i've never been good at actually managing it. i pay my bills and am okay, but don't make a lot of money - it's okay, i love what i do and willingly trade the big paycheck for the unconventional benefits that come with my job. i am trying to be more mindful of where my money is going and less ignorant about the choices i make. again, this goes back to my lack of planning and my desire to do better. i'm 36 years old for god's sake. you would think this wouldn't be something i'm just now working on, but better late than never, right?
okay...i have places to be and work to do. next up in the "what's taking up space and energy in faith's mind" will likely be m and my job as her mom...i feel like i'm lacking in that department big time these days, but maybe i'm hoping it's more about refocusing my thoughts and putting them down on "paper" - that always seems to help. teaser: be more present. put the damn phone down and truly be there as much as possible. who really cares what everyone is doing on facebook or instagram or twitter? see that not so little person (and anyone else i'm sharing space with) and give them my attention.
whew! as always....these posts aren't perfect, but neither am i. but, i love to hear what you have to say so feel free to comment or ask questions or give me advice. i believe it takes a village...
2014...no resolutions. i don't make those, remember? (no need to set myself up for failure.) but, i realized there are things i want to do/accomplish/enjoy/deal with over the next several months so i decided to just think about and focus on those. i have talked about traveling for the past two years and have not actually done a damn thing about it (i am terrible at research and planning which isn't good when you want to do things on a tight budget - so, i'm working on that as well). something as simple as going to hermann to visit the wineries (i would love to go to napa, but that just isn't going to happen this year) and with any luck, going to the beach even if it means i load m in the car and we drive south until we hit water - those are on my list.
the other is the really big one...i have spent the past two and a half years in an apartment and i'm ready to do something different. i am terrified...and a little excited...but a lot terrified. i never thought i would, nor did i ever want to, buy a house on my own. but, it's been five years...and, i find myself wanting something more permanent for us - permanency is something i seem to have a hard time with...nothing in my life, besides m and she isn't gonna want much to do with me in a few years, feels permanent - rather it feels like everything is a bit unstable, always at the mercy of something or someone else...nothing seems to have staying power in my life and i'm sure if i told a therapist this they would immediately bring up mom leaving and tell me that is the root of my issues. or something like that. anyway, i have called a good friend who is a realtor and while i'm scared that i can't even qualify for a house - nevermind all the other fears i have about it - i want to at least open that door and start the process because if i don't i'm afraid i will never make a change.
money. i have little of it. and, i've never been good at actually managing it. i pay my bills and am okay, but don't make a lot of money - it's okay, i love what i do and willingly trade the big paycheck for the unconventional benefits that come with my job. i am trying to be more mindful of where my money is going and less ignorant about the choices i make. again, this goes back to my lack of planning and my desire to do better. i'm 36 years old for god's sake. you would think this wouldn't be something i'm just now working on, but better late than never, right?
okay...i have places to be and work to do. next up in the "what's taking up space and energy in faith's mind" will likely be m and my job as her mom...i feel like i'm lacking in that department big time these days, but maybe i'm hoping it's more about refocusing my thoughts and putting them down on "paper" - that always seems to help. teaser: be more present. put the damn phone down and truly be there as much as possible. who really cares what everyone is doing on facebook or instagram or twitter? see that not so little person (and anyone else i'm sharing space with) and give them my attention.
whew! as always....these posts aren't perfect, but neither am i. but, i love to hear what you have to say so feel free to comment or ask questions or give me advice. i believe it takes a village...
Thursday, January 2, 2014
1.2.2004...er...2014...
1.2.2004...ten years ago...almost feels like a lifetime...well, it sort of is - your lifetime.
i have a hard time imagining you there now, wrapped so tightly inside of me...the warmth and security of my stretched belly held you safe just beneath my heart. i remember it all so well...your tiny hands and feet stretched constantly as you tried desperately to make room...your little bottom jutted out making my tummy look like a torpedo...the length of your back as you rolled across my entire being. my belly button popped out like a thanksgiving turkey timer long before you were due...the large crevice i now have in its place my one true visual reminder of where you once lived. we were once one...two of everything yet existing as one safe within my skin. a matched set from moment one...you couldn't be more like me in some ways if you tried. we watched your tiny face, your long fingers, your miniature toes on the screen that afternoon before you were born and i remember wondering in that moment if you would know me once you were no longer inside of me. turns out i had nothing to worry about. your eyes were midnight blue, much deeper than your daddy's, your papa's or even your aunt becca's. tiny pink lips that when you rested looked like the delicate bows i now love so much. and those long, skinny fingers quickly found their way to mine wrapping tightly around me whenever you could. to this day you reach for me with those not-so-little hands and when you sleep, i see the baby girl who was laid upon my chest that early january morning. i had a dream about you once when i still held you close within me...a simple dream, nothing other than the realization i was holding you and i could see your tiny face as you looked up at me. i was in love with you long before i saw you...yet knew you the moment i saw you...that same tiny face that stared up at me with those beautiful eyes. i remember thinking...and maybe even saying, although i can't remember now..."there you are. i know you."
