9.17.2012...

disclaimer:  this is NOT intended to garner any sympathy or make anyone feel sorry for me.  it's simply a part of my story and i (for some reason) feel compelled to tell it. 

i went to church yesterday.  nothing new, just went to church.  but, i went completely alone.  no m, no friends with me...just me.  i've started going to a new church (again, nothing new for me since i seem to do that from time to time), and most of the time a good friend is there with me or i see familiar faces that make me feel kind of at home...but, yesterday i guess God meant for me to experience it without the comfort of companionship because no matter where i turned i saw no one i knew.  i sat a few seats in on a row fairly close to the back.  by the time the service started i was surrounded by families, or at least couples; but mostly families with small children and in particular one large family who was there to celebrate the baptism of their newest family member.  i honestly don't remember much about the message...something about facing our giants (ironic, now that i'm writing this), but the music was pretty good...what i do remember was how i felt.  alone.  in that moment, i felt completely alone.  i got kinda anxious; fought back tears during one song that really spoke to me...feeling, at the same time, like i was kind of floating in a bubble where no one could touch me and like the walls were caving in on me.  i really had to internally step back to readjust my focus (a bit of a struggle, i'm sad to say)...to take it off of me and put it back where it belonged.  it wasn't horrible, and i  survived; but i left wondering why it had bothered me so much.  i mean, i understand why i felt physically alone; that's easy enough...but, can't explain the rest.  i wished i'd had a hand to hold, or an arm to reach around me, to rest softly on the small of my back...i watch others do that now and i'm accutely aware of the tenderness expressed between people who truly care for one another.  there's something about those outward displays of affection in places like church that seem very intimate to me.  i feel like i'm witness to something very special while doing something so simple as sitting a row behind strangers while sharing the same worship service.  maybe it's because it's been so long since i've felt that sense of comfort, that genuine reassurance that comes in moments like that - moments often either taken for granted by those living them or, sadly, brushed away in haste because of embarrassment or frustration.  what i'd have given sunday for that...

anyway, i'm not sure what God was trying to say to me...and, you're wrong if you assume it has something to do with a fear of being alone.  i'm no different than anyone else.  of course i fear that to some extent, but i've made peace with all of that.  i'm just thankful the feeling passed.  i think, in those moments, i'm reminded that if ever given the chance to have someone next to me again i will value that time, that person...truly take care of what i have in ways maybe i haven't in the past.  it's a harsh lesson to learn, but one of value for sure.        

9.13.2012...

how's that saying go?  "beginnings are usually scary.  endings are usually sad.  but, it's the stuff in the middle that really matters."  or, something like that.  you get the idea.  i spent today trying hard to make it seem like any other thursday, like it wasn't my next to last day, pretending that each "normal" thing i do everyday would continue to happen...but, none of that was true.  and, in all honesty, most of today i felt almost lost...kind of in a bubble, not entirely sure what to do with myself yet trying hard to absorb everything around me. 

these past two weeks have gone quickly.  i've tried to leave with things as "done" as possible, but even that is hard.  i have a hard time walking away from anything - even for a great opportunity.  it's hard for me to step back and watch others do something i've done for so long.  i had my last ribbon cutting, my last after hours, my last ambassador meeting...i've heard from people i never would have imagined; kind people who have taken time to not only wish me well, but to also genuinely remind me of just how much i've meant to our organization and how much i will be missed.  encouraging certainly, humbling for sure.  it is in these moments i realize how many people i've met in my seven years at the chamber...how many people i've talked to, worked with, and perhaps given something good to.  it's also in these moments that i realize what an impact one person can make and how that in and of itself is a gift; one not to be taken for granted because with it comes great trust and the belief you not only matter but that people see you as maybe more than you see yourself.  it's funny, i can remember either the first time i met many of these people or something unique about each one of them...an interraction or a moment that likely no one else noticed because in all reality it wasn't that consequential yet stood out to me. that's just how my mind works. 