for a brief moment i got to hold you safe within my body. your every heartbeat dependent on mine. never can i tell you in words what those nine months meant to me, my beautiful girl...never can you truly know how my heart grew simply by feeling your tiny flutters low in my tummy that late-summer afternoon. but...no one else knows what my heart sounds like from within its walls...no one else has had my blood coursing through their veins...no one else has ever been so completely protected by me...only you. you hold my heart like no one else ever will.
you changed my life at 4:55am as your body left mine. i knew i could no longer rely on my safety to be enough for you and this reality becomes even more evident as you are growing up and needing me less and less. you have pulled back in some ways - ways you're supposed to, ways i'm proud of...yet, there are moments i wish i could go back for an hour and just hold you in the early morning light. i carried you to bed after your skating show a couple weeks ago...you had to wrap around me so i wouldn't drop you...and for a second i remembered carrying you to bed as you nestled in close to my neck with your little bitty arms tucked in close to my chest...and i felt a pang of sadness.
your birthday is a day i look forward to each year...there is something beautiful in remembering the months, the hours...the final minutes of anticipation, just waiting to touch you, to feel you...from the outside. i love you more than i could have ever even imagined ten years ago...i want the world for you...or whatever version of it YOU want for yourself....within you lies so much life and i pray you find a way to live every bit of it. i'm just thankful i was the lucky one who got to feel you, know you, love you first...
i have a hard time imagining you there now, wrapped so tightly inside of me...the warmth and security of my stretched belly held you safe just beneath my heart. i remember it all so well...your tiny hands and feet stretched constantly as you tried desperately to make room...your little bottom jutted out making my tummy look like a torpedo...the length of your back as you rolled across my entire being. my belly button popped out like a thanksgiving turkey timer long before you were due...the large crevice i now have in its place my one true visual reminder of where you once lived. we were once one...two of everything yet existing as one safe within my skin. a matched set from moment one...you couldn't be more like me in some ways if you tried. we watched your tiny face, your long fingers, your miniature toes on the screen that afternoon before you were born and i remember wondering in that moment if you would know me once you were no longer inside of me. turns out i had nothing to worry about. your eyes were midnight blue, much deeper than your daddy's, your papa's or even your aunt becca's. tiny pink lips that when you rested looked like the delicate bows i now love so much. and those long, skinny fingers quickly found their way to mine wrapping tightly around me whenever you could. to this day you reach for me with those not-so-little hands and when you sleep, i see the baby girl who was laid upon my chest that early january morning. i had a dream about you once when i still held you close within me...a simple dream, nothing other than the realization i was holding you and i could see your tiny face as you looked up at me. i was in love with you long before i saw you...yet knew you the moment i saw you...that same tiny face that stared up at me with those beautiful eyes. i remember thinking...and maybe even saying, although i can't remember now..."there you are. i know you."
for a brief moment i got to hold you safe within my body. your every heartbeat dependent on mine. never can i tell you in words what those nine months meant to me, my beautiful girl...never can you truly know how my heart grew simply by feeling your tiny flutters low in my tummy that late-summer afternoon. but...no one else knows what my heart sounds like from within its walls...no one else has had my blood coursing through their veins...no one else has ever been so completely protected by me...only you. you hold my heart like no one else ever will.
you changed my life at 4:55am as your body left mine. i knew i could no longer rely on my safety to be enough for you and this reality becomes even more evident as you are growing up and needing me less and less. you have pulled back in some ways - ways you're supposed to, ways i'm proud of...yet, there are moments i wish i could go back for an hour and just hold you in the early morning light. i carried you to bed after your skating show a couple weeks ago...you had to wrap around me so i wouldn't drop you...and for a second i remembered carrying you to bed as you nestled in close to my neck with your little bitty arms tucked in close to my chest...and i felt a pang of sadness.
your birthday is a day i look forward to each year...there is something beautiful in remembering the months, the hours...the final minutes of anticipation, just waiting to touch you, to feel you...from the outside. i love you more than i could have ever even imagined ten years ago...i want the world for you...or whatever version of it YOU want for yourself....within you lies so much life and i pray you find a way to live every bit of it. i'm just thankful i was the lucky one who got to feel you, know you, love you first...
Sunday, December 29, 2013
12.29.2013...
i lost a friend a week and a half ago. and i'm watching one of my best friends go through the grief of losing someone she loves very much. his name is chris - i say "is" because whenever someone dies i have a very hard time talking about them in the past tense, especially when i truly can't believe they are gone - chris...or, peter christopher bohler as he has been mentioned on the news, was serving with the army in afghanistan when his black hawk helicopter crashed. i met him about a year and a half ago when k and i were out and he was in kc with a group of his army buddies from ft. riley. chris and k hit it off immediately and he quickly became a bigger part of her life than i know she wanted to admit. a gentle soul, quiet and unassuming, quick-witted and funny...his deep eyes took everything in and his wide smile made everyone want to be his friend. always a gentleman, he had the ability to make everyone around him feel at ease. he went along with our shenanigans and was always willing to do whatever it would take to make k smile. he loved her and accepted everything about her completely - something many of us never know.
there is an internal reflection that comes when we lose someone. the fragility of life is suddenly a reality and for many of us, we are faced with the need to look within our own lives searching for anything that makes sense and grasping on to those who make our life worth living. i am no different. for the past week and a half since hearing k's voice on the other end of the line, i've spent a lot of time looking at my life and trying to make sense of where i am and what i want from here on out. we only get so many days and it's up to us to make them count. i've always said it's important to tell those we care about how we feel about them - never should someone we love question their value in our life - and losing chris makes me believe this even more. i'm not saying every conversation needs to be one that matters, but i do think it's important to remind the people we share our life with that they matter...that they are worth more to us than anything else...and to not wait until it's too late to tell them.
i am so thankful for chris...for the difference he has made to my dear friend...for loving her the way he did...for showing her that she is worth that...for his friendship and his genuine kindness. his short life was a gift to many and i feel blessed to have had the privilege of knowing him. i am angry he is gone...there is much i don't understand. i keep thinking back to that friday night in early august when we all went out the last time...we knew he was leaving that week and i remember us talking about when he comes home and telling him to be safe...all the while knowing in the back of our minds there was the possibility he wouldn't, yet never in a million years believing it would happen to him. but it did and now what i keep trying to do is remind k of the blessing she was to him and to take the lesson placed in front of us...don't take one day for granted and if there is someone who makes your life better just by being in it - tell them.
so, my friend...you are missed. your life mattered more than you will ever know. 29 years wasn't enough, but you touched lives and changed hearts in that short amount of time and for that you will always be remembered and loved. and, to all of you reading my words...many of you i know and some of you i will never meet...please keep k in your prayers, please honor chris by taking the time to tell those you love how important they are to you, and please take a moment to remember the men and women serving for all of us - the sacrifice they are making is much greater than dying for their country.
there is an internal reflection that comes when we lose someone. the fragility of life is suddenly a reality and for many of us, we are faced with the need to look within our own lives searching for anything that makes sense and grasping on to those who make our life worth living. i am no different. for the past week and a half since hearing k's voice on the other end of the line, i've spent a lot of time looking at my life and trying to make sense of where i am and what i want from here on out. we only get so many days and it's up to us to make them count. i've always said it's important to tell those we care about how we feel about them - never should someone we love question their value in our life - and losing chris makes me believe this even more. i'm not saying every conversation needs to be one that matters, but i do think it's important to remind the people we share our life with that they matter...that they are worth more to us than anything else...and to not wait until it's too late to tell them.
i am so thankful for chris...for the difference he has made to my dear friend...for loving her the way he did...for showing her that she is worth that...for his friendship and his genuine kindness. his short life was a gift to many and i feel blessed to have had the privilege of knowing him. i am angry he is gone...there is much i don't understand. i keep thinking back to that friday night in early august when we all went out the last time...we knew he was leaving that week and i remember us talking about when he comes home and telling him to be safe...all the while knowing in the back of our minds there was the possibility he wouldn't, yet never in a million years believing it would happen to him. but it did and now what i keep trying to do is remind k of the blessing she was to him and to take the lesson placed in front of us...don't take one day for granted and if there is someone who makes your life better just by being in it - tell them.