tomorrow will be the last time i walk in and say "it's just me" or sit across the desk from gayle as i drink my coffee and we share stories from the night before...i won't sit on laura's desk and share ridiculous dating drama...  no, i will pack my office - something i just haven't been able to do yet - and go to my last fall festival meeting...then spend a couple hours with some of my best friends eating a few of my favorite things while hopefully laughing more than i cry.  i feel kinda like it's a series finale to a beloved show...you know the scene...the girl stands at the door, and as she looks back her mind is flooded with a million memories while some sappy song covers the diologue...and, as she walks out the door for the last time she smiles because she is so thankful for all of those incredible memories because they are part of what got her here...at the doorstep of her next adventure. 

change...aka "faith got a new job"...

change.  it's a dirty word to me.  i don't do it, or at least avoid it at all cost as much as possible in every aspect of my life.  mostly because even the best change causes at least a smidge of discomfort and i tend to fall into the group (like the majority of us i've discovered) of people who prefer to leave things as they are rather than experience anything that resembles disarray or chaos (two of the primary side-effects of change).  we like our water placid, our sailing smooth, our boat unrocked...but what of that? 

this week marks the beginning of a very big change for me...friday is my last day at the chamber...the job i've had the longest, the job that has given me the most professional growth, the job that has opened doors and given me opportunities i never imagined seven years ago when i answered an ad for a part-time communications coordinator.  morgan was little...i was still married...my life was pretty simple...at least compared to what it would become.  i was barely an adult, still innocently unaware of what harsh realities i would face in my years there.  the chamber, the people in it - many of which have become very good friends...all my source of stability in some very unstable moments.  i grew up in that building, discovered my strengths and my weaknesses...and found my voice again.  i walked through things i never dreamed of...felt emotions i wasn't sure i could handle, and was often carried by those very people who were only "members" when i started there.  these past seven years have given me so much.  i've been blessed with a boss who is way more than that; she is a friend...someone i know will always be a very important part of my life.  i've built relationships with incredible people; and i know it's because of those relationships that i am being given this next opportunity.  this time next week i will be preparing for my first day at liberty hospital in what i'm certain was a role written perfectly for me.  i will be their new community relations specialist and i couldn't be more excited!  i get to stay in the community i love and do all the things i'm best at, while learning and experiencing new things.  it's the very best situation i could have imagined and i am beyond thankful.  i knew early on that God was leading me through this door...that He had laid this path for me.  rarely do i feel that way, and it was pretty cool. 

so, i will spend the next five days wrapping up my current job and on friday celebrate with some of these people i've grown to love.  "will your office be empty by then?" was what my co-worker asked the other day..."yes...yes, i suppose it will be..." was my only response.  this change is a good one...but, even good ones come with mixed emotions.  i am a bit afraid, yet all the good far out-weighs any of that.  i know i will cry...likely more than once or twice.  and then i will walk out that door for the last time as "the chamber girl" and walk forward into my new role; taking with me so much more than i could ever find the words to put on here...mostly because often there are no words big enough to describe some things.  but, thankful...blessed...so very blessed...those are the two words that i leave with.

9.1.2012...

out of fear i am selfish.  perhaps the biggest realization i've had (and, yes, had pointed out to me) in a long time.  it's a harsh reality, but very true none the less.  fear is paralyzing in many ways...but, perhaps most destructive when it's tied to emotions.  i think, in my case, i'm constantly afraid of failing...in fact, i'm certain that's the case.  that's why i hold back in almost every area of my life.  it's stupid, i know, but real all the same.  i'm afraid of letting someone down, afraid of not being enough, afraid of the embarrassment that comes with those two things. 

"you don't fight for what you want..."  and worse... "you don't say what it is that you really want..."

two statements i heard last night that are 100% accurate.  i think i'm afraid of what i really want because if i say it i can be turned down, or disappointed, or any number of ridiculous reasons that don't come close to justifying either of these things. 

what i can see is that despite all of my writing about living life and loving openly and giving everything....what i'm really doing is sitting back and watching my life pass me by because i'm afraid.  that makes me a hypocrite...and i am beyond disappointed in myself.  how, at 35, am i so afraid of failure?  it's not like i've honestly failed all that much in my life...but, i haven't had to work that hard, or give that much effort either.  i've simply...gotten by.  who wants that?  i mean, who wants to look back on their life and see that they did "okay"...that they "got by"?  not me, yet that's exactly what i'm setting myself up to do. 

thank you to the voice who constantly forces me to look inward.  who, while painful at times, is brutally honest with me.  something i'm fairly certain i need, no matter how hard it is for me to take.  i don't like the image in the mirror and have to find a way to stop being afraid, to stop holding back and open myself up for whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing, supposed to be feeling.  good, bad, whatever.  it's my life, only i can live it.     