so, my friend...you are missed. your life mattered more than you will ever know. 29 years wasn't enough, but you touched lives and changed hearts in that short amount of time and for that you will always be remembered and loved. and, to all of you reading my words...many of you i know and some of you i will never meet...please keep k in your prayers, please honor chris by taking the time to tell those you love how important they are to you, and please take a moment to remember the men and women serving for all of us - the sacrifice they are making is much greater than dying for their country.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
12.3.2013....
i went to bed last night thinking about the past eleven months and how little there is left to 2013. i thought about how i tend to write a post at the end of each year looking back over the months, the weeks, the days...the memories...remembering with nostalgia the months behind me and looking forward to the clean slate that lies before me with the coming of a new year. what i realized last night is that i have a few short weeks to make something of 2013...and these thoughts kept running through my mind: what will you do with the time left? what will you do to make the most of these next few weeks? what do you want to remember from 2013? what do you want to be remembered for this year?
we spend so much time looking back this time of year. then we spend a few days looking forward to the wide expanse that is the coming year...we make resolutions (well, not me, but many do), we make plans, we discard what we disliked from the past and vow to do better next year, we set goals and get excited for a short time about the future. but, what if we looked at each day, or even each week, with that same level of excitement and commitment to do better, to give more, to live with every bit of life we have within us? what would our lives look like if we did that? what if we didn't wait for the hype of new year's eve to create the life we want? what if we woke up tomorrow and decided to make even one little change?
then i woke up this morning with all the "giving tuesday" stuff all over the news...a day dedicated to helping organizations like the one i work with...a day designed to give people a little nudge to give something back or to pay it forward - to make a difference in someone else's life. honestly, i hadn't thought too much about it. it's all around me. food drives and donations and asking generous people to give so that others can have even the simplest of needs met. i see it everyday - some stories are beautiful and others heartbreaking...some remind me of the pure goodness that is often so hard to see and some make me wonder if everything we do matters at all.
but, then i got a phone call...from a stranger, someone i've never met who knows about our program and wanted to give something to help our families. ten minutes later my door opened and she handed me a check...and i found myself crying in front of a complete stranger. the amount matters none...but it will make a difference to others and that's what matters.
i am again wondering what the next few weeks of 2013 hold...not 2014, but 2013. there's still time to make a difference. time to make a change. time to live a little. time to say the words you've been afraid to say. time to make time for someone. time to be brave. time to create memories. time to love. it's not about the holidays or the gifts or the food or the parties. it's so much more than that. those come and go. it's what's left when all that's over that matters...the people...the time...the memories - from even the most ordinary days. a hand held. a door opened. a look, a glance, a smile. live with purpose, live genuinely...give with no expectations - give love, give time, give a hand...i can guarantee that what you will get back will be much more than anything you could give.
we spend so much time looking back this time of year. then we spend a few days looking forward to the wide expanse that is the coming year...we make resolutions (well, not me, but many do), we make plans, we discard what we disliked from the past and vow to do better next year, we set goals and get excited for a short time about the future. but, what if we looked at each day, or even each week, with that same level of excitement and commitment to do better, to give more, to live with every bit of life we have within us? what would our lives look like if we did that? what if we didn't wait for the hype of new year's eve to create the life we want? what if we woke up tomorrow and decided to make even one little change?
then i woke up this morning with all the "giving tuesday" stuff all over the news...a day dedicated to helping organizations like the one i work with...a day designed to give people a little nudge to give something back or to pay it forward - to make a difference in someone else's life. honestly, i hadn't thought too much about it. it's all around me. food drives and donations and asking generous people to give so that others can have even the simplest of needs met. i see it everyday - some stories are beautiful and others heartbreaking...some remind me of the pure goodness that is often so hard to see and some make me wonder if everything we do matters at all.
but, then i got a phone call...from a stranger, someone i've never met who knows about our program and wanted to give something to help our families. ten minutes later my door opened and she handed me a check...and i found myself crying in front of a complete stranger. the amount matters none...but it will make a difference to others and that's what matters.
i am again wondering what the next few weeks of 2013 hold...not 2014, but 2013. there's still time to make a difference. time to make a change. time to live a little. time to say the words you've been afraid to say. time to make time for someone. time to be brave. time to create memories. time to love. it's not about the holidays or the gifts or the food or the parties. it's so much more than that. those come and go. it's what's left when all that's over that matters...the people...the time...the memories - from even the most ordinary days. a hand held. a door opened. a look, a glance, a smile. live with purpose, live genuinely...give with no expectations - give love, give time, give a hand...i can guarantee that what you will get back will be much more than anything you could give.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
11.12.2013...