"plans to give you hope and a future"

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

these words have been heavy on my heart the past few days...for reasons that matter none to most of you reading this; yet chances are decent that if you stop and really read them you will find some relevance.  i have them on a sticky note attached to my computer, always visible, always a sign of reassurance when i need them.  a very good friend has them tatooed on his arm, a simple reminder that there is something bigger than this very moment...that God Himself has laid out a plan for us greater than anything we can imagine in our darkest hours.  i think i love this verse for a couple reasons...one, i love the idea that there is some sort of plan for me...that God cares enough about me to lay out a roadmap for my life - one that, if i somehow figure out how to follow it, could be amazing!  and, two, i love the words "plans to give you hope and a future"...see, there have been times...yes, times - plural...when i've had absolutely no idea where to go next, what steps to take, what direction to turn; and ultimately saw no future because i felt so completely trapped in the moment i was presently experiencing.  was i depressed?  maybe a little.  heartbroken?  for sure.  scared, confused, exhausted, guarded, uncertain of nothing other than the desperation i felt in those moments?  yes...all of those things and more...  but, it always got better, always.  no matter if it was a mess i created myself or one that was thrown at me with zero warning; i somehow always came out of those moments stronger, wiser, and with a greater appreciation for the good days.  i have to believe that it's those plans, that will of His for my life, that LOVE He somehow so graciously gives me (even when i can guarantee i don't deserve it) that shows me hope and gives me strength to see the future I am trying very hard to trust He is laying out for me.  do i understand it?  no.  do i need neon flashing lights?  uh, yeah.  do i shake my head on an almost daily basis trying my hardest to figure out just where it is that He is leading me?  more than i'd like to admit.  there are some things in my life right now that i'm trying hard to figure out...funny, i've been told that i have the gift of discernment (the ability to grasp and comprehend that which is obscure)...yet, not when it comes to my own life.  frustrating beyond belief.  i just can't understand what He's trying to tell me right now and i feel like i'm some sort of detective puting together clues and there is one missing...of course, it's the most important one.  but, maybe that's why i keep hearing these words "for i know the plans i have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"...maybe that's His way of telling me to be patient...to wait Him out...that in His perfect time He will show me those plans and only then will i be ready for them.  *sigh*  so much easier said than done.  but, i'm trying.  until then...i'm focusing on plans...hope...future... 

8.11.2012...

what causes us to have a connection with someone?  be it a physical or emotional one; i find that those connections happen almost instantly with some people and may never happen with others.  it's been said that i can talk to anyone, that i am easy to open up to...strangers tell me their life stories, sometimes sharing details so intimate that when the conversation ends and we part ways i feel like i've known them my entire life.  yet, there are times with people i should be able to connect with...people who i've grown close to over time, that those intimate moments and conversations never come.  i tend to internalize those things, tend to assume it's something wrong with me because "everyone can talk to me"...but, the reality is, sometimes a deep connection just isn't possible...mostly because of where one or both of us is at that point in our lives.  just one more example of the immense damage created by our pasts, and the weight of scars we try so very hard to keep hidden from even those we are close to.  frustrating for sure, beyond simple explanation and without reason or justification to those who haven't lived true heartbreak...but, for those of us who have, understandable. 

on the rare occasion that we make a connection with someone, it comes at us with such force we are almost always taken by surprise.  it's a look, a touch, a word, a smile...often so small, so simple we don't even realize it in the moment; but we are changed by it none the less.  i honestly don't know why we are able to make these connections with some and not with others...i mean, i get the physical part of it - either we are or we aren't attracted to someone, that's simple enough.  but, the emotional part is harder to rationalize, more difficult to wrap my brain around.  i know enough to see that i'm stimulated by different things, that even something so simple as a person's voice is a turn on or a turn off; but i still can't believe that there isn't more to it than genetics...which goes back to my hard and fast belief that everything happens when it's meant to, that we meet the people we're supposed to meet when we're supposed to meet them; and, perhaps most importantly, no matter what our connection to them, we only get them for a certain amount of time.  i think we each serve some purpose in each other's lives; that we enter relationships based on when we need something specific that only that person can give us (and vice versa).  the really difficult part of all of this is recognizing what we have to give (and what we ultimately need from) those in our lives and to then find a way to let go if we must.  life is just that - a constant give and take marked most by compromise and a search for middle ground...and hopefully few disappointments when it's all said and done.

honestly, i wish i could connect with everyone...wish i could give constantly, that my heart was always full enough, my self-worth high enough; that i never needed anything from others.  but, i'm fairly certain that's not possible.  a friend of mine once said that a group of friends works like this:  we are all in a circle and at any given time, one of us is in the center - surrounded by the others because in that moment she is the one who needs the most and throughout our lives we each take turns sitting in that center spot depending on who's needs are greatest at that moment.  i kinda love that analogy...it gives me strength just picturing my friends as we surround each other in our moments of weakness.  maybe the best lesson i've learned over time is that i can't force a connection...either it's there or it isn't and that's okay...hard to accept sometimes, but okay none the less.     

big blue eyes...

*disclaimer:  this most likely won't make any real sense other than the fact that i'm referring to m...and that right now i miss her terribly and since this post keeps coming back to me, evolving and changing depending on my mood, i'm gonna try and finish it - even if it doesn't really make sense to anyone but me.

big blue eyes...they stare back at me in the rear-view mirror...no matter where we're going i can look up and see her looking back at me, or see her gazing off towards something in the distance; or, on occasion...see them closed, her long eyelashes resting on her soft cheeks.  big blue eyes full of intensity, wonder, and empathy...bright with passion, and full of curiosity...they are the window to her soul and in them i see everything.

i wrote the following paragraph on friday afternoon...almost three weeks ago.  it seemed to fit at the time, yet the words weren't coming quite right, didn't quite flow past this point and i wasn't sure why...

she leaves tonight...goes to texas for the rest of the summer.  this isn't new, we've done it before and i know what to expect but this year feels somehow different....i'm guessing it's because there isn't something else big going on in my life to off-set the reality that i won't see her, won't touch her for six weeks.  people ask me all the time how i handle it, and my answer is always the same:  i know it's coming, i plan for it, i take advantage of the time to do what i want when i want...and i miss her.  like a piece of me is gone sort of missing her...and it starts about 24 hours after she leaves.  however, i'm thinking this time it may hit me around 5:20pm when we say good-bye and they escort her through the door, and down the jetway to the plane...i will watch her as far as i can...wheeling her little skate bag, chatting with the attendant...switching gears to adjust from one home to the other in a matter of a two-hour plane ride.  and then i will go back to my chair, pretend to read while ignoring the tightness in my chest, and wait for the "departed" sign to show up on the board to begin my own adjustment period. 

then, i spent an evening at the Relay for Life walk...made lap after lap around a track, surrounded by names on little white paper bags...names of those fighting cancer...and those who lost the battle but who are remembered by those they left behind.  to say my perspective changed immediately is an understatement...suddenly my tears seemed to have been shed in vain, my sadness for a child i know i will see again humbled by the realization that there are so many who can not say that. my own emotions were quickly put into check as i said silent prayers for the numerous names i read, many of which i was shocked to see that i knew.

sometimes it's good to get a reality check...to be gently reminded that the world doesn't revolve around us...that life is so much bigger than where we are right this second.

skip ahead to now (last friday night, actually)...it hit me today how much i miss her.  i know, i know, she will be home and ultimately i'm fine.  but, tonight, tonight i felt like a shell...empty and hollow.  i remember this feeling as it visits me from time to time each summer; consuming me for a period of time, making me feel completely disconnected from her.  it's an awful feeling, and i never quite know what to do with it.  there is no ignoring it or pretending that it's not there...it takes up so much space that it's almost suffocating.  i find myself pulling away, feeling the need to be alone and i'm not entirely sure why.  but, it will pass.  i pray that through this moment i am gaining empathy for others whose lives are consumed constantly by this type of emotion; that i may better understand where they are in those moments because i've had a very tiny taste of it myself.