i hate that with the onset of fall comes shorter days and longer evenings...with that, i find myself tired much earlier and in bed often before 10 because i simply can't keep my eyes open any longer. but, with that, comes the ability to yet again wake early in the morning, wide-awake full of thoughts...see, i'm a morning person by nature yet have lost some of that as i've gotten older - i blame having a child who never slept well...i think i've been tired for 10 years straight. i've always loved the early morning - much as gran did. maybe it was all those mornings waking up at her house, finding her in the kitchen playing solitaire and drinking coffee. i would join her and she would make me something special to eat and we would share some time together before anyone else got up. at home, i was the family alarm clock, waking much earlier than everyone else - i think i enjoyed the responsibility...and maybe the alone time.
regardless, i woke early this morning with sara bareilles' song "brave" running through my head...
you can be amazing
you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
you can be the outcast
or you can start speaking up
nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
when they settle 'neath your skin
kept on the inside and no sunlight
sometimes a shadow wins
but i wonder what would happen if you
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
with what you want to say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
everybody's been there,
everybody's been stared down by the enemy
fallen for the fear
and done some disappearing,
bow down to the mighty
don't run, stop holding your tongue
maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
maybe one of these days you can let the light in
show me how big your brave is
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
and since your history of silence
won't do you any good,
did you think it would?
let your words be anything by empty
why don't you tell them the truth?
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
with what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
i'm honestly not sure why i woke with these words in my head on this particular morning. m and i love this song and always turn it up and sing along when it comes on, but for whatever reason, it's on repeat in my little brain this morning. which, typically means something in my world...
it's no secret to those who know me best that while i can talk...a lot...i am good at talking over, or around a subject - especially when talking about something i'm uncomfortable about or even more so when it comes to how i feel about something. see, i'm a peace keeper. i hate conflict - big surprise, i know. i avoid it at all cost, always have, nothing new here. but, in doing that, i've often sacrificed my feelings, my hurt, my words for the greater good. or, whatever i perceived to be the greater good at the time. i've been known to use words like "fine" and "okay" and "don't worry about it" and "it's not important"...even when asked point-blank how i felt or what i thought about something. some of you - mostly women i'm guessing - are nodding your head in complete understanding because you do it all the time as well. some of you are shaking your head at me in frustration because either you would never do that or because you know me well and can see the negative effects this has had on me and my life. you may wonder why i do this...well, most of the time it's because i don't think my feelings matter all that much, or that whatever i'm upset about isn't all that important and the situation will blow over soon enough so why bother making it bigger by saying all the stuff i'm thinking. maybe it's because when i'm upset, i have a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into actual sentences so when i do try to get them out it comes out a jumbled mess and i look like a fool and am ultimately more upset with myself than if i'd just kept my mouth shut.
and...maybe, just maybe, it's because when something is really important to me...i become afraid...afraid to put words to it, afraid that if i do that, it becomes completely real and once it's out there it can't be taken back. i keep those thoughts and feelings safe inside of me; protected from judgement and rejection. but, why? sure, there have been times when i've been brave with my words...when i've trusted myself...and the one standing in front of me...enough to say what i wanted to say. and, in so doing, i've had different reactions...good and bad. but, most of the time, i've just kept it all in...because i rarely trust anyone enough to share my true words...
my favorite part of the song is:
maybe one of these days you can let the light in
show me how big your brave is
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
and since your history of silence
won't do you any good,
did you think it would?
let your words be anything by empty
why don't you tell them the truth?
show me how big your brave is...i wanna see you be brave...let your words be anything but empty...why don't you tell them the truth...i need a sign with these words on it, or maybe a tattoo...
i know people who are brave - in every sense of the word. that's just never been me. i've made a few brave decisions...some of which i was terrified to make...and with each one i learned more about myself. a few of them made me trust myself, and my ability to make those tough decisions, less...but, more often, i learned to trust myself...my thoughts, my feelings, my gut...more. sometimes my feelings are shared by the one standing in front of me, and sometimes they aren't...and what i'm learning to accept is that it's okay, that i will be okay, when they aren't. clearly, holding my feelings in hasn't served me well in the past. i end up feeling misunderstood and ultimately resentful that i'm not being heard or that i don't matter. well, whose fault is that?
i have some amazingly, brilliant women i am blessed to call friends and one of them has the best words for any situation. a while back we were talking about something going on in my life and she said to me that no matter which way it goes it will be better than it currently was...and - these words have stuck with me the most - to do something, anything, because all i was doing was prolonging my joy. i think about her words often. she was totally honest with me, but in a gentle way that she knew would get through to me...mean something to me. and, it worked. i want to be wise like her...to be still long enough to hear what others have to say...to have the right words for my friends when they need them...and to never let my words be empty, but always truthful and brave. even when i'm afraid.
regardless, i woke early this morning with sara bareilles' song "brave" running through my head...
you can be amazing
you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
you can be the outcast
or you can start speaking up
nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
when they settle 'neath your skin
kept on the inside and no sunlight
sometimes a shadow wins
but i wonder what would happen if you
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
with what you want to say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
everybody's been there,
everybody's been stared down by the enemy
fallen for the fear
and done some disappearing,
bow down to the mighty
don't run, stop holding your tongue
maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
maybe one of these days you can let the light in
show me how big your brave is
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
and since your history of silence
won't do you any good,
did you think it would?
let your words be anything by empty
why don't you tell them the truth?
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
with what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
i'm honestly not sure why i woke with these words in my head on this particular morning. m and i love this song and always turn it up and sing along when it comes on, but for whatever reason, it's on repeat in my little brain this morning. which, typically means something in my world...
it's no secret to those who know me best that while i can talk...a lot...i am good at talking over, or around a subject - especially when talking about something i'm uncomfortable about or even more so when it comes to how i feel about something. see, i'm a peace keeper. i hate conflict - big surprise, i know. i avoid it at all cost, always have, nothing new here. but, in doing that, i've often sacrificed my feelings, my hurt, my words for the greater good. or, whatever i perceived to be the greater good at the time. i've been known to use words like "fine" and "okay" and "don't worry about it" and "it's not important"...even when asked point-blank how i felt or what i thought about something. some of you - mostly women i'm guessing - are nodding your head in complete understanding because you do it all the time as well. some of you are shaking your head at me in frustration because either you would never do that or because you know me well and can see the negative effects this has had on me and my life. you may wonder why i do this...well, most of the time it's because i don't think my feelings matter all that much, or that whatever i'm upset about isn't all that important and the situation will blow over soon enough so why bother making it bigger by saying all the stuff i'm thinking. maybe it's because when i'm upset, i have a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into actual sentences so when i do try to get them out it comes out a jumbled mess and i look like a fool and am ultimately more upset with myself than if i'd just kept my mouth shut.
and...maybe, just maybe, it's because when something is really important to me...i become afraid...afraid to put words to it, afraid that if i do that, it becomes completely real and once it's out there it can't be taken back. i keep those thoughts and feelings safe inside of me; protected from judgement and rejection. but, why? sure, there have been times when i've been brave with my words...when i've trusted myself...and the one standing in front of me...enough to say what i wanted to say. and, in so doing, i've had different reactions...good and bad. but, most of the time, i've just kept it all in...because i rarely trust anyone enough to share my true words...
my favorite part of the song is:
maybe one of these days you can let the light in
show me how big your brave is
say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly, i wanna see you be brave
and since your history of silence
won't do you any good,
did you think it would?
let your words be anything by empty
why don't you tell them the truth?
show me how big your brave is...i wanna see you be brave...let your words be anything but empty...why don't you tell them the truth...i need a sign with these words on it, or maybe a tattoo...
i know people who are brave - in every sense of the word. that's just never been me. i've made a few brave decisions...some of which i was terrified to make...and with each one i learned more about myself. a few of them made me trust myself, and my ability to make those tough decisions, less...but, more often, i learned to trust myself...my thoughts, my feelings, my gut...more. sometimes my feelings are shared by the one standing in front of me, and sometimes they aren't...and what i'm learning to accept is that it's okay, that i will be okay, when they aren't. clearly, holding my feelings in hasn't served me well in the past. i end up feeling misunderstood and ultimately resentful that i'm not being heard or that i don't matter. well, whose fault is that?
i have some amazingly, brilliant women i am blessed to call friends and one of them has the best words for any situation. a while back we were talking about something going on in my life and she said to me that no matter which way it goes it will be better than it currently was...and - these words have stuck with me the most - to do something, anything, because all i was doing was prolonging my joy. i think about her words often. she was totally honest with me, but in a gentle way that she knew would get through to me...mean something to me. and, it worked. i want to be wise like her...to be still long enough to hear what others have to say...to have the right words for my friends when they need them...and to never let my words be empty, but always truthful and brave. even when i'm afraid.
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